Mama Blogess

This Blog Has Moved, Update Your Bookmarks

2009-02-26T07:32:00.000-08:00

This blog has moved, please update your bookmarks to this URL: http://www.zimmerscope.com/mamablogess/

Also check our our family's new website: http://www.zimmerscope.com

Enjoy :-)

Take a Moment Today

2009-01-19T12:38:00.000-08:00

And view Martin Luther King's famous "I Have a Dream" speech.

Has my content really been that bad?

2009-01-14T08:22:00.000-08:00

According to Google Analytics, I've had two visitors to this blog since December 31st. One on the 6th and one on the 7th of January. That means my last two blog posts have gone completely unread. There is a 60% dip in activity. If anyone ever comes back to read this, please tell me what I'm doing wrong?

:-(

The Sensory Dysfunctional Family

2009-01-12T19:36:00.000-08:00

Owen is going to start preschool soon. He will be going two mornings a week. It is a therapeutic preschool designed for kids just like him, who have some borderline behaviors but weren't diagnosed as having autism (if he had autism, there would be several other services available to him). Owen's diagnosis of verbal and oral apraxia does not inherently include any sensory or anxiety issues, though those are certainly recognized as things that commonly go along with apraxia (or developmental dyspraxia). In reading more information on SID, I have realized that James and I are a couple of SID (sensory integration dysfunction) affected people, we just didn't know it until we had a little reflection of ourselves running around.

At any given time in our house James might be squinting at the lights, or pushing one of us away because he is feeling "claustrophobic", or ripping off his clothing in a fit of rage because the tag was bothering him, and I may be given to volatile explosions if someone touches me when I didn't expect it, or be driven mad at the sounds of someone breathing, or biting their nails, or being overwhelmed by the sounds of a screaming child, or not being able to pick out the voice of the person I'm talking to in a crowd, and Owen may be asking to wear headphones when we go somewhere where the floor isn't carpeted (since sound is different there), or pushing me away if I hug him without asking, or not allowing me to rub his back to help him fall asleep, or refusing to use the toilet because the feeling of his bottom hanging out there causes more anxiety then he can handle.

Our issues even conflict sometimes. James likes the house to be totally silent when he goes to bed, whereas if I go to bed in a silent room I will be driven crazy by James' breathing. A fan, running water, or a noise machine grates on James senses, yet I need this to distract my brain from the normal quiet sounds of slumber that for some reason I interpret as being abrasive. Owen resists hugs and cuddles, but insists on sitting right up next to us so that his whole body is pressing against ours, or actually hurling his body at us when he's excited. James can't handle consistent touch like that, or the full body slams from Owen, and since he is Owen's constant target of this type of behavior, he is also in a constant state of irritation about it. James can see in pitch dark situations, but hates lights shining in his eyes. I often trip around at night when he turns all the lights off on me, or can't wake up in the morning because he's darkened the room so much to keep the morning sun out of it.

In my unprofessional self diagnosing: we are all hypersensitive (sensory avoiding), while Owen seems to also be somewhat hyposensitive (sensory seeking). Owen and I hate loud noises, I also hate quiet noises, and James hates persistent noises (e.g. fan). Owen and I are overly sensitive to touch, while James is overly sensitive to how clothing feels on his skin or how it affects his body temperature. James and Owen also seem to be overly sensitive to light. I think we all have a form of SID. I don't think any of us have a severe case though, but I'm not sure since this is all perfectly normal to us. I'm not sure what an adult can do about SID, if anything. It is probably beneficial to recognize this in ourselves though, since any child of ours will probably be affected to some degree. I wonder what causes this anomaly in humans. There is clearly a genetic factor involved, but I wonder if it is a predisposed kind of thing that may or may not show up, or if it's something that all kids of ours would automatically inherit.

Free Photo Canvas

2009-01-11T11:54:00.000-08:00

Get one free 11 x 14 photo canvas per family for simply signing up for a parenting discussion board!

http://www.parentsociety.com/onefreecanvas/

This will cost you about $17.00 shipping, but, that is far cheaper then you would pay for a photo canvas if you were to order one. They generally cost about $80.00.

ETA: I received my canvas and it looks great! It's really cool how the picture wraps around the canvas, and you can just hang it right on the wall without a frame. I love it and I want more! Unfortunately they aren't so easy to get when they aren't free.

The Last Day of Christmas - December 28th

2009-01-02T21:56:00.000-08:00

James' sister and brother in law, Diane and Mike, came over on the 28th to celebrate Christmas with us. We had a nice meal, exchanged a few gifts, and had a good time. We got Diane a rooster apron, which she loved and even wore home. We got Mike a sweatshirt he asked for. James and I got some nice gifts from them too. They got Owen lots of stuff. Owen told them he wanted a jack hammer and "little things to put little things in". So, they got him his Jack Hammer, and two small wooden boxes to put little things into. They also got him a cupcake set for his kitchen, and the Horton Hears a Who movie that came with a Horton finger puppet.

Owen has been little Mr. Scowly pants lately, and he was quite rude while opening these gifts. Eventually he was persuaded to play with them, and have fun with them, but I was a bit embarrassed by how rude he was being. I think part of the reason is because he was expecting a real jack hammer. He wanted to go out and see what was inside the streets in the summer. We tried explaining to him over and over again that he couldn't have a real one, just a toy one, but he kept insisting. So, I think he was kind of disappointed that he didn't get a real jack hammer. He likes all his toys now though, and has been playing with them ever since Christmas. He is just a little scowler lately. Hopefully it's a stage :-)

Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day - December 24th - 25th

2009-01-02T20:29:00.000-08:00

On Christmas eve, we had no fancy feast this year like we did last year. I had already cooked for Yule and I had to make a Yule log cake and my Christmas Pinwheels for our feast at my Aunt and Uncle's house, so I really wasn't in to cooking a big meal this year.

We opened our stockings on Christmas Eve. I had put candy into all of them. I got James some green tea mints, and two types of Burt's Bees chapstick. James got Owen a box of magnetic marbles. James got me some really pretty silver earrings that match the necklace he got me for my birthday really well. I was surprised to get such a nice stocking stuffer.

The next day I woke up early and jumped in the shower. I thought I would get a head start on getting ready before James and Owen got out of bed. By the end of my shower Owen was banging on my door. He wanted to take a bath. I asked him if he wanted to open his presents first or take a bath first. He wanted his bath first. He must be the only kid who wanted to take a bath before opening presents on Christmas morning.

After his bath we opened our presents, all taking turns so that we could watch each other. Last year, James and I didn't buy each other gifts, we just got one gift for the whole family together. This year we bought each other gifts. James was supposed to get a GPS and I a record player. I got my record player, but James does not like any GPS in existence except the iphone, which we can't afford right now due the monthly internet cost, so he didn't get his big gift. He doesn't seem to mind though because we are both enjoying our record player. He wanted me to make him a mug and shirt from Zazzle though, and I also surprised him with a few other little things. He surprised me with a few little things too, all of which I had been really wanting. We got Owen some fun things too. He got mostly books this year, plus more marble works, plus a robot. The robot was supposed to be the U-command Wall•e, but, the store I ordered it from online canceled my order without telling me. I had to run to Target to find something else and they had two robots to choose from, one that was reasonably priced but really scary looking, and one that didn't look scary but was very expensive. I just bought him a smaller version of the expensive one, that was way cheaper, but also didn't do as much. He really liked it and was so excited when he opened it, even though it wasn't the Wall•e I had hoped it would be. Owen also got a mug from Zazzle. He told me he wanted a pink mug with his name on it. For some reason you can't get a solid colored mug at the you-design-it websites, so I went with a pink inside. I did a drawing of a snowman for the outside, and chose a snow topped font with pink lettering. He was quite pleased and has already drank out of it.

When we first started putting presents under the tree a few weeks before Christmas, there was one for James, one for Owen, and none for me. Owen was very sensitive to this and seemed to be really upset that there was no present for me. He told James that he wanted to get me a present of hot chocolate. So, a week or so later, long after there was a small pile of gifts for me, another one was added in a baseball gift bag. Owen chose the gift bag too. James told Owen not to tell me what was in it, and he never did. He is a good little secret keeper, because he knew what I was getting, what James was getting, and what Lyric was getting, and he never told any of us what was inside our packages. Of course, I love hot chocolate and they got me three tins of it! I was so touched by Owen wanting to get that for me, and the fact that he thought of something he knew I would like to have. When I tucked him into the bed the next night I told him again how surprised I was and how happy I was to get that from him. He told me then that he first thought of getting me hot tea. Then he looked up at me very seriously and said, "would you have liked hot tea"? I said, "yes, I like hot tea too, but I think you made the right decision to get me hot cocoa, because I like to drink hot cocoa a lot more then hot tea."

So, where were we? Oh, it was Christmas day and we had just opened up all our presents. Then we were off to Grammie and Grampy's house, otherwise known as my parents. Berta and Lyric were there too. We all exchanged gifts. We also had hot chocolate and cookies. I got my mom a glass tea pot, which I knew she really wanted. I got my dad a shirt from Zazzle that I designed. It said, "Grampy's racin' buddies" and had a picture of the fireworks from the races last summer and a picture in the foreground of Grampy with all three of his grandkids. My dad loved it. It was fun to give them things I knew they would really like. Lyric got some playsilks that I made for here, all blue because she only ever wants blue, and I'm told she plays with them all the time. Owen and Lyric exchanged gifts as well. They always seem to know the perfect gift for each other.

I had made a Yule log cake which needs to stay frozen. The temp was below freezing, so we left the cake in the trunk of our car while we were at my parents house. I forgot about the fact that the sun was shining on the trunk of the car though, and the cake had started to melt a bit. The powdered sugar snow had mostly melted into the cake. So once we got to my Aunt and Uncle's house, I put the cake out on their deck. The whole cake thing was kind of stressful. It was fun to make, it turned out looking and tasting awesome, but, it was a huge hassle to try to keep this huge thing frozen and knowing when to go get it and put it out on the table. I went and got it right before we ate so people would see it before I cut into it, but the room was so warm from all the bodies it melted more then it should have. It was really good though anyway and people liked it. I made a "twig" for Lyric without the cookies which she is allergic to. I think next year I probably will only make it for Yule.

So, where was I? Oh yes, we had just arrived at my Aunt and Uncle's house. We had a great time there! It really was a great Christmas. I had lots of wine, we had tons of food, we had tons and tons of desserts. We played the dice game, which is so fun. In case you don't know what that is; we all buy reasonably priced gifts, or we give things from our own house that we don't want anymore but are nice, or we buy things at a thrift store, or we make something. We wrap them up and color code them for men, women, and both. Most people bring multiple gifts but we try to not spend more then $10.00 to $15.00 per person. So there are three big piles of gifts, and we all sit in a circle and send the dice around, one pan of dice going one way, the other pan of dice going the other way. When someone shakes doubles, they choose a gift, but don't open it. When all the gifts are gone, a time limit is set, like 5 or 10 minutes, and we continue to shake. Then if you get doubles, you get to steal gifts from each other. The gifts are still wrapped at this point. This is where it gets fun, because people are always after one or two gifts, and they keep stealing that same gift from each other, even though they have no idea what is inside. It's kind of funny sometimes which gift becomes the gift to steal. Anyway, this year I got one of those gifts and it was supper cool! It was a bread and oil set, which had a bread tray, an oil bottle, and four small dishes for oil. It was very nice and well worth the stealing back and forth. My mom got it at the thrift store for only $2.00! In general though, the gift we are all after is usually just a dumb thing nobody ends up caring about. I really like the dice game instead of the secret Santa idea, and I hope my family keeps doing it because it is so fun. Also, it really makes it so it's not about the gifts, but more about us all getting together and interacting. We trade or give things away at the end after we open them too, and I just think it's a really good way to do gift giving for a large group, while keeping the focus off of the actual gifts.

After all that, we played board games until pretty late. We had more wine, and more desserts, and my grandma's homemade chex mix. My grandma won one of my Aunts pies at the dice game, so we cut into that and it was heavenly. We all had a great time and I barely even saw Owen all night, he was so often playing with the kids in the other room. When we got home we posed Owen in front of the tree with all his gifts. It was really very fun, but a very full day of activities.

Chanukah - December 22nd

2009-01-02T20:17:00.000-08:00

We didn't observe Chanukah in any way except for playing the dreidel game with Owen on the first day of it. We contemplated getting a Menorah, but decided against it. I was much more focused on Yule, and so I asked James to look into Chanukah. When I asked him what Chanukah was all about, he said he didn't know. He told me he didn't want a Menorah, he just wanted Owen to play the dreidel game. So, that is what we did.

There is this Raffi song, or at least Raffi performs the song, and it goes, "a dreidel, dreidel, dreidel. A dreidel made of clay. A dreidel, dreidel, dreidel. A ddreidel we will play." So we made a dreidel out of clay. Owen wanted to paint it pink, so we did. We played the dreidel game with him and we played the song while we played the game. He played for a bit and then wanted to eat the chocolate coins.

Our dreidel didn't spin properly. I don't think it was balanced right. We managed to get an adequate randomization of the letters, but next year if we do it again I think we will buy a dreidel.

Yule - December 20 -21

2009-01-01T19:30:00.000-08:00

This year we celebrated Yule for the first time. Yule is celebrated in a remarkably similar way to Christmas, since Christmas is based on the Pagan customs that came before it.

Yule is observed on December 20th to 21st. It is the longest night of the year. To kick off our Yule celebration, earlier in the month we cut down our own tree and hung a wreath. For Yule, the tree is a sacred object and should be cut down by you and then burned when the celebration is over. Some people just hang boughs and they don't cut down an actual tree. Many who observe Yule do cut down a tree though. I don't think we will burn our Yule tree. We will likely make something out of the trunk and compost the rest, and in that way I feel we are being respectful of the tree.

I painted a sun ornament to celebrate the solstice and hung it on our Yule tree. I also bought a Yule wheel ornament. A Yule wheel has every Pagan celebration of nature that takes place throughout the year represented on a wheel, which is the wheel of the year.

On the evening of the 20th we had our Yule feast. We had the traditional Yule meal, ham. We also had mashed potatoes. I made a special dessert, a Yule log cake! It was my experimental one because I also made one for Christmas day. The cake was fantastic tasting and not too hard to make. I didn't bother making it too pretty, since it was just for us. Traditionally, observers of Yule burn a Yule log in their fire place on the night of Yule, and use a portion of last years log to burn with it. Since we are apartment dwellers we had to make due, and so decided on a cake instead.

Then that night after it had gotten dark, James got out the globe and a flashlight and he showed Owen and I why we have darker days this time of year. In the weeks before the holidays began we talked to Owen about why we celebrate holidays at this time of year. We explained that it these are the shortest days of the year and that we like to put out lights because it is so dark, and we like to put a tree up in our house to cheer us up, and we like to give gifts and be with our friends and family so we can have a good time during this dark time of year.

The next day we went to Murphy's Landing, which is an old time historic town from the 1800's. It was 4 below the day we went, and we had to trudge through snow and be out doors every time we walked to a different building. As cold as it was, it was nice to be outdoors for a bit on Yule, and feel connected to nature. It wouldn't have even been that bad if we would have all worn boots. James and I don't really have warm boots, and James put Owen's shoes on instead of his boots, so none of us had very warm feet.

Every house is from a different culture, and was set up for the holidays according to that culture's customs. It was great to see all the different culture's holiday traditions. Many of them matched up with Yule traditions, and in the Norwegian house they even called it "jyool". One house we went into was a Jewish house, so we saw the Menorah, and Owen and James learned how to play the dreidel game. I was glad they had a Jewish house so Owen could see it before we played with the dreidel we made for him.

We had a great time there. We had pulled pork sandwiches and hot chocolate and hot cider for lunch. Owen loved the school house, and he really liked the little slate they had so we bought him one on the sly for Christmas. They had some people dressed in period clothing playing old time holiday songs on old time instruments. We sat in the town hall and watched the music for awhile. Owen really liked it and he even sang! When they asked the audience to sing along to "Jingle Bells" Owen shouted out "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!" It was the most monotone and loud singing anyone could ever imagine, but it was "singing", and I was pleased that he was doing it.

Here are some photos of our great Yule:

Getting Ready for the Holidays - The Weeks Before Christmas

2008-12-31T20:14:00.000-08:00

James says that the holidays are turning into my time to shine. I don't know about that, but I did take on quite a few projects this year.

I dyed play silks to give to my niece. Play silks are basically just silk cloths that are played with to encourage imagination. They can be tied on and used as capes or skirts or hats, they can be used as peek-a-boo blankets for younger babies since they are slightly see through, or they can be the ground, sky, or water when playing with little toy people, or they can be doll blankets or slings, or pretty much whatever you can think of. I thought they were dumb at first when I heard about them, but I wanted to encourage imaginative play for Owen so I bought some blanks and gave it a try. The dyed silks are spendy, but blanks are only about three dollars each and dying them isn't that hard. He liked them so much I dyed them for him and then bought more. When Lyric started coming over she was thrilled with them and wanted them on as her cape every single time. So I dyed her three and they turned out pretty good.

Last year I had Owen paint ornaments for him to give as gifts to people. I wanted to do something like that again, but didn't want to do the exact same thing, so I got a kit to make soap. It is just the melt and pour type, so nothing to complicated. Owen helped a little, and he chose what to make and which colors to use and who to give the end products to. I like to have him do a hands on project like this of something he can give, so that it isn't all just about getting for him. He is proud to hand his presents out too.

I had some very old Sculpy sitting around so I decided to use it up and create some ornaments for the tree and make a dreidel. Since the Sculpy was all one color I had to paint the ornaments, which was a bit annoying, but they all turned out nice. I used cookie cutters to make a gingerbread cookie looking man, woman, boy, two cats, and house. Owen painted the house and it looks really cute, like it has frosting on it. Owen chose for the dreidel to be pink, and I painted the letters blue. I also made a snowman family ornament and a sun for the Solstice.

We took some family pictures near the tree for our annual holiday e-card. Owen was impossible this year, but we finally got a couple nice shots. I got the e-card done just in the nick of time.

I had always wanted to make a gingerbread house, so when we found a kit at the store I couldn't pass it up. I was excited to make it, but it was pretty disappointing. I don't understand how the frosting can come out looking so perfect for their pictures. My frosting had to be squeezed with all my might, and only about a quarter inch line would come out and that would instantly curl around, so I couldn't replicate the picture at all. I made it softer then their directions called for too, but I just couldn't get it to work right. Finally we just free styled it and Owen and I started picking up the frosting with our hands and smearing it on. Owen decided where he wanted all the candy and he stuck most of it on himself. It was very fun after I let the ideal house in the picture go, and maybe that's sort of a life lesson :-)

Pictures of the play silks:

Our Staycation December 1st - 3rd

2008-12-30T21:04:00.000-08:00

December 1st:

We went to pick out our tree. After choosing a saw and a sled, we headed up the hill and let Owen choose the type of conifer to cut down. He chose the most common type, and was adamantly apposed to the kind with long lighter green needles. Together we all chose the specific tree we wanted. James cut it down, and we toted it down the hill in the sled. Our tree was then shaken and wrapped in netting and tied into the trunk of our car. We enjoyed a hot cider in the warming house before leaving. We got our tree home and set it up and watered it. In the next few days after that we decorated it. It was all quite a bit nicer and easier then last year when we didn't have any idea what we were doing.

December 2nd:

We went to the zoo. It was mostly indoors and we had a good time walking through the tropics trail on a cold winter day. We stowed our coats in a locker, but when we got to the Minnesota trail we realized it was not climate controlled and the temperature was around 0 degrees. It was in a tunnel and out of the wind, and they had this paper with each animal listed and you find the embossing machine near each animal and emboss a picture of that animal on the paper. We decided to make a run for it and try to find each machine quickly. It was cold! After we finished we realized we had missed one! I sat by the fire place and sent Owen and James back out there to find the one missing animal. It was either that or every member of our nerdy family would be bothered all day by the incomplete paper. They were taking a long time so I met them at their exit door. It was then that I realized the last machine was behind a wooden post in my view but out of theirs. I was just about to open the door and yell to James that I found it when little Owen came racing around the corner, spotted the machine, and pulled James over to it. We made a big deal about how great it was that he found the last one for us. We were all able to sleep that night since our paper was fully embossed :-) Though we did get two of the large cats mixed up, so we weren't quite fully rested.

December 3rd:

One thing we've been wanting to do is tour the state capital. Minnesota has a beautiful state capital. I toured it in elementary school, but James had never seen it. Our tour guide was a little lame, and mostly talked about his low opinion of Jesse Ventura. From what I could gather, he didn't like the guy because he was never in his office. He did finally concede that Jesse brought a lot of business to the state both from Hollywood and from Japan. The building is gorgeous and James and I would like to go back and watch some state business taking place one day.

Thanksgiving '08

2008-12-30T17:28:00.000-08:00

For Thanksgiving we went to James' Sister's husband's Mom's house again. Did you follow that :-)

Here are the photos:

Happy Holidays

2008-12-23T10:57:00.000-08:00

Click image to enlarge.

Financial Accounting

2008-12-04T10:09:00.000-08:00

Website Recommendation:

I don't quite remember when I started putting my financial life on my blog, but, it seems to help me when I have to report to the world wide web how I spent my money lately. First, I have to share an awesome new website I just found called www.mint.com. It is so very cool. You link to all your online accounts, including your savings and checking accounts and credit cards. You can even link to your investment accounts. Pretty much any financial thing you do can be all in one spot right their on mint.com. Then there are tons of little features you can play with. You can set a budget, you can get email alerts when you're about to overdraw your accounts, you can look at nifty little pie charts and bar graphs and visually see where all your money is going. I just signed up now, and one of my credit cards did not go through, but they set it up so you can alert them of the issue and they will try to take care of the problem. There are not any really obvious ads on the page either, but there are links to financial institutions for the purpose of investing and such, which I think is where they get their funding. Overall I found it to be very user friendly and helpful.

Our Latest Financial Successes:

I've been watching my niece, Lyric, almost full time. It will be full time, but we have started out a little slower then that at first, which is good because the kids are still getting used to spending so much time together. Watching Lyric is bringing in a little extra cash for us, and it is really helping us out. Lyric is no problem to watch at all, and she even naps :-) The only problem is Owen learning appropriate social behavior, but that is getting better as time goes on, and it's not really a "problem" since he needs to learn this anyway. So, one of my plans for making more money has come to fruition and is working out just great. Also, James has been able to work lots of overtime lately and this has been reflected quite nicely in his checks. I really feel like we have a little breathing room financially for the first time in years. Which I guess is a little odd since we are in the middle of a national financial crisis. That fact reminds me to keep my eye on the ball, which is gathering savings and paying down debt.

We opened a new credit card at our credit union and transferred most of the balances to it. We then payed off two of our existing cards and closed the accounts. We now have two cards, one that holds our large balance that we are slowly trying to pay off, and one that holds a small balance that we use for online purchases. All other cards have been closed out and canceled. Our big balance card is right alongside our other accounts through our online banking so I can pay any extra to it whenever possible. Also, there is a credit union location in the same building James works in, so whenever we have extra money James just brings it in and deposits it into the credit card. We've made so much progress lately that we have payed off everything we charged during the great financial disaster in September. So all unexpected medical bills, and cat vet bills have been payed off (and the cat is doing quite well, so apparently it was money well spent).

Another way we are saving lots of money is that I stopped buying organic :-( I know, I'm getting soggier and soggier aren't I? I really like organic food and I think it is beneficial to our health and well being. However, it is expensive and I simply can't justify the expense right now. I didn't actually realize how expensive it was until I gave it up, and we are saving a couple hundred dollars a month. It's one of the first things I will return to doing once our debt is payed off, but for now we've really got to put that money into our debt.

Our Latest Financial Disasters:

Our Jetta, that chronically broken down piece of German engineering, is yet again in need of repair. Two estimates came in at $1100.00 and $1700.00. But, our Brother-in-Law tells us he can do it for a few hundred, so we are obviously going that route. Initially we had decided to simply sell the Jetta under priced and buy a used car with that money and our tax return this spring. But, since we can get it fixed for cheaper, we are going that route, because it is a huge hassle to get a child into a 2-door car (since we would need to go down to one car until spring and our other car is a 2-door Cavalier). We are still selling the Jetta come spring, but at least we will have two cars to drive until then, and the car seat can be in the 4-door which is so much easier.

Our other financial disaster this month is Christmas. I hate calling Christmas a "financial disaster", and it's not really because it isn't unexpected and if we would ever get our act together we would actually save up for it, but it is a lot of added expense. Even though I try not to get too into the consumerism aspect of the holiday, it is still fun to buy gifts, and gifts cost money. So do freshly cut Christmas trees, and wreaths, and ornaments, and candy canes, and lights. We reuse as much as possible from last year, but we are still gathering our Christmas supplies up from a lifetime of no Christmas, so we are still spending a bit of money on the basics. This year we decided to do one expensive gift for each member of our family plus a few smaller less expensive gifts. James told me very specifically what he wants, so he is all shopped for. Owen is all shopped for as well, except for one item at Ikea that hasn't been in stock. James' family is all shopped for, but mine is not yet. Since we were raised as JW's and most of our family are still in the religion, we have few people to shop for. We also buy for the dice game with the relatives, but we can also re-gift, and buy thrift stuff for that, so that's not a huge expense. It looks like we'll have a Christmas debt this year that will take a couple months to pay off, but I suppose that is pretty typical. This year we are buying less for Owen then last year, because last year he just got way too much. We also realized that everyone else buys him stuff too, so there is really no need for us to go all overboard with it.

In Conclusion:

We are doing pretty good at playing catch up. We can adequately clean up the mess once disaster strikes, given a few months time to get back on our feet. The problem is, we wont ever get ahead this way. Our life follows this pattern: We plug along trying to pay off debt. We make a small amount of headway. We are faced with an unexpected large expense. The headway we made is erased. We lament, "why us? Why can't we just get ahead?" We are determined to persevere, and start plugging away at our new debt. We pay down the new expense and get to the point where we are now getting ready to pay off that old debt. But wait, then an unexpected large expense occurs once again! And we are back where we started and the cycle continues. I guess we just have to try harder. After Christmas, and after we fix the Jetta, I am determined to persever and pay off our debt...

Prop 8 - The Musical

2008-12-04T07:51:00.000-08:00

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

Save Pushing Daisies!!!

2008-12-03T10:16:00.000-08:00

ABC has canceled the show Pushing Daisies. Please sign the petition to keep the show around! We need to keep the quality television on TV and not allow Reality TV to totally take over.

Shameless Plug

2008-11-27T20:20:00.000-08:00

Here is my Cafe Press store. I hadn't worked on it in, oh, probably well over a year. I just put up some new designs. So, if your gonna shop tomorrow, it's easier to shop online, you don't have to fight the crowds that way :-) I know, I should be telling you to be green and save the planet and stop the rampant consumerism. But I'm sure you are all cutting back this year anyway, so, you should really check it out. There is a cute new winter snowman on ornaments, and note cards, and chidren's wear, etc., a birth fairy on t-shirts and bags, and some Ex-JW t-shirts. It's quite the eclectic assortment.

San Diego's Republican Mayor Reverses Decision on Gay Marriage

2008-11-20T13:44:00.001-08:00

Don't Mess With Mommy Bloggers

2008-11-18T21:44:00.000-08:00

Motrin recently pulled an ad that targeted babywearing moms. (Babywearing is when a parent wears their infant or young child in a sling, or harness on their body.) An article about the incident with a link to the ad can be found here. What is so odd about this ad is that it was actually trying to market it's product to babywearing moms, yet in their ad they continually insulted the very moms they were trying to sell their products to. I am confused about what they were thinking when they created and approved this ad. I joined the twitter and blogosphere advocacy call and sent my email off to Motrin informing them that their ad was offensive to the very mothers they were trying to market to.

A few issues seem to be brought up over this incident, and here is my take on them:

1) Is it painful to wear your baby? It can be. But do you know what is more painful? Carrying your baby around all day in your arms, or lugging them around in a heavy carseat. Also, if the carrier fits correctly, is adjusted correctly, and is not some cheapy brand, then it really shouldn't be "painful" and it especially shouldn't make women cry as the ad suggests. James can still wear Owen in his Ergo and it isn't painful for him. I can't wear him anymore because he is too heavy for me now, but when he was an infant in a sling I rarely had pain once I realized my original sling was too large and got one that was correctly sized. When we got the Ergo I hoisted Owen up on my back and wore him easily until he was about two, when he got a bit too heavy for my back to tolerate anymore.

2) Why was this ad such a big deal? It wasn't really that big of a deal. I mean, it was offensive but of course there are bigger things in life to worry about. However, it doesn't take a whole lot to send off a twitter, write a blog post, or email Motrin. The ad offended mothers who babywear, and these mothers are a very savvy and vocal group that you don't want to mess with. The ad had misinformation about babywearing. Babywearing is a practice that is seeing a revival in the Western culture and babywearing advocates are quite happy with this. They believe that babywearing is beneficial to babies and parents. To have an ad that gives misinformation is upsetting. It isn't a huge deal, but it was worth spending five minutes writing an email to the company about. The ad seemed to have a mean spirited undertone, and suggested that moms only babywear as a fashion statement, and to look like "an official mom" as well as undermining the true reasons that one babywears, like bonding and the baby crying less. It even throws in a bit at the end about looking "tired and crazy" if you babywear. Anyone who chooses to babywear in this culture made a conscious choice to do so, so being told that the reasons you chose to do it are not valid, and that you are only doing it for fashion or to look like a good mom is going to be a bit offensive.

3) The last sentence in the article above says: "Aren't there more substantive and meaningful issues where you could direct your combined will?" Well, yes, of course there are. There are other issues that we could be worrying about, however, some of us happen to think this one was worth while. Also, it really was not a big deal to write an email to Motrin. It took five minutes, that is all. Also, us mothers are quite skilled at having more than one thing going on at a time and we can handle it just find, thank you. I can write an email off to Motrin, and work on other advocacy projects all in one day, and take care of my kid too. Why is it that when mothers choose to make their voices heard on an issue they are accused of not choosing the right issue? This was personal with mothers. The ad was questioning their well thought out parenting choice, and accusing them of making the choice for shallow or superficial reasons. Babywearing is not just about having your hands free, or having a baby who cries less; it's also about having a securely attached infant. A culture whose infants and children are securely attached will be a more peaceful culture. If we look at it this way, early attachment is a "substantive and meaningful issue" for the future of our children and our society.

I think it is really great that women came together so fast through social media that within days Motrin had pulled the ad and issued an apology. There was no letter writing campaign, no boycott, just moms blogging and tweeting and sending off an occasional email of complaint. I think Motrin made a mistake, but I am impressed by how swiftly they went about correcting it. I accept their apology and see no need to boycott them. I hope the mothers involved in this got a good taste of activism and continue to do good things with their power.

And in honor of International Babywearing Week (yep, really, Motrin's timing was just that bad) here is a trip down memory lane:

Pinch Me... A Message From Michael Moore

2008-11-09T09:30:00.000-08:00

Wednesday, November 5th, 2008
Pinch Me ...a message from Michael Moore

Friends,

Who among us is not at a loss for words? Tears pour out. Tears of joy. Tears of relief. A stunning, whopping landslide of hope in a time of deep despair.

In a nation that was founded on genocide and then built on the backs of slaves, it was an unexpected moment, shocking in its simplicity: Barack Obama, a good man, a black man, said he would bring change to Washington, and the majority of the country liked that idea. The racists were present throughout the campaign and in the voting booth. But they are no longer the majority, and we will see their flame of hate fizzle out in our lifetime.

There was another important "first" last night. Never before in our history has an avowed anti-war candidate been elected president during a time of war. I hope President-elect Obama remembers that as he considers expanding the war in Afghanistan. The faith we now have will be lost if he forgets the main issue on which he beat his fellow Dems in the primaries and then a great war hero in the general election: The people of America are tired of war. Sick and tired. And their voice was loud and clear yesterday.

It's been an inexcusable 44 years since a Democrat running for president has received even just 51% of the vote. That's because most Americans haven't really liked the Democrats. They see them as rarely having the guts to get the job done or stand up for the working people they say they support. Well, here's their chance. It has been handed to them, via the voting public, in the form of a man who is not a party hack, not a set-for-life Beltway bureaucrat. Will he now become one of them, or will he force them to be more like him? We pray for the latter.

But today we celebrate this triumph of decency over personal attack, of peace over war, of intelligence over a belief that Adam and Eve rode around on dinosaurs just 6,000 years ago. What will it be like to have a smart president? Science, banished for eight years, will return. Imagine supporting our country's greatest minds as they seek to cure illness, discover new forms of energy, and work to save the planet. I know, pinch me.

We may, just possibly, also see a time of refreshing openness, enlightenment and creativity. The arts and the artists will not be seen as the enemy. Perhaps art will be explored in order to discover the greater truths. When FDR was ushered in with his landslide in 1932, what followed was Frank Capra and Preston Sturgis, Woody Guthrie and John Steinbeck, Dorothea Lange and Orson Welles. All week long I have been inundated with media asking me, "gee, Mike, what will you do now that Bush is gone?" Are they kidding? What will it be like to work and create in an environment that nurtures and supports film and the arts, science and invention, and the freedom to be whatever you want to be? Watch a thousand flowers bloom! We've entered a new era, and if I could sum up our collective first thought of this new era, it is this: Anything Is Possible.

An African American has been elected President of the United States! Anything is possible! We can wrestle our economy out of the hands of the reckless rich and return it to the people. Anything is possible! Every citizen can be guaranteed health care. Anything is possible! We can stop melting the polar ice caps. Anything is possible! Those who have committed war crimes will be brought to justice. Anything is possible.

We really don't have much time. There is big work to do. But this is the week for all of us to revel in this great moment. Be humble about it. Do not treat the Republicans in your life the way they have treated you the past eight years. Show them the grace and goodness that Barack Obama exuded throughout the campaign. Though called every name in the book, he refused to lower himself to the gutter and sling the mud back. Can we follow his example? I know, it will be hard.

I want to thank everyone who gave of their time and resources to make this victory happen. It's been a long road, and huge damage has been done to this great country, not to mention to many of you who have lost your jobs, gone bankrupt from medical bills, or suffered through a loved one being shipped off to Iraq. We will now work to repair this damage, and it won't be easy.

But what a way to start! Barack Hussein Obama, the 44th President of the United States. Wow. Seriously, wow.

Yours,
Michael Moore
MichaelMoore.com
MMFlint@aol.com

Land of Confusion

2008-11-07T09:55:00.000-08:00

Why is it not okay to ask who someone is voting for, but it is perfectly okay to ask who someone voted for?

Why is the voting process kept so private, but it is okay to plaster the candidate we endorse all over every avenue of our lives, including our back yards, our cars, our blogs and our YouTube videos?

Why is a 52% popular vote considered a "landslide" when 46% of the country didn't vote for or support the winning candidate? How can a country split so severely ever accomplish anything? Why are we still one country?

How can human rights be constitutionally taken away? How can Obama supporters vote against human rights?

Why is it okay to bad mouth a candidate to the point of accusing him of being a terrorist, yet as soon as the same candidate is elected, the same people completely abandon their hateful spewing and the words of support start pouring out of their mouths?

Why do we feel contempt for candidates that sic their pitbulls with lipstick at our candidate, yet we then comment on how gracious their concession speech was? As if one speech can undo months of hate being stirred up in the country.

Why has it taken so long for a minority or a woman to become president? What kind of country is this? With an obvious token of a female vice presidential candidate chosen and subsequently not allowed to talk to the press or have her own opinions, is true equality of the sexes ever going to be a reality?

Is Obama telling the truth? Will he really bring change? Will he really deliver on the promises he's made?

Will the hate that was stirred up in this country by the Republican party come out in dangerous ways?

Victory

2008-11-04T21:39:00.001-08:00

Voting Updates

2008-11-04T14:04:00.000-08:00

Me, about 5 minutes after voting!!! For the first time!

Owen and James coming back after video taping for a bit.

Owen and James with their Video The Vote badges. Owen got one when he went to the meeting with James last night.

James tries to take a picture with his camera phone to send to his sister, who sent us one earlier of her "I voted" sticker.

Here is one of Owen. He got to vote too, in the kids booth. He voted for McCain for president, and for Charles Aldrich of the Libertarian party for senator. He likes to say he wants McCain because he thinks it's funny to pick the one we don't want.

Here is one of James with his "I Voted" sticker.

Voting was easy as pie here. There was no line, at least at the time we voted which was around 2:30. There was a table set up for voters to register, and one set up if you already were. We went up to the already registered table, and our names were on the list and we signed off and got our ballots without incident. They are paper ballots which were extremely easy to figure out. You simply color in a circle with a black marker pen. The only thing is it that it was two sided, which I didn't realize until James told me, but after I figured that out it was all easy sailing. I then went back to our apartment, and James and Owen stayed and tried to video tape a bit, but they told him not to, so he didn't get much. If there are any problems he will get called later tonight, and if a line forms we will tape that, but so far it's been just a even flow of people going in and out, but no lines. The guy told James that half the people in the precinct had already voted. After I left, Owen was invited to vote in the kids booth they had set up. It was for school aged kids, but James just filled in "homeschooled" for him.

Voting was a great experience. Oh, and here is the sign on our balcony that you can see from the voting polls ;-)

Things To Do Today

2008-11-04T07:45:00.001-08:00

1. Obsessively watch all the daytime talk shows.

2. Obsessively check the internet news feeds.

3. Obsessively watch out the window to see if people are voting or if a line is forming (it's across the parking lot from us).

4. Take a short break to go out and buy a bottle of champagne.

5. Obsessively watch more daytime talk shows.

6. Obsessively check internet news feeds again.

7. Walk across the parking lot and VOTE!!!

8. Video the Vote!

9. Obsessively watch the evening news.

10. Obsessively check the internet and election updates on TV.

11. Celebrate by cracking open the bottle of champagne and being madly and insanely happy.

12. Go to sleep knowing that peace and hope have returned to the land.

Decision '08

2008-10-31T14:02:00.001-07:00

Our family's take on the election.

Happy Halloween

2008-10-31T13:23:00.001-07:00

Yes We Can

2008-10-29T18:56:00.000-07:00

Don't Speak For Me Sarah Palin:

Yes We Can:

No, You Can't:

The Great Depression

2008-10-22T11:33:00.001-07:00

All this talk about an imminent financial depression is... depressing. I wonder though, how much worse will it get for our family? I'm working on our own financial plan to withstand the effects of George W. Bush's economy.

Our Families Economic Plan For the Future:

1. Transfer all credit card balances to one low interest card (we opted for this rather then trying to get a secured loan).

Doing this will help us pay down our debt by giving us one balance to focus on and watch as it hopefully goes down. It simply makes things more organized and less confusing when it comes to paying off our debt. It also makes it much easier to keep track of our progress and to budget our funds since we will be able to pay rent with one paycheck, and this credit card bill, plus the electric bill, car insurance, and out of pocket health care costs with the other paycheck. Being able to split the bills in this way will assist in fine tuning our budget and showing us just how much money we have left to live on at the end of the day.

2. Cancel all credit cards except two; the card that holds our current balance and a card with a much lower credit limit that will be used for both online purchases and kept in our wallets for true emergencies.

Canceling cards is not really optimal for the sake of our credit score, however, it is a necessary step in getting organized financially and reducing our debt. The more cards we have the easier it is to use those cards. The more we have smaller balances spreading out over multiple cards, the greater the illusion that we don't have as much debt as we do. I've already canceled two cards, and one just has a small balance to pay before canceling it as well. This will leave us with only two cards as mentioned above.

3. Put a freeze on credit card spending.

Yes, we are using a hatchet on this one :-) The best way to reduce credit card debt is to stop charging with them. Seems obvious enough, but when you are trying to survive in a failing economy, sometimes you resort to pretty stupid things to keep yourself afloat. Now that our immediate crisis (living in a house we couldn't afford) is over, we have been able to stop charging for the most part. The problem is that we have no emergency funds, so if an emergency comes up, we have no other way to deal with it then to charge money to our cards.

4. Start an emergency fund.

When you have debt, it seems kind of dumb to put money into a savings account instead of paying down your debt. However, that has not proved to be true. If we had focused on having an emergency fund we would not have had to charge things like the cat's vet bills or car repairs. We have two savings accounts, one is sort of a holding area for money that we will need out of one paycheck in the next pay period, if that makes sense? Due to my new spending strategy, this holding area may not be necessary, we will have to see. We also have a second account that is supposed to be an emergency fund. The emergency fund is chronically empty, which has added to the issue of our credit cards getting overused. We now have a tiny bit of money in our emergency fund and I plan to really focus on building up this fund before paying down our debt. I will pay slightly over the minimum on our debt, but will put all of our extra money into this emergency fund. I have to balance this out with monthly health care costs, which thanks to Bush have become exorbitant (we could rent a studio apartment for what we are spending on health care each month!!). Despite that though, I hope to build up a fund large enough so that if we have an unexpected expense, we will be able to use our savings instead of going further into our debt with credit cards.

5. Make extra money.

This is easier said then done. However, I have a few potential areas up my sleeve of being able to do this. One is that I will soon be watching my niece during the day for some extra money. This will offset our health care costs, and pretty much nothing else, but that alone is worth it. There are a couple other possibilities on the horizon as well. Those possibilities are already earmarked for my college fund. I have a goal of starting college soon. I will need to get as much financial aid, grants, or scholarships as possible, as well as use the earmarked money to pay for this. There are a few other little things up our sleeves as well, and we've agreed that any money made from these endeavors will go right into paying down our debt. Finding ways of making extra cash is something we have done for quite sometime and we only intend to up our efforts.

6. Get a college degree.

This is more of a long term goal for both James and I. James has an associates degree already, so I will be the first to enter college to catch up to him. We both would like a bachelor's degree and this will enable us to make more money in the future which will in turn ensure that Owen and any other children we have will also be able to attend college. This is really an investment into our future, and the future of our child(ren).

7. Continue to rent.

Home ownership is not the investment it was once touted as. We bought our townhome at the perfect time, and sold it at the perfect time to make a huge profit. We used that profit to pay off our cars, both of which we still own, and to pay for James college education. We bought our house in Big "Mistake" at the worst time, and sold it at the worst time. We lost a great deal of money, money that we used to pay for materials to fix the house up in hopes of making a profit, money that we charged to our credit cards simply to make ends meet while we watched the economy tank, and money that we simply lost in the devaluation of our home making so we left with no profit. We will never again buy a house thinking that it is an "investment". We also will never again buy a house unless the mortgage payment is 1/4 of our income. This used to be an old rule that they would go by to approve loans, which they abandoned with deregulation. We will also put 20% down, another old rule that was abandoned with deregulation. So, if some day we earn enough, and save enough, where we would be able to put 20% down and pay 25% of our income in the mortgage payment, then perhaps we will buy a house. Or if by some chance we received a windfall of money, then we would buy a house. However, if either of those things ever happen, we will not mind. We have readjusted our goals and thinking about this, and we now simply hope to rent a townhome, nicer apartment, or house one day in a slightly nicer neighborhood in the same general area as we live in right now. If we can pay down our debt and increase our monthly income we should be able to accomplish this sometime in the future.

8. Prepare for a depression.

I don't want to get all alarmist or doomsdayish, but if the country does face a "depression" there are things we could do to prepare. As I mentioned, one thing is saving up an emergency fund, preferably enough to cover expenses for 3 months time if James lost his job. We could also invest in food. If costs on food go up dramatically, the financial return on food will be better then putting your money in stocks at this point. Buying staples like rice and beans or other dried or canned foods could really be both a good investment and an emergency stash of food in the off chance that things get really bad. Paying down debt as quickly as possible is always a good goal, but the emergency fund will take precedence in our case. It is essential that James hold on to the job he has as well. This is not totally in our control, as layoffs during a depression are inevitable, but putting a little extra effort in being the stellar model employee that James is, could really pay off in the long run. Now is not the time to be discontented with a job, or try to find a new job (not referring to James here, just in general). Now is the time to hang tight, do the best job you can, and hope that you have enough seniority to not be the first one let go in a time of crisis. If worse comes to worse, there is always the option of creating a cooperative system among friends and neighbors by learning to barter or trade necessary items or services.

That is our economic plan for post-Bush survival.

McCain says...

2008-10-20T11:54:00.000-07:00

Palin is the "direct counterpoint to the liberal feminist agenda for America".

Yeah, I think I'll vote for a president who cares about my "health".

How to Set Up Your TV to Watch Digital Stations Without Cable or Satellite

2008-10-10T10:19:00.001-07:00

Our wonderful government has decided that since our economy is doing so well, that we all aught to be able to afford to make the switch to digital TV this February. If you have cable or satellite TV, then you're lucky and will likely have a smooth transition with the assistance of that company. For those of us who are too poor to own such extravagancies, we will be forced to fork out the most money for the switch. Logical, no? When I asked a Best Buy employee how I go about getting a digital signal for our TV, she told me that "they" want everyone to go to High Definition cable or satellite. So, whoever "they" are, can pay my monthly cable or satellite bill if that is what "they" want, but until then, I will find a cheaper solution. Paying a monthly bill for years will always be far more expensive then making a one time payment for some new equipment. The following are instructions on how to go about the switch, while making the smallest dent in your pocket book.

Things you will need:

1. A TV with a built in digital tuner, or, a digital converter box. Rumor has it that there are mail in rebate coupons available for the purchase of digital converter boxes. I did a quick search for them, and I found plenty of mention of them, but no links, so ask around for the coupon if you need one.

2. A digital antenna. There are several types, both indoor and outdoor. We finally settled on this one.

Things you may need:

1. A DVD recorder with a digital tuner.

2. An alternative way to record programing. Perhaps over your computer, or on a DVR device. Though with a DVR, you will need to pay a monthly fee, or with ReplayTV, a lifetime membership fee of around $300.00. Alternatively, if you already own compatible technology, you could simply buy the cords that can connect a laptop and TV, and then play shows off of the networks players, or off of Hulu.com.

Our Story of Digital Conversion:

It is true that your rooftop antenna may still pick up digital channels. However, we found our apartment's rooftop antenna to not do this task very well. It only picked up a couple digital channels, and even those were spoty. We first tried the cheap rabbit ears type digital antenna and got zero channels picked up with that. Our third attempt at picking up digital channels was successful. We bought the above linked RCA digital antenna with amplifier, and it worked. It picked up every single digital station in the area, except CBS. I called the local station that carries CBS and they informed me that their digital signal is not very strong yet, and that they are working on it daily to be ready by February. They must have been working hard, because this morning I successfully picked up CBS.

A funny thing is that the digital signal does not degrade gradually. You either have a signal, or you do not. That means, if something is messing with the signal, you will have a channel that constantly turns off and then comes back on. This also happens when we walk in between the antenna and the sliding glass door. If you do get a signal, it is a brilliant digital picture and looks spectacular. If the signal goes away, you will get a couple seconds of pixelation, and then a black screen. Generally if it goes out like this, it only goes out for second and then comes right back on. The weather definitely interferes with the signal as well. We hung the antenna on the wall over our heads so that we don't get a bad signal whenever one of us walks in front of it, but at times we need to take it down and set it flat, because if the weather is interfering, it works best when flat on a table and not hung up vertically on a wall. For the most part though, we are getting good reception and can watch our shows in their brilliant digital glory.

Once we got the digital antenna up and working, we realized quickly that we had a problem. We have a VCR, and it will not take a digital signal, only analog. We went to Best Buy and asked if the digital converter box would covert the analog signal for a VCR, and the answer was no. The digital converter box will only work on a TV. I tried hooking it up so the VCR was simply getting a picture from the TV, which I swear was possible on my old TV, but no more. This new TV only has 'ins', no 'outs', for video. Ugh. We found out we have a few options in this regard. We could buy a DVD recorder or DVR recorder that have a digital tuner that we could plug into our digital antenna, or we could buy the software that would turn our laptop into a DVR recorder. However, we lacked available funds for such technology, especially since a DVR has a monthly fee, so we decided upon the cheaper option. That option was to simply watch any shows we missed on our laptops. The sad thing is, we miss all the shows because Owen goes to bed late and most shows are not appropriate for a three year old to view. We can watch Survivor while he is awake, but that is the only show he likes and will sit halfway still and quiet for.

Each TV station now has players online and will make available full episodes of their shows for a limited time after their air dates. On NBC we both watch The Office, and I watch ER. On ABC, we both watch Pushing Daisies. On CBS, we both watch Survivor and The Amazing Race. ABC's player is the worst, and skips frequently while viewing. NBC has the best player available. CBS has a decent player, but they are not up to date with their episodes. For example, Survivor from last night is not up yet, even though ER and The office from last night are. The Amazing Race has no full episodes up and we were forced to watch it on YouTube last time. The cheapest solution for watching our shows would seem to be watching them on these players. We can buy a plug to go from our laptop to our TV, which will show everything on our computer screen on the TV screen. This is our plan for now. Eventually we may be able to buy one of those DVD recorder devices, or the software to turn our laptop into one, but for now this should work fine and will save us some money. It would work even better if CBS would put their shows up, but we'll have to make due.

Since we get off pretty cheap by having free wireless internet at our apartment, and no cable bill, we are saving quite a bit of money monthly that we can put into paying off or debt. When our old TV broke, we splurged with our tax rebate and bought a new digital HD set, so we were all ready for the digital TV era to be ushered in without having to buy a converter box. We payed about $50.00 for the digital antenna, and will need to spend about $40.00 for the cords that go from laptop to TV. The cheapest cable TV package is about $10.00 a month, so nine months of cable would have cost the same as it did for us to buy the equipment needed to switch over to digital, cable and satellite free. After nine months, we will have gotten our money's worth and will be saving money by not doing what "they" want us to and getting cable or satellite.

Your Custom Obama Logo

2008-10-08T14:44:00.000-07:00

http://logobama.com/

Calming Down

2008-10-06T16:12:00.000-07:00

I am learning that politics are a very stressful endeavor. When I was a Jehovah's Witness, I was not supposed to vote, and I was encouraged to take a politically neutral stance. That proved to be difficult since there is not much about me that is neutral. I had definite opinions on politics, especially as the years went on. By the time of the last election, Bush versus Kerry, I was openly against Bush, I just followed the "rules" of my religion and didn't vote.

Now that I am allowed to participate to the fullest in politics, I am wondering how you people deal with the stress? How did you get through elections in the past? What happened when you went to bed thinking Gore was president and woke up to eight years of hell with Bush? How do you cope with the ups and downs of the polls? How do you deal with the fear that this election could be rigged like the last ones were? When you add to this the backdrop of a failing economy, global warming, and war, it becomes so much more stressful. It feels like this election is a life or death matter.

That being said, I am beginning to calm down about it just a bit. I really feel like the republican party has had it's day. I don't feel like the people will continue to vote against their best interests, even if democrats are not pro-life (the one hold out issue for many). I've heard from many pro-lifers who are wrestling with their conscience over the fact that the "pro-life" candidates are also pro-war and pro-ruin-the-environment. When weighing out these factors many are realizing that fetal life is not the only life we should care about protecting.

I don't think that a republican will be voted in this election. I don't feel that a republican will take office for a long, long time after this, if ever again. James disagrees with me about them never taking office again, and quotes all the history of the presidencies to back up his stance. I remind him though that we didn't have YouTube back when Nixon was voted in, or Reagon, or Bush. We didn't have blogs, we didn't have chat rooms and discussion boards. And if we did, they were not used to the extent that they are today. Any person these days can have a say about who should be our next president, and they can post their opinions and create YouTube videos about it and send it sailing around the internet. If it was not for YouTube we would not know about Sarah Palin's odd religious practices. These practices are a taboo subject and as far as I know no journalist has ever even asked her about them. But we are all aware of them, because some guy who used to go to her church put some videos up on YouTube. Those videos traveled around the blogosphere and ended up being shown on shows like The View. Now so many people are aware of her religious practices that Saturday Night Live mentioned her belief of "The End Times" in their recent sketch. This didn't come to light because of a journalist, and we wouldn't have known about it if we had depended on them to find out for us. In the age of YouTube, there are no secrets, and the republicans are going to have a harder time convincing us to vote for them when they offer nothing to us (the middle class).

Even if the republicans don't go away for good, like I dream of, I am still pretty confident about the outcome of this election. I think Obama is going to win. I am a little nervous about the election being rigged, or about McCain coming up with some stunt at the last minute, but other then that I am finally able to take a deep breath and relax a bit. I wont be able to fully relax until after the election, but I am feeling much more confident after the two debates and seeing how the polls are reacting is very reassuring.

Register to Vote

2008-10-02T09:00:00.000-07:00

And then send this to five friends.

Prepping Biden for the Debate

2008-10-01T22:42:00.000-07:00

Biden learns how to debate Palin.

Saturday Night Live: 9/27/08

2008-09-29T07:50:00.000-07:00

Someone's Been Listening to our Political Discussions

2008-09-26T17:24:00.000-07:00

7:15 p.m.

Me: Owen, are we gonna watch the debates? And we'll say, "Go Obama, Go Obama"!

Owen: No, I will say "Go McCain!"

Me: What? McCain?

James: Owen, are you a member of the young republicans association?

Owen: (pointing at me) You will be McCain, and Daddy will be Obama, and I will be Obama too.

Note: I'm not quite sure how he knows who McCain is. He must be listening to our discussions lately, and I guess we spend more time trashing McCain then supporting Obama. Oops :P

"Palin is Committed to Life" - huh?

2008-09-24T12:45:00.001-07:00

Today on a discussion board someone made a comment about voting for McCain/Palin because of Palin's commitment to life. This person said that we should make stopping abortion our number one priority. I disagreed. Here is how I responded:

Palin is only committed to fetal life, she's rather anti any other type of life. She doesn't care for animals and regularly kills them herself. She doesn't want to protect them from extinction either. She doesn't care about global warming, which threatens all life on the planet. Just where do people think these fetuses are going to live if we don't stop climate change? She is pro Iraq war, which has killed an estimated 1 million Iraq civilians, including children and babies. To say that Palin has a "commitment to life" is a completely false statement.

Also, I have a son who is 3, and I am voting for him, not for other women's fetuses that they don't even want. I'm voting to preserve my sons life on this earth. I want him to grow old and be happy and become a grandfather to children who can also grow old and live a happy life. Making abortion my number one priority means sacrificing my own sons right to life and happiness on this earth. I want to prevent him from being killed in some super storm caused by climate change, or getting killed from global warming along with the rest of the planet, or getting killed in war when he grows up and gets drafted into one of the republican parties many wars. I also want him to be happy, I want him to have access to health care and college, I want him to make enough money to support himself and his family, and I don't want him to lose another house or struggle like we have financially in the last eight years.

When will people realize that abortion is a symptom of an unhealthy society? You can't fix the problem by not allowing abortion. If you want to stop abortion, vote based on the life and happiness of your own children and for others, not on some off chance that the party you pick will maybe overturn a law, that may or may not be followed in the 50 states.

Politics and News Links

2008-09-24T12:07:00.000-07:00

The Twelve Lies Of Sarah Palin
These are not hyperbolic claims or rhetorical excess. They are assertions of fact that are demonstrably untrue and remain uncorrected.

FOX News Producer: Restrictions On Palin Access "Unprecedented" There's not once chance that Governor Palin would have to answer a question. ... They're eliminating even the chance of any kind of interaction with the candidate -- it's just unprecedented.

Biden's Team Restricting Press Access Too
While McCain held his first, brief press conference today -- for the first time in 40 days -- Sarah Palin has yet to take a question from a national reporter. Biden, in contrast, has done more than 80 interviews.

Video: Campbell Brown: McCain Sexist For Sequestering Sarah Palin

Video: Saturday Night Live Spoof: Sen. McCain approves truth-enhanced negative campaign messages

Video: Bill Maher McCain Ad

All the Candidates’ Cars
And based on public vehicle-registration records, here's the score. John and Cindy McCain: 13. Barack and Michelle Obama: one.

What about my mortgage? The Bush administration wants to help beleaguered financial institutions - and prevent the financial crisis from getting worse - by spending $700 billion to buy up troubled mortgage securities.

But many struggling homeowners are asking: "Where's my bailout?"

Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator

Me: Mole Valdez Palin
James: Chin Trout Palin
Owen: Muzzle Mammoth Palin

Electoral Vote Polls

As of today:

Obama: 282
McCain: 256

The Quote That Could Ruin McCain

2008-09-20T08:02:00.000-07:00

"Opening up the health insurance market to more vigorous nationwide competition, as we have done over the last decade in banking, would provide more choices of innovative products less burdened by the worst excesses of state-based regulation."

Source: The New York Times: McCain on Banking and Healthcare

Life Updated

2008-09-18T21:20:00.000-07:00

Sick Cat

The matter of our very sick cat has seen some new developments. We ended up spending a grand total of about $600.00, give or take a bit. (We didn't spend it so much as add it to our already insurmountable credit card debt.) For some inexplicable reason, he did not recover as much as expected during his four day stay in the hospital. His kidney's started to improve with food and water forced into his body, which was unexpected as they were originally thought to be the root of the problem, but his liver did not. This indicates that the problem was not kidney disease after all, but some issue with his liver. This could be a few things: an unexplained illness, an infection, a cancer, or an ingested toxin. The next step would be to perform unltrasound, which would be very expensive. Instead we opted for steroids and antibiotics. We picked Oliver up on Monday morning, and have been tempting him with tuna and treats ever since. We give him his medication twice daily, and now we just wait and see. If it is an infection, the antibiotics will clear it up. If it is cancer, the steroids will shrink it. It could also be a toxin, in the form of one often chewed upon pepper plant that sits out on our balcony. However, the pepper plant supposedly just causes stomach upset in cats, though he has been chewing on it since May or June, and animal illnesses and toxins are not really that well explored, so it is a remote possibility. The vet said that if he did not improve this week and start eating and drinking, then he likely had something very serious going on, and there would not be much more we could do. He has been steadily improving though, and both today and yesterday has consumed over a half a can of tuna each day. I also drench the tuna in water before giving it to him, so he has to drink the water to get to the tuna. He has had many small meals of tuna today.

The vet said that if he did improve, it could just be a cancer that is shrinking from the steroids, in which case, it will grow again once he is off the steroids. If this happens, he will go downhill once he is off of the drug, and then we will likely have to put him to sleep, as we obviously can't afford to treat cancer. At this point, it does not look like it is his kidneys, so he could make a full recovery if whatever is irritating his liver gets cleared up. We can only hope that this happens, so that we can enjoy continued years spent with our awesome cat, and also so that we didn't just add $600.00 to our debt in vain. Our other cat, Emmaline, still has not accepted Oliver back into her pride. She hisses at him whenever he comes near. This happened when he got shaved too. She believes that Oliver went to the vet and "Impost-iver" came back. James says that she must be thinking "smelling is believing, and this does not smell like Oliver!"

Parenting

It also occurred to me that we had made a bad parenting mistake that I tried clearing up today. Oliver initially started throwing up because he ate some food that Owen had spilled and was supposed to have cleaned up. Using this as an opportunity for a lesson, we informed Owen that since he didn't clean up his food, Oliver had eaten it and gotten sick, and this was why he should clean up his food when told to. It soon became obvious to us that Oliver was already sick and this whole incident had just made it obvious to us. We told Owen this before we had brought Oliver to the vet, and it was only that first day when he was throwing up, which I thought was from the food that he ate. Thinking back on Owen's reaction to Oliver going to the vet, which was very similar to his typical guilt response, I think he probably thought that Oliver was sick because of him not cleaning up his food. In all the craziness of the vet, and all the other stuff, it didn't even dawn on me until today that Owen could have gotten this mistaken impression. When I thought that Oliver had just gotten an upset stomach it seemed like a good lesson for Owen to learn, but after I realized that Oliver was seriously ill, I forgot to explain to Owen that it wasn't from the food he left out. Since Oliver's fate is still unknown, I brought up the subject with Owen and tried explaining it. I don't feel like he really grasped what I was trying to say. It's really hard to know sometimes what he is thinking or what he is taking in.

Finances

Being in debt sucks. Watching the economy collapse before my eyes makes it even worse. We are going to try to take out a loan and pay our credit cards off. We can borrow up to 70% of what our stocks are worth, as well as whatever our cars are worth since they are payed off, as well as two months salary as long as we qualify with our credit score. After all that, we just may come close to our credit card debt that we accrued in "Big Mistake". While we were trying to pay our inflated mortgage, our gas, heating, grocery, and property taxes doubled in price within two years, and then to add insult to injury, our ARM adjusted. After all that, we had no spending money, and our credit cards became our only way to make ends meet each month. I know, it was a bad plan, but it was the only one we had. But, if you have ever paid on credit cards, you know that there is no way to get ahead of the game with them. I don't understand all the math, but even with low interest rates, and always paying more then the minimum, the total goes down so very slowly it simply makes very little difference. We have had loans through credit unions before, and they are always a lot more straight forward and there are no hidden costs. I really hope we can get approved for at least half of what we owe. It will be a step in the right direction and may relieve a little bit of what we owe each month, giving us more spending money.

Yes! Bring it on Obama

2008-09-17T12:30:00.000-07:00

The Irony is Killing Me

2008-09-16T13:25:00.000-07:00

In this article, McCain adviser Carly Fiorina is quoted and calls Tina Fey's depiction of Sarah Palin, get this, sexist! If you watched the skit, then you will understand why that is so funny.

Carly Fiorina's statement was, "The portrait was very dismissive of the substance of Sarah Palin, and so in that sense, they were defining Hillary Clinton as very substantive, and Sarah Palin as totally superficial. I think that continues the line of argument that is disrespectful in the extreme, and yes I would say sexist. Just because Sarah Palin has different views than Hillary Clinton does not mean that she lacks substance. She has a lot of substance."

We are hearing a lot about sexism ever since Palin got the VP nomination. I have noticed the sexism in statements such as "she's a hockey mom" or "she's a mother of five" as reasons to show how inexperienced she is. I don't feel that whether or not she has children, or whether or not her children play hockey, are valid reasons to decide to vote for her or not. That, in my opinion, is sexist, as it diminishes her as a viable candidate based on the fact that she is a mother. This also diminishes my experience of both being a mother, and of being observed as an intelligent knowledgeable woman outside of that role.

However, when we suggest that a female candidate is not as experienced as another female or male politician, that is not sexist. Questioning a person's credentials or qualifications for the most important job in the world right now, is not in any way sexist. Daring to suggest that Hilary Clinton is much more "substantive" and that Palin in "totally superficial" is not sexist. Hilary is also a woman, therefore I fail to see how this could be construed as sexist. Suggesting that Sarah Palin is not qualified for the job that she is applying for does not diminish all women, or even Palin, it simply points out a verifiable fact.

If I went in to interview for a job that I had very little experience at, and my interviewers started questioning me on that experience or on my ability to do the job, that would not be sexist. If my interviewers pointed out that a another women would be better for the job, if it is true, that is still not sexist. If they dared point out that a certain man would be more qualified for the job, again if that is true, that is still not sexist. If my interviewers told me that they did not think I could do the job because I was a mother of one, and a hockey mom at that, and cited no other valid reason, or cited this as one of many valid reasons, now that would be sexist.

Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, and the Saturday Night Live writers were spot on in describing sexism in their recent skit. The fact that they were called "sexist" over the skit is just beyond insane.

Saturday Night Live Clip: Palin/Clinton

2008-09-14T18:23:00.000-07:00

He Came Back! He Came Back!

2008-09-11T12:54:00.001-07:00

And I didn't even put the hummingbird feeder out yet!

And Then There Was the Hummingbird...

2008-09-11T11:51:00.000-07:00

In my retelling of the most miserable day ever on my post yesterday, I forgot to mention the one bright fleeting moment. It was the moment I glanced out the window of our balcony and saw a hummingbird hovering near our wind chime. He flew up to the wind chime and tried eating from it, and when he realized there was no nectar to be had, he flew off. Was this the universes way of giving me hope? Or was it just a hummingbird?

Today I got a call from the vets office who got the blood work back on our cat. Our cat Oliver, whom we have nicknamed "Fudders", is a very sick guy. He has failing kidneys and a sick liver. The liver issue is due to him not eating. Him not eating is due to the kidney issue. His prognosis isn't certain. We had a few choices. We could either bring him in once a day for an indefinite amount of time to get fluids injected into his back and then we would have to force feed him at home. This would cost $65.00 a day and would have to be done until he got better enough to eat on his own and maintain his fluid levels. Or, we could bring to the "hospital" and leave him until at least Monday, and he would get IV fluids and be force fed. This would cost $300.00. Or, we could bring him to the "hospital" and he could stay until Monday, but only get fluids injected into his back each day and be force fed. This would cost $225.00. Of course, regardless of what we choose, in a week or two we have to run an additional blood test which will cost $85.00, and get a urinalysis, which will cost $115.00. The best scenario after all this is that he would come out of this feeling better enough to simply be put on a special diet, which costs $17.00 for 4 LB bag of cat food. However, it is possible that he would need the fluid injected into his back once a week as well. His kidneys will never heal and if he was a human he would be on the list for an organ transplant. But, he can live for years longer and enjoy his life. Or, he could stay quite sick and need so much maintenance that we wont be able to afford it and will have no choice but to put him to sleep. James and I discussed our options and decided to give him a chance. We're taking a gamble that investing in him will buy him a few more good years. If it becomes apparent that his time left wont be "good" then we will have to reevaluate the situation. We chose to take him to the "hospital" and get the IV fluids, because that will give him the best shot at recovery. We are going out of town from Friday to Sunday, and the cost of daily trips wasn't exactly cheaper, so it actually works out quite well that he will be staying there for a few days.

Owen and I dropped Fudders off at the vet. We told him they were going to help him get better, but that it wasn't going to be fun for him for the next couple days. We said goodbye to him and that we would see him in a few days when we picked him back up. Fudders wasn't amused.

In the interest of keeping hope alive, we walked to the nursery when we got home and bought a hummingbird feeder.

Bad Day

2008-09-10T21:37:00.001-07:00

A List of Things That Sucked Today:

1. Clear up something, somewhere, that I can't write about here. It was cleared up by midday today, after a few days, but what a stressful process.

2. Call my old swindling chiropractor and negotiate a way to pay a $500.00 bill he sent me for appointments that I went to after my insurance had expired (yes partially my own fault, but there is a lot to the story that I'd rather leave out). I got it down to $300.00 which I had to charge on the credit card. We had initiated a credit card freeze over the last few months and had made great progress in paying them down. In the course of one day I erased all our progress.

3. Brought my very sick cat to the vet. He had blood taken and fluids pumped into him. We wont know what is wrong until tomorrow, but it sounds like it's serious. I left with over $200.00 charged to the credit card, and likely more will be charged tomorrow when we find out the results of the blood tests and treat whatever is wrong.

4. Dealt with a very unruly child who screamed and cried every time I turned the TV off, or forget to let him unlock or lock our door, or did anything in any way that he didn't expect or approve of. After the vet, we rushed home and rushed upstairs to turn the TV on to see a show I wanted to see and forgot to record. My child saw 2 seconds of a show on the kids channel before I could turn it to the channel I needed and he threw a huge tantrum because I wouldn't turn it back. I then lost my temper with him and yelled and he ended up in his room crying.

5. That show I wanted to watch was this new show called "The Doctors". They were doing a show about homebirth today and since I am a total idiot and way to naive, I actually expected an impartial and fair discussion. It was not that. It sucked, and the OB on there totally lied to women and told them that they make L&D rooms in hospitals now that are "nicer then her bedroom" (she must have the worlds shitiest bedroom), and that women can set them up to look like spas, and that women can deliver in any position they want to, and several other completely false lies about the safety of homebirth versus hospital birth. When asked how often it happens that doctors sometimes give women procedures they don't want or need because they are in a rush she said, "zippo". Yep, zippo. Uh huh, right lady. Yeah, my birth experience didn't suck, I got exactly what I wanted, because some lady in a white coat on TV told me so. Right. This OB will have hell to pay when these women she lied to find out the truth about maternity care in this country.

So I end the day now with a half dead cat, an over $500.00 new charge on my credit card, a kid who told me to "go to my [therapy] appointment" because I lost my temper with him, and the realization that the maternity care issues in this country are quite hopeless. It's been quite the day.

Let's keep in mind: McCain is running for president, not Palin

2008-09-10T09:45:00.000-07:00

Hypocrisy

2008-09-04T21:34:00.000-07:00

:-)

2008-09-04T09:09:00.000-07:00

McCain/Palan

2008-09-03T10:20:00.000-07:00

The best quote I read lately on a discussion board:

"The only change your going to get with McCain and Palan is climate change."

Yep, that pretty much sums it up doesn't it?

I have to admit, I have a new issue to focus my anxiety on now aside from global warming. I'm now terrified that the elections are going to be rigged. The 2000 election was for sure. No one wants another 8 years of Bush policies, yet McCain is about 95% in line with Bush's policies and Palan is decidedly theocratic in her politics, which is absolutely terrifying.

If this election is stolen, I am going to be checking out some nice places in Canada to live. Who's with me?

Busy, Busy, Busy

2008-08-27T11:09:00.000-07:00

Wow, August has been so busy for me.

Thursday - Sunday, August 14th - 17th:

I visited Medford, Wisconsin with my Mom, Aunt, and Grandma. Why Medford? Because my Grandma's Grandparents owned a tannery there and had a mansion built. We saw the history museum and the current owner allowed us to tour the "mansion" which has been converted to a duplex. She told us about all the ghosts who reside there, who get mad whenever they do any remodeling. She told us they had become very active in the weeks leading to our visit. Isn't it funny how people who believe in ghosts are the ones who always seem to get ghosts? Unfortunately we didn't encounter any while we were there, though it would have been quite the experience if we had.

While we were there we went to an Amish quilt auction. We saw many Amish there and bought some of their baked goods. The Amish in Medford where pretty "worldy" I have to say. They would ride to town in vans, and their babies sucked on store bought pacifiers, and their quilts were obviously machine sewn. It was odd being amongst them. I would smile at the children and they would scowl at me, or look scared.

We also played a lot of Canasta and Irish Poker, and drank a good deal of wine and other spirits. Each morning we ate home made waffles from the waffle maker at the hotel, and we went out to eat in the afternoon and then snacked all night long.

Friday, August 22nd:

I went to the State Fair with my Mom, two sisters, and two nieces and Owen. The Minnesota State Fair is a huge freakin' deal for anyone reading from out of state. We have the largest permanent fair grounds in the entire United States. The day we went was incredibly hot and humid. We rushed around and through exhibits and displays eating snow cones, ice cream cones, and malts to keep us cool. The kids got to ride some rides and of course we all had pronto pups, so everyone was happy. I brought our heavy duty thermos that we bought for camping, and it proved to be a life saver. Literally, I think the kids would have gotten overheated had I not been shoving ice cold water in their faces every 20 minutes or so. We didn't make a very long day of it due to the miserableness of the weather.

Saturday, August 23rd:

My Brother-in-law got 4 free Vikings tickets for a military appreciation day, but he couldn't use them because it was his and my sister's anniversary weekend. It was also James and my anniversary weekend, but we are less into champagne and hotels then them since we've been married 12 years now, and so we saw nothing wrong with going to the Vikings game on our anniversary weekend. It was just a pregame, but still I had always wanted to see a Vikings game played live, and I finally got to. Not that I am a huge football fan, but in years past I enjoyed the crisp Fall Sundays, eating subs in front of the TV and watching the Vikings loose. Don't we all? We asked another couple to go, but the female half of the couple didn't care for the Vikings so the male half brought his son (we decided Owen was too young and so Grandma came over and watched him), and it was just me and the boys. We had a good time, as our friends were far greater fans then we were, so this ensured that it was all the more exciting. A lot of people got up and left 3/4 of the way through the game, as this is when the normal players stopped playing and the new players who wanted a spot on the team started playing. We didn't leave though, as I came to see the whole game, not any famous players. The Vikings lost of course, but only by 1 point I think, and they proved to show some promise, so I may reinstitute my Sunday tradition and watch the games again. This time I'll get Owen involved and dress him in his Vikings jersey to watch. One of us has to teach him about sports, and lets face it, it's not gonna be James.

Sunday, August 24th:

This was the day of our 12 year anniversary. First we went out to breakfast to ihop and I got the swedish crepes with lingonberries. Then James offered to take me to Stillwater, Minnesota, as this is one of my favorite haunts. We walked up and down the streets, going into gift and antique shops. We went down by the river and watched the bridge rise to let boats pass through, which made quite an impression on Owen. We bought ice cream cones from the old shop with a walk up window to order through. Then we went home for a rest and then back out to go to Buca di Beppo for dinner. Ever since Buca has introduced the small sized portions, we've been able to eat there as a family of three. We get a salad, a pasta dish, and sometimes a side. We always want dessert, but end up not having room. We also always leave with leftovers. Then we went to the lake and took pictures of our family as this has turned into a tradition for us. Ever since Owen has joined us we have been taking a family photo on our anniversary. Then we put Owen to bed and watched a netflix, and then the rest is not anything I'm gonna write about ;-)

Monday, August 25th:

James took Monday and Tuesday off of work to have a "staycation" to celebrate our anniversary some more. He decided to bring us to the historic Fort Snelling in St. Paul, Minnesota. We asked my parents and my sister, brother-in-law, and niece and everyone wanted to go. Fort Snelling is a military fort from the 1800's. It has been restored and there are people dressed like they used to dress back then. There are barracks and a house for Colonel Snelling, and a general store, and a blacksmith, and a hospital, and a school and everything you would need to run a tiny town. There are people working in each location dressed in period outfits and acting as if they are those people. For example, when we were in Colonel Snelling's house, his maid servant showed up with lunch and they interacted as if they were living back in the 1800's. We also saw a few demonstrations, like soldiers shooting off their muskets and a laundress doing the laundry. It was fun. We bought a tin lunch box for James, two metal old fashioned keys for Owen, a bag of sassafras tea, and a bag of Pennsylvania Dutch candy. We then went to the Mall and had dinner and my parents treated because it was both couples anniversary weekends. The place we ate had great food and a great atmosphere, so we were all quite happy with our meals.

Tuesday, August 26th:

We made arrangements to go the fair again on this day. This time we had Grammie watch Owen, as I'm really not much for bringing children to the fair unless it is a day specifically for them (I think most of them I see look miserable stuck down in their strollers looking at peoples legs all day, and Owen is too heavy for extended Ergo trips anymore). We went with another couple, and it was all men except for me, who all had far more stamina then I, so I was quite exhausted by the end of the day. However, our friends were the perfect fair going companions, they scored us a super close parking spot for free, they didn't stop too much but didn't mind stopping either, they liked looking at the same types of things we did, and they were quite the state fair food connoisseurs. They introduced us to some very yummy food, and we all shared a lot which I love doing at the fair, because the last thing I want to do is fill up. We had corn dogs this time, and I have to say, I am partial to pronto pups, but corn dogs are quite good as well. The weather was quite a bit nicer this time, and James put the thermos in our back pack so we stayed nice and hydrated. We bought Owen some marbles and a boat bath toy with a little guy in it, and both were very reasonably priced.

Today:

We woke up to thunder storms, and it has been the perfect overcast day for being extremely lazy. It's now almost 5:00 PM and Owen and I are still in our pajamas! Poor James had to go back to work, but hopefully he can take it easy today, as we are all plum wore out!

Things coming up:

On the 30th James is going to help our friends install a fence, and I will tag along if we can find someone to watch Owen, and on the 31st we are going to my Uncle's cabin for a family day, and in September we have a weekend camping trip, the Renaissance Festival, and James is going to Valley Fair. Our favorite season is also coming up soon, Fall! And then we will have apple orchards to visit, and leaves to look at, and apple crisp to make, and bonfires to go to. Thank goodness we wont have leaves to rake this year!

Letter to Target About Their Pink Play Kitchen

2008-08-24T23:07:00.000-07:00

I just sent this letter of complaint to Target, who owns the toy manufacturer "Play Wonder":

I recently walked down the toy aisle of Target in St. Paul, Mn. I was disappointed to find that the lovely blue and red "Play Wonder" kitchens had been replaced by a pink and white one. That was not all though; the pizza, dishes, cupcakes, chefs hat and apron, and the pot holders and oven mitts are now all pink, or predominately pink as well.

The issue I have with this is that I have a boy, and in this culture, pink is a color that is reserved for girls. I do not restrict my son from owning pink things, as I don't agree with enforcing strict culturally imposed gender roles onto him. However, as a parent it is hard for me to see toys in pink that I want to buy for my son as I know that he will get teased if he owns a lot of pink things. It is especially difficult to purchase a large and expensive item like a kitchen when it so obviously is coded by the pink color for girls. When all of the accessories are pink as well, even the things that he will wear like the chefs hat, apron, and oven mitts, I admittedly have a hard time overlooking all of the pink, and I know I am probably far more lenient in this area than most parents of boys. I know that toy companies are not ignorant of this color coding tactic, as all one has to do is walk down the halls of the toy aisle and see the loads of dolls intended for girls that are dressed in pastels such as pink and lavender. If toys were more gender neutral in the first place and came in a variety of colors, including pink, I would not have a problem with buying a large pink toy for my son, but that is simply not the case.

I don't like the message this sends to my son. It seems that Target is saying that only girls should enjoy playing with a kitchen, wearing a chef's hat and apron, and making pizza and cupcakes. Is Target not aware of all of the famous male chefs? What if a child's father works as a chef or a cook, how will that child feel when he sees that all of the kitchen toys are designed for girls only? What if a child's father is the one who prepares meals in the home? In this age of women working outside the home as well as men, and both men and women sharing household duties, why is Target taking us back to the 1950's by heavily implying that only girls should be in the kitchen? What message does this send our girls? Why would we ever want to pigeon hole our children into archaic roles that are no longer even reflected in society today? All of the household toys that you carry in your store should be gender neutral.

The thing I used to love about "Play Wonder" toys was their gender ambiguity. They always used to come in vibrant colors like red and blue, colors that are neither boy or girl specific. My son loves playing with his old blue and red "Play Wonder" kitchen, but unfortunately it fell victim to an accident when we moved recently and the door no longer closes. When I scoped out Target for a replacement I found the sea of pink kitchen toys. I was very disappointed to see this for the reasons cited above, but I am very confused as well. I wonder why Target's "Play Wonder" company thinks that only girls play with kitchens, or play food, or wear aprons and chef's hats? I wonder why they would deliberately limit the number of customers they sell to by making a product that is gender neutral, into a product that is gender specific? Today we bought a wooden pizza set, and though we are usually loyal Target customers, we bought our pizza set elsewhere to avoid sending the message to our son that only girls should be cooking pizza. We will no longer be buying your kitchen toys for our son unless they go back to being gender neutral.

ETA: Targets response:

I'm sorry to hear that you've been offended by the color scheme on the Play Wonder Kitchen featured at Target.

Target welcomes everyone to shop in our stores and has a long history of offering a large assortment of merchandise to a wide variety of guests. Though we serve a significant number of families across the country, we also serve many guests with diverse tastes and interests. Occasionally, we carry merchandise that some guests may find objectionable, as was your experience.

I apologize that you've been disappointed by our toy selection. Your feedback is a big help to us, so I'll be sure to share your comments with our toy buyers for further review.

Have questions or want more information about our stores, products or service? Give us a call at (800) 440-0680. You can also drop by the Guest Services Desk at any store, or visit us on Target.com. Either way, we're here to help!

Thanks for shopping with us. I hope we'll see you again soon at Target.

Sincerely,

Adam
Target Guest Relations

The Birth Survey's National Launch

2008-08-23T22:54:00.000-07:00

The Birth Survey had it's national launch on August 15th. As I've written about before, I have been volunteering with The Coalition for Improving Maternity Services (CIMS) Grassroots Advocates Committee (GAC) to help develop The Birth Survey. I have personally worked on the project for over a year, but it was started back in 2006. Lots of time and effort has gone into creating a survey that would help women to be able to choose providers and facilities that matched up with their own desires and philosophies for maternity care. I am confident that all that hard work is going to soon pay off. Over 2000 women have completed the survey already in it's first week. If you search Google --> Blogs and type in "The Birth Survey", the first 7 pages of blog entries are people blogging about the launch of the survey. They all have good things to say about it and are excited to spread the word and tell others about this project.

The Birth Survey's website will have three parts; a place where you can take the survey and share your own experience, a place where you can find a facility or provider by searching your area and reading the ratings and reviews that other women gave to them when they took the survey, and a place where you can search intervention rates for hospitals in your area. These things will help there to be transparency in maternity care, something that is highly needed. For example, if you wish to avoid an episiotomy, then you want to stay away from hospitals with high episiotomy rates. If you want a drug free natural birth, you will want to look for a hospital that has a lower rate of epidurals and inductions. If you want to avoid a c-section, then you want to choose a hospital with a lower c-section rate. Sadly, for the most part this information has not been available to women up until now. Women choose their providers and hospitals blindly, and far too often are ignorant of how their providers really practice, or how often interventions are done at their hospital of choice. Giving women the information they need to make informed choices about where they want to give birth and with whom could shift the way maternity care in this country is practiced. If maternity care was consumer driven, instead of driven by fear of litigation, there could be a big difference in how women and babies are treated during this time.

From the CIMS website:

The Birth Survey Now Available Nationwide!

For years, consumers have enthusiastically shared online reviews of movies, restaurants, products and services, but readily available information about maternity care providers and birth settings was nearly unattainable-no longer. As part of the Transparency in Maternity Care Project, CIMS developed The Birth Survey as an online resource for new mothers to share their consumer reviews of doctors, midwives, hospitals, and birth centers, learn about the choices and birth experiences of others, and view data on hospital and birth center standard practices and intervention rates. The Birth Survey is now accessible throughout the United States.

Help spread the word about The Birth Survey!

* Send e-mails to your contacts encouraging them to take the survey, or learn about the project, through our "Invite a Friend" e-mail tool. Invite your friends with a personalized message!

* Post web banners and buttons to The Birth Survey on your personal or organizational websites, or link to www.TheBirthSurvey.com in your e-mail signature and on your website.

* Distribute postcards inviting women to take The Birth Survey. Download the cards or order preprinted cards.

The Babe is Weaned

2008-08-17T19:00:00.001-07:00

He's officially weaned now. I went on a four day vacation and when I returned and put him to bed he asked for refrigerator milk. At first I didn't think we had any, so I told him that, and only then did he cry for "boobops". But he didn't cry in a way were he thought he would get them, it was more of an under his breath way, like he knew it was fruitless to even ask. I ended up finding some milk and after he guzzled down his glass, he happily crawled into my arms for hugs and then into his bed for the night.

Before I left for vacation, the last time he had nursed was over a week ago. It ceased being sad or sentimental to me soon after his birthday, and I felt like just getting it over with. Yet, I allowed him to nurse every so often, which amounted to every other day or two, just to let him have some control over the process. He wouldn't hang around long, and only nursed for about a second on each side, disappointed there was no milk left. I thought the last time we nursed should be special, or significant, but it wasn't. He had been having a particularly cranky day and when he asked for boobops he was already lying down in bed. I snuggled in next to him and let him nurse on each side for a second or two, while keeping him lying in bed.

His last nursing session was not special, or significant, which is a bit sad, but I have lots of fond nursing memories to look back on that are much better. Like the day he turned three and I snuggled him up to me and he nursed for a long time on each side. He gazed into my eyes like he used to as a little baby and payed close attention as I told him the story of how he was born. I told him only the good parts, and left processing for another day. It was a tender moment, one which was scarcely replicated after that day in our short nursing sessions, which shows it truly was time to end our nursing relationship.

The Story of How I Left the Jehovah's Witnesses

2008-08-08T12:28:00.000-07:00

I left the Jehovah's Witnesses two years ago this month. To commemorate the event, I thought I would write about my experience with leaving and post it here. It is incredibly long, but I think it is interesting ;-)
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My parents became Jehovah’s Witnesses in the early 1970’s. I was born in 1975, the year that Armageddon was supposed to come. I'm not sure why my parents thought that the year the world was slated to end would be a great time to have another baby, but there I was, and as it turns out, the world didn't end that year after all. I was a shy child, I always wanted to do the right thing, I always wanted to please my parents, and I really truly believed what I was being taught at the meetings (church). I got baptized at age 15, I started dating James at age 19, and I got married at age 21. James and I pioneered (went preaching at peoples doors for 90 hours per month) for one year after we were married. I got pregnant at age 29, and gave birth to Owen at age 30. On Friday, August 4th, 2006, at age 31, I realized that the religion that I spent 30 years believing in was not true after all.

In the first few years after James and I got married, things were good. We were on the same page spiritually, we both totally believed in the religion. After awhile, James wanted to start researching Noah's ark to strengthen his faith. We also started reading the bible together for the same reason. The Noah’s flood research introduced a magnitude of doubts into our minds. There were so many problems with a global flood, the biggest being that there were just too many species of animals. The more we researched, the more we found. We realized that either the flood was not global as the Watchtower taught, or there was some kind of rapid evolution that took place in the short time after the flood, which the Watchtower spent an entire book disproving ever occurred, let alone in an extremely rapid manner. We only got through a few books of the bible when we stopped reading because the "Jehovah" (god) we were reading about didn't match the "Jehovah" I had been taught about my whole life. It was unsettling reading about all the violent acts, the baby killings, and the unjust punishments this vengeful god was dealing out, and we just couldn't take it after awhile. We no longer believed in a global flood, but we didn't push the issue, or talk about it to anyone, because we didn't really want to think about it or have anyone thinking we were apostates.

After the flood realization, our spiritual life began slowly unraveling at the seams. By slowly, I mean over the course of years. After some time, I got the sense that James no longer truly believed it was the truth, yet upon direct questioning he would say that he did. He no longer seemed to care if we missed meetings, or that I didn't do all the things in the religion that I was supposed to, which he used to push me really hard to do. He stopped reaching out for new assignments in the religion, and backed off the time and effort he spent in it. We slowly stopped going out in service (preaching), and we started talking about having a baby.

Having a baby was something we would not even consider before, as we didn't want to bring a baby into a world that was ending. A world that was soon to have a “Great Tribulation” in which us Witnesses would be persecuted concentration camp style, perhaps having our children taken from us. I was worried enough about getting myself through The Great Tribulation and Armageddon, I didn't need the added responsibility of trying to get a baby through it too. But after we had been married about 7 years, Armageddon didn't seem 5 years off anymore like it did in our youth, it seemed more like 20 or 30 years away. We felt like the other Witnesses were wrong for thinking it was so close, and we decided to just live our lives the way we wanted to as if it wasn't coming for a really long time.

I didn't know it at the time, but James had stopped believing in the religion, he just refused to admit it to himself, and therefore he couldn't admit it to me. He changed a lot in that time, and some of those changes I welcomed. Like he wouldn't get mad at me when I missed a meeting, or pretty much totally stopped going out in service (preaching), and this in turn helped ease the guilt I felt for not doing the things I thought I was supposed to. We started watching rated R movies, drinking alcohol more than we should have been, and spending too much time on “worldly” pursuits. We surrounded ourselves with friends who had the same disregard for the rules that we did. However, some of the changes in James alarmed me. He didn’t care anymore about anything and had a flippant attitude about our lives and our future. It worried me that he seemed to not believe in the religion, and I worried about what would happen to us. What if he left the religion, what would I do then? It frightened me to think about this, and I spent a great deal of time and effort trying to convince him that the religion was true.

Then one day, we were at our friend Ryan's house, and him and his then wife Amanda started asking us about the animals, and how it seemed impossible that they would be able to become vegetarians in the paradise (which is what the Watchtower Society teaches). We told them that we didn't believe that they would, and it then came up that we didn't believe that Noah’s flood was global. It was a dangerous thing to admit we disagreed with the Society’s (Watchtower Bible and Tract Society’s “Governing Body”, the leadership of Jehovah’s Witnesses) teachings. We could have been punished if this conversation had gotten back to the elders. We were willing to take the risk because we wanted answers to our questions. We wanted someone to say, "yeah, you’re right, but of course, it's still the truth and here's why...” We didn't get that though. Ryan left the religion within weeks of our conversation. We found out later that our conversation had a big influence on his decision. As Ryan was exiting our lives for good (or so we thought), he managed to introduce the question as to why Neanderthals have DNA that does not match human’s DNA, as well as many other logical lines of reasoning about evolution that I had never been introduced to before. Witnesses are extremely ignorant in the sciences and I had no idea that vast amounts of evidence existed for the so called “theory” of evolution. The DNA thing was highly disturbing to find out. I couldn't reconcile it in my mind, and I had to eventually just stop thinking about it. I could reconcile there being Neanderthal bones, because maybe those are just deformed humans, or humans that seemed different then us at first glance, like the Pygmies of Africa, but were genetically just as human as we were. Yet, here Ryan had told me that they were not genetically human. What were they then? James and I created many scenarios to explain their existence, but, it continued to be unsettling and I would periodically think about it and then have to force the thought to the back of my mind again, along with so many others that were beginning to pile up. I gradually just decided that some form of evolution must have occurred, and that species died out along the way. I knew this was not a Witness teaching, but it was the only way I could reconcile the new information I had learned from Ryan.

Eventually we convinced ourselves that it would be okay to have a baby in this “wicked system of things”. James wanted a baby because he wanted to move forward with his life despite the fact that he remained in the religion in body. I wanted a baby for different reasons. I had always been a bad Witness. I never was disfellowshiped (excommunicated), or sinned terribly, or did anything really wrong according to JW teachings. I was considered to be “unspiritual” though because it was hard for me to do the things that make you a good witness, like preaching, commenting at meetings, giving talks (for women, this was a 5 minute role playing skit with another woman, on stage in front of the congregation), and I practically never did any personal study. I just skimmed through the Watchtower and Awake! magazines and read articles of interest. I hated going to meetings, they were so boring and stressful. I missed a lot of them. I felt guilty, and afraid that I wouldn’t make it through Armageddon. I had the perfect circumstances to pioneer but I just didn’t want to. Witnesses are not encouraged to go to college, yet we managed to send James for 2 years after we got married. That left me with no college education, working in an unsatisfying job, and feeling like my chances to get into the paradise were not as promising as they could be. Having a baby was the perfect thing to do in this situation. No one would expect me to pioneer, especially Jehovah. I wouldn’t have to go to work at my unfulfilling job, because I could stay home with the baby and feel fulfilled in that way. Taking care of a baby would give me something to do at meetings, and it would give me a perfect excuse to miss them whenever I wanted to. Aside from wanting the joys of having a child and having a natural desire to be a mother, I saw motherhood as a way to be rid of the guilt and give my life a purpose.

Once I got pregnant, the doubts became harder to push to the back of my mind. I started to consider what it would be like to raise a child as a Jehovah’s Witness. For the first time, during very brief moments, I entertained the thought that one day I would not be a Witness anymore. I still thought the religion was true, but at times, I couldn’t imagine doing it much longer. It was easy to think of my child as a baby or as a toddler, but when I thought of him as a 5 year old or a 10 year old it got harder, and it was simply impossible to think of him as a teenager or an adult because I didn’t want to think of him as a witness. It wasn’t the life I wanted for my baby. When James and I would go to meetings, I would get upset and complain to him on the way home that I didn’t want our child to learn things like that. I confessed to him that I wanted our child to go to college, and I didn’t want him to make a goal of going to Bethel (volunteer to work at the Watchtower Headquarters in New York full time) or of pioneering. I wondered what we were supposed to do after a meeting where they tell the young people that this should be their goal. Were we supposed to tell our son, “I know what they said, and I know we brought you there, and we tell you that this is the truth, but they are wrong about that, we want you to go to college.” That was not the only thing we would have to tell our child that they were wrong about. We also had to tell our child that Noah’s flood wasn’t global, and that there was likely some kind of evolution, and mankind was likely much older than 6000 years. I asked James how it would be to a child if we continuously told him “well, they are wrong about that” over and over again, yet also told him it was the truth and the way we wanted him to live. I told James that we couldn’t do that or our child would leave the truth and become worldly (a non-witness) and then he would die in Armageddon. I was confused, I believed it was the truth, and I didn’t want to have so many doubts about it, or disagree with so much that my child would be exposed to. I wanted to just believe it all 100% and nod along with everything that was said like I saw the others doing, but I couldn’t. The only answer James ever gave to me was that we had about 5 years before our child would really understand what he was being taught at meetings, and so we had 5 years to figure things out before it became a problem. This was not a satisfying answer, it only confirmed my fears that the religion really wasn’t true, and that we would soon be leaving everything, and almost everyone, we had ever known. It was so frightening a thought that I tried pushing it into the back of my mind and forgetting about it.

Right before I got pregnant, we had moved to a brand new congregation. They did what you would call “love bombing”. They threw us a shower for the baby, and I remember thinking, “well how am I going to leave now, we just got all these gifts from these people”? When I would think these kinds of thoughts, it wasn’t because I had stopped believing that the religion was true. I still believed that Armageddon was coming eventually, and the Witnesses were mostly right, or rather, the closest thing to truth out there. I just started to feel like my child wouldn’t end up being a witness anyway, and since I wasn’t a good enough one to survive, why do it? It was so hard, and so frustrating, and there were so many questions without answers, that at times I would let these thoughts come to the surface, but then I would successfully push them away again.

Then Owen was born, and life as I knew it changed forever. His birth was traumatic. It was beyond traumatic, it was an assault, a rape, that was carried out by more than one midwife, and the hateful nurses that were with me in the hospital that day. The innocent dreams I had of birth and motherhood were murdered the day that Owen was born. The first few days I was in shock, the first few months I just cried and was plagued by a constant loop of the birth replaying in my brain. From the moment I woke up, to the moment I went to sleep at night, and even in my dreams, the birth played over and over and over again. I couldn’t concentrate, or think about, or talk about anything else. If 10 minutes went by without thoughts of the birth entering my mind, then it was a good day. I was slipping away into a deeper and deeper depression. The only reason I got out of bed in the morning was because I had a baby, and the only reason I didn’t kill myself was because I was breastfeeding.

This situation was complicated by the religion. Witnesses were discouraged from seeing psychiatrists or psychologists as they were known to persuade people to leave the “Truth”. We were told that we needed to “lean on Jehovah” or “throw your burdens and anxieties on Jehovah”. If we were depressed, then we just weren’t doing enough in the religion. And, I wasn’t doing enough in the religion, so this seemed logical to me. I had not gone out in service (preached) regularly for about 2 or 3 years by that point. I did nothing else in the religion aside from attend meetings, which I missed a great deal of. Yet, I still believed it was the truth, and I was afraid of seeking professional help. Also, I’m not sure I was even capable of seeking help on my own at that point, and unfortunately, James was discouraging me from it. He kept saying that they would just give me medication, and that was all they did, and there was nothing else they could do for me. He later admitted that he was also uncomfortable with me seeing a therapist as it was so frowned upon in the religion.

When Owen was three months old, the depression and extreme sadness started to get slightly better, though still ever present, and the constant replay of the birth was beginning to tone down slightly to maybe once every half hour or so instead of every second of the day. This is when the anxiety and the irritability showed up. James and my already strained relationship was becoming worse because I turned into a very angry bitch. An even angrier bitch than I normally am. I started to have anxiety about the religion at this point. Despite my problems with the birth, I loved my baby. I would look at his innocent little face snuggled into my breast and just start crying while I wondered how Jehovah could let him die just because his parents weren’t doing enough in the religion. I felt like I was killing my baby by not doing more, but, I also started thinking that the “works” I was supposed to do seemed ridiculous and pointless. I wondered why God cared whether or not I gave a stupid role-playing speech, or raised my hand and parroted a sentence back in the microphone so that everyone in the congregation would hear it and know that I was “spiritual”. I wondered why it was so important that I go humiliate myself by knocking on people’s doors and offering them the Watchtower, when first, nobody was home, and second, no one wanted what I was offering. The truth was, I couldn’t blame them, I didn’t want it either. I knew that if I was not raised a Witness, I would have never joined the religion, which was a hard thing to admit to myself as it was supposed to be “the Truth”.

Now I faced a dilemma. I could save my baby’s life by doing more in the religion, or I could hope that the end didn’t come in my baby’s lifetime. According to the Witnesses, the conduct of the parents determine whether or not a child will survive Armageddon. James and I were attending meetings here and there, and that is it. According to the witnesses, this wasn’t enough. In fact, we had not even been officially counted as Jehovah’s Witnesses for a few years as they only count the members who regularly go preaching (putting in at least one hour a month). I was also supposed to do all the “works” I found pointless. It seemed like I was buying everlasting life by paying my dues. I was still too depressed and too confused and too upset about the birth to do the things in the religion that I was supposed to do, and due to my naturally shy personality, I had never been good at those things in the first place. This created extreme anxiety in my mind. I began to worry that Armageddon was closer than we had thought, and this terrified me. Because I was feeling slightly more capable, and the extreme anxiety and irritability were harder to deal with then the depression and sadness, I decided to find a therapist.

In my weekly therapy sessions, we dealt with the birth and with mothering. I never talked about being a Witness, and when the topic of religion came up in passing it was embarrassing to me. As the months moved forward I started to feel that Armageddon was coming sooner and sooner. This caused a great deal more anxiety. I brought it up in therapy as “I feel like the world is going to end” and didn’t say it had anything to do with religion. I felt like the end was very near. Every time I heard the president speak, or watched news show I saw signs of the end coming in what they said. I started to become overwhelmingly anxious about it. I would call James at work and tell him what I saw on TV and ask if that meant the end was coming. I would look out the windows to make sure Armageddon hadn’t come yet.

One day I sat on the couch crying to James that I didn’t know what to do. That if this was the true religion then we had to do more, and if it wasn’t true then I wanted to leave and stop doing it and go to college and make something of my life. I obviously hadn’t found fulfillment in staying home all day with a baby, and it should have never really been Owen’s job to fulfill me in the first place. James didn’t argue for or against it being true or not, he just said that he thinks the same things, and that we had about 5 years to figure things out before Owen would learn one way or another. To that I said, “but if Armageddon comes before then, then we’ll die and so will Owen!” I also added, “If it’s not true, I want to know now, I don’t want to waste any more of my life.”

For the first time, the relationships I had outside of the religion began to trouble me greatly. I was used to certain family members being worldly, or coworkers, but I always reasoned that they were good people and that one day they would see that the Witnesses had the truth. But now there were people in my life who were firmly grounded in their own spirituality, and I knew they were good people, and I knew they would never become witnesses. I saw a therapist every week, and I had a doula at Owen’s birth, and I had midwives who I saw all through pregnancy, and I worried about these people. I was afraid for them, that they would die in Armageddon because they weren’t witnesses. I thought of my family, my parents who were no longer witnesses, my sister who left when she was a teenager, my bran new little niece, my grandmother, and I stopped thinking of them as wayward lost souls who would soon realize the error of their ways and become witnesses. They weren’t witnesses, but they were good, and they didn’t deserve to die. I used to pray that Jehovah make an exception and just save these people in my life, even though they didn’t have the truth, because I knew they were good people. It made me realize that the whole world must be filled with good people, and that my stereotype of a “worldly” person that I had been fed by the Watchtower must be false. James would spend a great deal of time trying to convince me that the society was wrong about who would die in Armageddon. He tried convincing me that most people would survive, because most people were good, and that of course our innocent baby would survive. I tried to convince myself he was right, and it would calm me down to hear him say it, but I knew it was not what the Witnesses taught, and thanks to all that bible reading, I knew that God didn’t care about babies, especially first born sons.

James also tried telling me that nothing would change whether we were witnesses or not. I think that is what he wanted to believe, so it was hard to get it across to him that things would change a great deal. I explained that there were things I wanted to do, to be involved in, that as a witness I couldn’t, or at least wasn’t supposed to. Like I wanted to volunteer my time to improve maternity care to prevent other women from being abused when they give birth. As a witness though, the only volunteering we are supposed to do is preaching, anything else is a waste of time since this world will be destroyed anyway. And I couldn’t just run off and take a college class when I felt like the world was going to end tomorrow or the next day. I think I was asking James, or begging him rather, to give me the information that I needed in order to know that it wasn’t true. He wouldn’t give it to me though, even though he had it and I knew he had it, he withheld it because he didn’t want to leave the religion. This is where James and I differed. My anxiety was caused by believing in the Witnesses and trying to be one, and his came from the thought of leaving, even though deep down he didn’t really believe it.

I used to think that Jehovah was mad at me for having a baby in this time of the end. I remembered the “My Book of Bible Stories” I was given as a child and there was a picture of a woman who had not gone into the ark that Noah built. She sat on top of a rock in the pouring rain with the water rising all around her, clutching a baby, the baby crying in terror. That was me, I was on that rock, dying, clutching my baby and hoping that God would save us. I prayed and asked God to please just let me know what he wanted me to do. I said, “please let me know if the Witnesses are right or not, no matter what, just let me know what path to take.” God never answered my prayers. He just left me to drown.

Whenever I went to the meeting, the anxiety got so much worse. My extreme anxiety coincided with the Watchtower Society really upping their already ever present “Armageddon is nigh” message. Every single meeting I went to, I heard about how Armageddon was coming very, very, very soon. One such meeting was on a Sunday and we were studying a set of articles in the Watchtower magazine about Armageddon. I will never forget the article we studied that day, it was a turning point in the way I felt about the religion. The article was about surviving Armageddon. The article stated: Why do we need to “keep on the watch” and “keep ready”? Jesus explained: “Two men will be in the field: one will be taken along and the other be abandoned; two women will be grinding at the hand mill: one will be taken along and the other be abandoned.” (Matthew 24:40, 41) Those who prove themselves ready will be “taken along,” or saved, when the ungodly world is destroyed. Others will be “abandoned” to destruction because they have been selfishly pursuing their own way of life. These may well include individuals who were once enlightened but who did not keep on the watch.
Not knowing the exact day of the end of this old system gives us the opportunity to demonstrate that we serve God out of a pure motive. How so? It may be that the end seems to be a long time in arriving. Sad to say, some Christians who feel this way have allowed their zeal for Jehovah’s service to cool off. Yet, by our dedication, we have without reservation presented ourselves to Jehovah to serve him. Those who know Jehovah realize that a last-minute display of zeal will not impress him.

The application was made that we might be working alongside our brothers, shoulder to shoulder, but just because they appear to be one of us, they may still die in the end. Basically, what they were trying to say, is that not all Witnesses are going to make it. Just being a Witnesses wasn’t good enough, even if you preach, and do all the other ridiculous tasks necessary for salvation, you still might not make it if you don’t have the right heart condition. After hearing that, I knew that James was wrong in his theory that most people would survive. I also knew that I would not survive, no matter what I did in the religion, because I didn’t have the right heart condition. Because of all of these doubts I had, I would die and so would Owen. It was pointless even trying anymore. James kept going to meetings, but after that article I only went occasionally, and if I did go I would come home so anxious and distraught that it was almost impossible to calm back down again.

Right before Owen turned one year old, it was a very hard time for me since it was the anniversary of Owen’s birth, the originator of all this trauma. I brought this issue to therapy, and in an attempt to help me plan for that day and honor both my son’s existence and my experience giving birth, she asked me about birthdays and why we don’t celebrate them. I said we can acknowledge them, we just can’t celebrate them. She asked me what the difference was. I paused for a great deal of time, and then I said, “I don’t know, you know, with my religion, I have some doubts, and birthdays are one of the things I don’t really understand, or agree with them on.” It was hard for me to say, to admit that I had doubts, especially to a non-believer. A Witness is always supposed to “give a good Witness” in order to draw people to the religion. I obviously wanted my therapist to become a Witness in order to survive Armageddon, and also it was just drummed into me that I could never make the religion look bad in any way, to anybody, and that we had to appear totally united in thought. But, I said it anyway. I didn’t know what else to say that would make logical sense so I had to admit that the belief wasn’t logical. She asked, “What other kinds of doubts do you have?” After a very long pause, I said I didn’t know. She asked a few more questions trying to get me to open up about the subject, but I wouldn’t budge, I shut the conversation down. She then told me that if I ever wanted to talk about the religion, or my doubts, that we could do that in therapy. I forget her exact words, but she made it clear that she would not be able to help me to not have doubts, but she could offer a listening ear for something that was obviously distressing me.

The Jehovah’s Witnesses have an annual convention, usually three days long. In 2006, our convention was planned for July 28th through 30th. Owen would be 14 months old by this time. The convention’s theme that year was “Deliverance at Hand”. I knew just from the title, and from the fact that the Watchtower had grown Armageddon happy lately, that the convention would be all about Armageddon. As the convention approached I began to become extremely anxious. I did not want to attend and I asked James if we could stay home. He said that he had wished that I had said something earlier because he would not have minded if we had stayed home, but, now we had already booked a hotel room, and all of our friends and his Mom were expecting us to be there. He pointed out that not attending now would raise some red flags with a lot of people and how would we explain not going?

In the few weeks leading up to the convention, I was so anxious that I finally opened up in therapy about my problems with the religion. I explained everything, that “the end of the world” I had referred to was really Armageddon, and was a very real threat to me. I explained how it was coming very soon and I knew I would not survive. I explained how I had all of these doubts, yet I believed it was “the Truth”, yet the doubts prevented me from doing anything about that belief, which caused the extreme anxiety. My therapist handled the issue very well. She simply asked me questions that made me see things in a different light. She never judged me, or my religion. She never expressed any doubt that it was true, or tried to prove it was false. When I told her I was afraid I was going to die in Armageddon, she asked what I needed to do in order to live. When I answered her, I confessed to her what I thought of the “works” I needed to do. She asked what would happen to Owen, and I had to tell her that he would die. She asked what would happen to all of the non-Witnesses, and I had to tell her they would be destroyed by god. There was something about speaking these things out loud to an unbeliever that gave them more power to change my thinking than ever before. She expressed compassion for me, and acknowledged how big, and how hard this was to go through.

Then I went to the convention. I sat through three days of talks (speeches), were my anxiety was actually relieved somewhat because as I sat there listening to the talks I kept thinking to myself, “this isn’t true, this just can’t be true”. The more they spoke, the more I assimilated the information in a completely different way than I ever had before. Having had all my doubts pulled to the front of my mind and questioned in the last few weeks of therapy put what they were saying into perspective in my mind in a way it never had been before. When we would return to our hotel room in the evening, and go out to dinner with our friends, I would think to myself, “it must be true, it must be.” I wondered how all my friends could just laugh and eat dinner like nothing was happening, like it wasn’t obvious that the world was ending, and that the religion had some major flaws. I was so confused.

It went on like that until the last talk on the last day of the convention. Owen fell asleep in my arms, so I was able to pay very close attention. The speaker gave a talk that rallied everyone in the audience to be alert and on the watch for Armageddon to begin. Many lines of reasoning and evidence for the worlds impending doom was presented in this one hour talk at the end of a long day. One thing the speaker said was that “a popular TV personality”, whom I knew to be Dr. Phil, “often says ‘the best predictor of future events are past events’”. This phrase seemed to be a peculiar one to use. I thought about my life as a witness, my entire past, and how I had been waiting on the edge of my seat for Armageddon to come, but it had not. If I were to use this phrase to determine whether or not the religion was true, I would have decided it was not. The speaker talked about current events and how they lined up with biblical prophecies and how we knew that Armageddon was so close. I began to have what I think was a panic attack, but not the kind where you can’t breath, just the kind where you become frozen in your tracks and are unable to do anything at all, like a bunny that hears an unfamiliar noise. With my eyes wide, and the anxiety heightening, I heard the speaker become passionate and he went on and on about how close Armageddon was, how we shouldn’t expect a mass conversion of humanity into the true religion, and we shouldn’t allow Armageddon to take us by surprise. I was at the height of anxiety when the speaker asked us to agree to a resolution. James tells me that there had been resolutions in the past, but this was the first that I remembered. We were asked to agree to a variety of things that would keep us on the straight and narrow in anticipation of Armageddon coming. The resolutions brought back into my mind the issues that I disagreed with, the issues that I had been listening to and thinking “this just can’t be true”. He said that we should not look online for information about the Witnesses, and that we should not become members of internet chat rooms, as we may find dangerous information in these places. Over the course of the entire convention they had stressed not going online and searching for information about our religion. The amount of stress they were putting on this issue had already raised some red flags for me. What had happened to the standard “stay away from drugs, and alcohol, and worldly association”? Why this sudden change to “don’t look online” above all other evils? It didn’t make sense to me. When these resolutions were presented, they were asked in a way that everyone in the audience was supposed to say “yes” as an answer. In my state of overwhelming anxiety and panic, I became mad at this sudden interjection of “stay away from the internet”. I sat there in silence, in angry silence, and my sister who was sitting next to me seemed to notice my “attitude” as she gave me a few confused side glances. When it was over, I got up from my seat and stood against the wall (as we were on the very top row of seats at the convention center) and I avoided talking to any of our friends who had been sitting in the row with us.

On the way home James spent the entire ride trying to console me and trying to convince me it wasn’t that bad and that Armageddon wasn’t that close, but his words meant nothing to me anymore. I knew he was wrong according to the religion, and if he believed those things, then he didn’t believe in the religion. James insisted that there was room for personal interpretation, when there was not. There was no gray area, it was very black and white, and it upset me that he didn’t see that.

That was a Sunday night. The next week was one of the worst of my life. Each day my anxiety increased to a new high, and I was having trouble handling it without being insane. I had a decision to make, I needed to figure out if the religion was true or not, but I didn’t know how to do that. Everything just kept going around and around in my head in an obsessive fashion and I couldn’t figure it out. I had my therapist appointment on Wednesday that week. She asked me questions where I had to consider the possibility of the religion not being true in order to answer. She asked me how I felt talking about it, and I told her I felt better, “because whenever I allow myself to think it might not be true I feel better”. She asked me what I wish could happen and I told her that I wished I could just believe it and throw myself into it so I wouldn’t have to feel like this. She said that I talked a lot about “truth” but we needed to start talking about “fear”. She pointed out that every motivation I had for remaining a Witness was out of fear. The calming effect of this conversation only lasted while I was safely in her office. Once out in the big wicked world again everything came pressing down on me once more.

Thursday was the worst day. By then, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, and I could barely care for Owen. I considered my choices and I thought that killing myself may be the only logical option. If I killed myself, I would hopefully just wake up in paradise and bypass the whole Armageddon thing. If Jehovah refused to forgive me for murdering myself, then I wouldn’t know any better anyway, and at least I would escape the wicked world we lived in and remove myself as an obstacle for Owen’s chances to make it to paradise. I worried that James may not get Owen to paradise though because he had more doubts then I did, and this complicated that option as a choice.

On Friday, August 4th, 2006, I woke up in the morning and the extreme anxiety was there again. I was not heading toward feeling better, but just getting more and more crazy by the moment. I was tired of the whole thing by this point, and I knew I had to do something in order to make it stop. I decided that I had two choices. I could either kill myself, or, I could call my therapist and insist that she assist me in getting myself to some kind of hospital where I assumed they would help me get rid of the anxiety. Though suicide seemed like the most logical option, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it because of Owen. I decided to try to get myself committed. But, first, I figured I had nothing to lose at that point by looking online at a forbidden website about JW’s. In retrospect, I wonder why I would consider suicide and a crazy hospital before simply looking at a website online by a former JW? My only conclusion is that I must have been very brainwashed. Also, I was wrestling with myself, not over whether it was true or not, but whether I wanted it to be true or not.

I sat down at my computer, afraid of what I would find. I remember trying to clear my head and take whatever was said and try to logically analyze it. I was afraid of the “lies” that “apostates” spread over the Internet, and I thought they would twist everything around. I expected to find twisted manipulating speech that would just show me how apostates are liars and Witnesses really do have the truth. As I surfed the web I found some hateful, poorly written sites that were easily dismissed as just disgruntled ex-Witnesses spreading their lies. I soon stumbled upon a site called “Beyond Jehovah’s Witnesses – When it’s Time To Move On”. I clicked on this site and was impressed by the respectful sensitive way it was written. I started reading articles, and as I read my anxiety level started to come down. I felt a sense of scared excitement. I was terrified to be taking this step, but excited to be free from the anxiety, and to live in reality for the first time in my life. I think it was about 10 minutes into reading that I looked up and sat quietly for a moment and thought to myself, “yeah, it’s not true, it’s really not true”. Nothing I read was very significant. Many of the issues presented I already had knowledge of, or it directly touched on one of my own doubts. What convinced me it wasn’t true was reading all these things together at once. My brain had already pretty much lost the battle of being able to keep these things buried in the back of my mind, and my therapist had been further teasing them out in the past few weeks, so at that moment, when I read them all together for once, there was no denying it any longer.

There were two items that really resonated with me and after reading them I instantly knew once and for all that the JW’s did not have the truth. The first was a quote from the book “Children” which was published by the Watchtower Society in the 1930’s. In this book that was written for children, it gave the example of a young couple. It talked about how this couple should postpone marriage because Armageddon was so close, and they should put their time and energy towards preaching and not towards getting married. For the same reasons, it also encouraged young married couples to put off having children until after Armageddon. Of course, if this advice was ignored by these young JW couples back in the 1930’s, then their children would now be in their 70’s. I was shocked reading this, and also finding out that for over 100 years the JW’s have been saying that Armageddon was very close and had predicted several dates for the big event that never came to pass. The other thing I read was that the Governing Body (supposedly god’s “spirit directed organization”) had made many mistakes in the past, and was likely making mistakes currently. Not just little mistakes, big huge mistakes. Through all of my doubts I had always had it in the back of my mind that the Witnesses were the closest thing there was to truth, that the governing body had been chosen by god and we needed to listen to them as if they were speaking for god. In those few minutes everything came together for me and it suddenly clicked that this was not the true religion, that the governing body was not god’s channel, or spokesmen, or mouthpiece, as they claimed to be, and best of all, they had no idea when or if Armageddon was coming. They had proven that very well by their vast history of false predictions.

The phrase that the speaker had used days earlier came back to mind. “The best predictor of future events is past events.” I now had the missing piece that I needed to make a decision. I now knew the history of the Watchtower Society, and looking at their past lies and mistakes didn’t give me any confidence in their ability to predict the future. I now knew beyond any doubt that the religion wasn’t true, and there was no turning back from that moment ever again. One minute I was a believer, albeit a crazy messed up filled with years of doubt believer, and one minute I knew it was false, that my whole life had been based on a fantasy, and that my future was now uncertain and unplotted. The anxiety I had was now melting away. The more I read, the better I felt and I read and read and read for weeks about every aspect of why the religion was not true, and how to leave, and what to do with your life after you’ve left.

That evening James and I went on a walk and I asked him, “How would you feel if I said that the religion wasn’t true and there was no paradise?” He said he would feel very sad. I then said, “but how would you feel if I told you that the religion wasn’t true, but we don’t know if there will be a paradise or not?” He said that made him feel better. I admitted to reading “apostate” information. He listened objectively. He was extremely unwilling to warm up to the idea at first, and it took him a couple days to admit to me that he didn’t believe it either. For James, the process of leaving seemed to cause the most anxiety, and he begged me to just keep up appearances. He wanted us to continue to act like Witnesses in order to keep our friends and family from shunning us. I pointed out that we had a child and that I wanted to celebrate his birthday. James said we could and that presented no conflict. I reminded him that our child would one day be verbal and would ask his relatives if they were coming to his birthday party and would talk about the presents he got there and ask them why they didn’t come. When I would point out these things James would become sullen and depressed. He moped around for months and tried to keep our big secret from being found out. I agreed to keep it quiet for the time being, but I refused to go to any meetings and I refused to allow Owen to go to any. James never did go to anymore either.

James would often ask me why we couldn’t just fade. Fading is a tactic that some JW’s employ when they decide to leave the religion. If you gradually fade out, it seems as if you are just “weak”, and you may avoid punishment if you can successfully implement “the fade”. If I would mention celebrating a holiday he would look at me confused and say, “but aren’t we just going to fade?” I would remind him that we already had faded out before we even realized it wasn’t true. For the time being, allowing people to believe we were simply weak was fine, but there would come a time were I would want to live my life and do what I wanted without looking over my shoulder. I wasn’t going to stay caught between two worlds indefinitely. This confused and frustrated James, and our relationship was really rocky for months because he simply would not communicate with me. I wanted to talk all about the religion, and growing up the way we did, and what we were going to do now, and when were we going to celebrate holidays, and if I said any of this he would look up at me confused and partially angry and say, “but I thought we were just going to fade?” Sometimes I would yell at him and say, “we already DID fade!” and “I’m not fading forever, I want to live my life! I can’t live a lie like this and hang out with people and pretend I’m still a Witness!” He would then just shut down, and if I demanded conversation, he would stammer around and ask again and again why we couldn’t just fade. I finally told him that it was easy to “fade” out of the religion, but how can we “fade” out of friendships? He started to understand where I was coming from when I pointed this out, because he didn’t have an answer for that either. He started to accept that there would be confrontation at a certain point.

Eventually we came together again and we left the Witnesses. When an elder contacted us a year after we had stopped going and wanted to meet with us over some pictures of Owen’s birthday party that someone had found online, we sent a legalized letter that blocked them from taking any action against us. We got to have our cake and eat it too. We were not disfellowshiped, nor did we disassociate ourselves. James came around so much that he is now carrying the torch for both of us. He had written to the Watchtower Society about the Noachian Flood, and now he has written back and forth to them a few times more. He is also currently editing a book he wrote about his life as a Witness, and he is running a website that displays his letters back and forth to the Watchtower Society, and he has connected with many former JW’s.

As for me, I spent many months wondering if there was a god, or if there was another religion I should belong to. I contemplated visiting other churches, and talked often to my Mom and sister about new age mystic type stuff. I don’t currently label myself, but I know that I will never again be a Christian, and likely never again believe in any gods. I try to keep an open mind and am waiting for some type of personal experience that would show me new possibilities, but so far I haven’t had one and I am pretty convinced now that I probably never will. Thinking about the future scares me, and knowing that I will (hopefully) live to be an old lady and then die terrifies me. Sometimes when I hold Owen I get a strange feeling and I think “he’s gonna die, someday, somehow, this child is going to die.” Not that I think he will die in the near future, but he will die. We all will die, and that scares the crap out of me. However, nothing has ever been as bad as that week before I left the religion. No anxiety I have ever experienced has been on par with that. I am glad that my certain death was extended by many years, instead of being imminent. I am glad that I now live in reality, instead of believing in a fairy tale. I am glad that I can now have an open mind and choose to do or believe in whatever I want to.

I am also overjoyed that my baby and I were able to blow out two candles on his birthday cake when he turned two, and then three when he turned three. We now get to celebrate all the holidays and birthdays, and fully immerse ourselves in these moments and rituals that enrich our lives. I am living vicariously through him, and I want everything for him that I never got to have; birthday parties, Halloween costumes, school dances, and college. I feel sad for our old friends, that they are denied so many of the joys of parenting. I feel sad for their children, that they are denied a significant part of their childhoods. Owen coming into my life showed me that raising my child as a Jehovah’s Witness was not what I wanted for him, and continuing to be a Jehovah’s Witness was not what I wanted for myself.
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For more information about the letters James wrote to the society, the conversations with the elder who tried to get us to meet with him, or the legalized letter we sent to block a punishment, visit James website Watchtower Letters.

Do you know the Muffin Man?

2008-07-31T20:19:00.000-07:00

We have this recipe for Flax Muffins that I have making for years now. My mom found the recipe and gave it me with her own tips for how to make good muffins with it, and I've picked up a few tricks along the way as well. These aren't suppose to be good, as in tasty, but good for you. They are packed full of flax, oat bran, wheat bran, and I use whole wheat flour as well. They are tasty though if you make them right. They take a little getting used to, but once you get used to them, you will just love getting your daily fiber and flax from these muffins.

I need to make these more often because they are so good for you, and they are such a good and filling breakfast, and they are so simple once made. They are kind of a hassle to make, so I don't make them as often as I should. Owen loves them though and he loves helping me make them, so it is kind of a fun activity to do with him now. We made three batches today, but that only means 11 days worth since all of us eating two a day equals six muffins per day. Luckily, since these freeze so well, you can get away with making massive quantities at once.

Here is Owen and my day making muffins:

The recipe:

Flax Muffins, yields 24, 186 calaries, 4g protein, 30g carbs, 8g fat, 3g fiber

1 C flour (all purpose, or wheat)
1 1/2 C oat bran
1 C flaxseed, ground
1 C wheat bran
1 Tbsp Baking Powder
1/2 tsp salt
2 oranges quartered and seeded
1 C brown sugar
1 C buttermilk
1/2 C canola oil
2 eggs
1 tsp baking soda
1 1/2 C raisins

Notes on ingredients:

Flaxseed: Must be ground, the body doesn't digest whole flaxseeds. Can buy ground flaxseed or grind it fresh in a coffee grinder.

Buttermilk: If you don't have buttermilk then mix 1 tsp vinegar with 1 C milk. Milk can be cow, almond, soy, etc. Let sit for a bit before using.

Oranges and raisins: I've never actually used raisins, and only used oranges once and wasn't that pleased. I generally use bananas and semi-sweet chocolate chips. I have also used cranberries, blueberries, coconut, almonds, can of pumpkin pie mix, raspberries and stawberries. Use these things combined or separate, the options are limitless. When using something like cranberries, I usually add about a half cup of applesauce as well to keep the muffins nice and moist.

Instructions:

1. Heat oven to 375˚. Line two 12 cup muffin tins or spray with non-stick oil.
2. Combine 1st five ingredients.
3. Blend together oranges, brown sugar, milk, oil, eggs, baking soda. Mix well.
4. Pour liquid mixture into dry ingredients and mix just until blended. Add raisins.
5. Spoon into muffin cups. Bake for 18 - 20 minutes or until wood toothpick comes out clean. Cool in pans for 5 minutes. Remove and cool on racks.

Tips:

Start out with one muffin per day. When your body gets used to the boost in fiber, have two per day.

Keep muffins in the freezer packaged in quantities that you will use in one day. Take out a package each night before you go to bed, and they will be thawed by morning. If you forget, you can microwave them to thaw them out.

Use chocolate chips at first to help you get used to the taste. It isn't a bad taste, it just takes some getting used to if you are used to white flour foods, because this is quite different then that.

I use three bananas that have been frozen right in their peels, thawed, and then squished right into the blender. This works great and tastes similar to banana bread.

Don't overcook your muffins! If you do they will become hard and dry. You want them moist, but fully cooked. Start to check them after 15 minutes. My oven here cooks them perfect in 15 minutes, our old oven cooked them perfect in 20 minutes, so you have to figure this out.

Use the muffin pan liners!!! This stuff is like glue (which is why it so good for your intestines, all the toxins and junk stick to it and are pulled out) which is why it is almost impossible to clean off of a muffin pan after it's been cooked. Also, wash off all bowls and spoons immediately. These are not dishes you want to be lazy about, this stuff is messy.

Enjoy!

A Gnome Tree House

2008-07-21T07:52:00.000-07:00

I built a gnome tree house for Owen. Check out the post here on his all new blog. You might check out his new blog at the same time. I only have a handful of posts from the old one over there so far, but in time I will bring them all over. Since they were on iWeb I need to copy and paste posts and comments and can't just bring the whole thing over with one click.

Our whole family is soon going back to our good old web address, zimmercope.com and we are all switching over to Wordpress blogs. But that wont be for a bit since I have to design the new web page and then manually transfer all of Owen's old blog.

Bush Tries to Take Away Women's Rights

2008-07-19T09:37:00.000-07:00

Clinton vows to fight "insulting" abortion plan
Abortion Proposal Sets Condition on Aid
This bill will potentially limit birth control options and emergency contraception, especially for poor women, which will lead to more abortions and unwanted pregnancies. This is the perfect example of why church and state need to remain separate. If some people don't believe in contraceptives or in abortion, then don't use them or have one. It is not right to inflict these beliefs on everyone else. I can understand being personally against abortion (but I don't believe anyone should ever vote pro life, see second paragraph), but contraceptives? That is simply an archaic religious practice that has no place in our societies laws. This bill will classify any birth control "that result in the termination of the life of a human being in utero between conception and natural birth, whether before or after implantation" as abortion. Many contraceptives work this way, including the morning after pill, some versions of the pill, and IUD's.

I think abortion is a personal decision, but no matter what your beliefs you should never vote pro life. In fact, there are some very religious people who vote pro choice. The reason is that the fetus should never, ever, be given any legal rights. Why? Because if a fetus has legal rights, then doctors and hospitals can do anything they want to women in the name of the fetus while she is in labor or giving birth, whether it is actually safe for her or her baby or not. Some pretty horrific things are done to women on a regular basis and since the fetus has certain rights, there is no recourse for the mother legally speaking. I learned this when I read Pushed: The Painful Truth About Childbirth and Modern Maternity Care by Jennifer Block. Passing any further bills that take away more of women's rights by labeling popular contraceptives as "abortion" and thus giving the fetus more rights is a dangerous thing to do in the way of maternity care in this country. And we are already in a very bad place when it comes to maternity care in this country. If you have any question about that watch The Business of Being Born produced by Ricki Lake and directed by Abby Epstein.

Saturday and Sunday

2008-07-14T08:06:00.000-07:00

Our Weekend

Saturday, Diane and Mike came over and we went to Cassettas for lunch to celebrate Diane's birthday. Then later we went over to the Sutters, met new people with kids that Owen played with like crazy, ate tons and tons of food, and burned brush. Sunday, we got up too late to go to try another church, sat around for a bit, had a long argument that turned into a discussion about money, ate pizza for lunch, I built Owen a new toy that I'll feature here soon, James did projects on the computer. We ate left over chicken macaroni salad for dinner, then we went on a TWO HOUR walk at Crosby Lake Park. We ran into some dear old friends of ours, who decided to shun us, even when James smiled and waved as they exited the park. Owen fell asleep on the way home. I could barely make that last half hour, but managed to get home somehow. Then I took a long bath to wash off the sweat and escape Owen.

Our Argument About Money

It started out because James wanted to make a rather large purchase. A good purchase: a bike and a child seat so we could all bike together. However, there is no money for a purchase that big. There is never any money. Things like that get put on the credit card with our best intentions to pay them off as soon as possible. Do they get payed off? No. The monthly bill we owe just keeps rising and rising. There is no extra money for anything. I did a very extensive budget, factoring in that I will soon need to pay for therapy out of pocket, and guess how much spending money we are left with? $50.00 a week. That includes everything aside from bills, groceries, and gas. So, eating out, clothes or anything that comes up that we need, and fun things that we go do or want. That is usually spent in about a weekend. This weekend we only spent $15.00 of it, and now the rest goes to tabs on the car, since we don't have extra money for stuff like general maintenance on the cars. This is problematic because both cars are over 10 years old now, and the Jetta just needed new brakes, and now it's making another odd noise. Every couple months there is about a two to four hundred dollar expense on the Jetta. It's the worst car we've ever had as far as maintenance is concerned. I told James that we had to put a freeze on our credit cards. We have to save up and buy, or just not buy, or we will never get out of this hole. He agrees with the logic, but, we've been living this way for a long time now. Ever since we moved to Big Lake. Once upon a time, we were young and hopeful and thought that we had enough money, and thought things would only get better. We would only make more and more money as time went on, so our lot in life would continue to improve. But, right when we moved to Big Lake, the economy started rising higher than the pay checks could keep up with. James made a record number of raises while we lived there, and when we moved out he was making $5.00 an hour more than when we moved in. But the economy had gotten so bad in three short years that it didn't matter, we had less money in our pockets to spend at the end of the day. Now we spend our money before James even makes it. Each check he's gotten lately has been partially chewed up by money I've already spent that we didn't have in the bank yet. Not a good way to live. Our checks don't bounce because they don't cash our rent check for about 3 weeks after it is due, and we also bank at a credit union so they simply cover it and we pay them back with interest if we overdraw. Nevertheless, we keep falling further and further behind, and my dreams for the future seem so far away now that they are almost invisible. Even the solutions seem distasteful and like they wont make much of a dent. I am looking into getting a part time job and putting Owen into preschool or daycare during that time. I have never even made $10.00 an hour though, and with the economy so bad, are there even many jobs available? How much can I hope to make? And how much will daycare eat up? It would help to make any money at all, and the fact that I want to get out of the house and put Owen in a environment where he can socialize with other kids is a motivating factor. However, I'm not sure how much money I will bring home. Any little bit will help I guess, but it seems like a lot of hassle and work for very little compensation when I think about it. It wont do any real good, it wont help me to be able to go to school or take classes anywhere, it wont help us save for a house, or be able to afford a duplex so we can have a yard for Owen to play in. It's times like this that I hate that I was raised a Witness. If not for being in that unfortunate circumstance, I would have gone to college and I would be making a lot more money right now, and I would be living in one of these beautiful houses that we walk past every day. I fantasize about winning the lottery, but I can't even afford to buy lottery tickets. It's like the economy got so bad that we slipped from a comfortable lower middle class right down into poor. We are just an emergency large expenditure away from moving in with one of our parents. It's quite an unsettling feeling. Thanks a lot George W. Bush. You've ruined our lives, along with the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society.

Speaking of Witnesses, How About That Shunning?

Running into our old friends was odd. They rode by on bikes, and he stared at me, while she looked down so as not to make eye contact. By the time I realized who they were, it was too late to react. But, we were given a second opportunity. Walking up the hill out of the park, I got so tired I had to stop for water. James turned around to assist me and at that moment they drove by in their SUV. He waved and smiled, and they ignored. I wonder what is going through their heads. Are they feeling superior, because he is an elder and she is a pioneer, and look how far we have fallen, and they did the "right" thing by ignoring us? Is there some place inside them that feels like crap for ignoring their friends? Is it like how I was when I was a Witness, where if someone like us would try to talk to me I would think how horrible that person was and be utterly confused. "Why would they try talking to me, they know they are not supposed to?" It never even occurred to me that even though they had left the religion, they didn't believe it anymore and they didn't play by the rules of shunning. JW's want you to play by those rules, they want you to hide your head in shame as you walk past them, and they feel very angry if you don't follow your prescribed role in that regard. It's an odd thing really, why would they think that we would submit to rules of their religion that we don't follow anymore? Why would they think that even if we left the religion, we still must believe it, somewhere deep down? I thought those things to, to the extent that even when faced with direct evidence, or outright statements of their disbelief, it still just didn't even occur to me that they weren't playing by the rules because they didn't believe in the rules. They probably think we are even more evil and hateful now that we waved and smiled at them.

Give Me That Ol' Time Religion

2008-07-08T10:23:00.000-07:00

Well, not quite. Just give me that ritual and the community and I'll be happy. James and I attended our neighborhood Unitarian Universalist Church on Sunday morning. It's been described by some as "religion for atheists with children", but that is not entirely accurate. Not every UU member is an atheist or agnostic, and in fact the majority probably are not. They are however, a group of christians, atheists, buddhists, agnostics, pagans, jewish, and any other kind of belief system you can think of.

I'm not sure we fit in with that specific congregation as I have a feeling that they lean towards being Christian, and, we don't. Apparently this is how UU churches are, they all lean in different directions, and your personal leanings may not be represented by certain congregations. The main philosophy though is that they are accepting of all belief systems, and promote spirituality within the individual, so even if most people there are Christian, we would still be accepted. However, we may feel more comfortable in a different congregation. I think we might try a few in the area and see where we want to be, or if we want to go at all.

After going to Kingdom Halls all of my life, there are a lot of notable differences in attending a very liberal religious service. One huge difference was that this was an actual church with pews. It didn't have a cross in the front, but a chalice that was lit at the beginning of the service. Unlike the Witnesses, no one did that much socializing before the service, they basically filed into the pews, and sat and listened to the music being played on the piano. Then there were a lot of ritual type things once the service started. Lighting the chalice, sitting in silence, listening to music, singing hymns, and even praying, though the prayer was unique in that no one bowed their heads or said amen and god was only vaguely referenced in a round about way that we didn't even really need to think of as god. None of these things were regimented in the way that JW meetings are. There was no direction aside from our program about when to stand for songs, or why everyone was just being quiet for a few minutes, or other things that happened. There was no supplemental, directive, or explanatory language of any kind. We simply had to follow our program and the people around us to know what to do. Then there were poetry readings, and a sermon. Both of these things were very interesting to listen to, and the sermon was very well done. The woman was an excellent speaker, and she wasn't even the minister since during the summer, members of the congregation give the sermons. This was quite the contrast from the dull, hypnotic, utterly boring meetings that I have sat through my entire life. I didn't know that a church service could be interesting. We sang three hymns when it was all said and done, within only about an hours time, and we listened to several tunes being played at the piano. So they were a lot more into the music then a Kingdom Hall. Each song mentioned god, which was okay, but something to ponder. The hymn book has songs and readings in it and has sections from different belief systems, like christian, jewish, buddhist, and humanist. And this congregation selected three songs from the christian section, hmm. After the service we listened to closing music, and then everyone filed out and into a room for refreshments and socializing.

It's not really that the god references bother me a great deal, it's just that I want to fit in. I want to feel like I have something in common with the other people there. I'm also worried about how this impacts Owen. At the Kingdom Hall the children stay with the parents, for their two hour marathon meetings, which proved to be ridiculous. However, sending him off to a nursery seems odd and unnatural to me. I don't know what they will teach him there, and I am afraid of him being indoctrinated. I don't trust these people because the JW's lied to us so how do I know that they wont lie to Owen? What if they tell him there is a god or an afterlife, or that there is not a god or an afterlife? Can't we just not tell him anything and let him have an innocent and pure little mind? At his age, if we joined the church, he would have to go to "spirit play" where they would be introduced to topics such as "the mystery that some call god" and "what happens when we die?" I just don't feel too comfortable with that. He's only three. And besides, I want to introduce him to those concepts so that I know it's being done in a way I approve of.

I feel pulled in both directions, towards a church and a community and also away from it. The task of finding the right one seems daunting, and then knowing what to do about Owen and trying to meet people and fit in, and not knowing anything about how or why they do things, it just all seems frustrating. But it may be worth it in the end. I guess there's no way to know other then just trying it out.

Garage Collapse

2008-07-06T20:35:00.000-07:00

Today when we went out to get into our car, I looked down the row of garages and saw this;

Thankfully it wasn't our garage, and our garage wasn't one of the ones attached to this unit either. I guess what happened is that at 3:00 am someone who was apparently drunk, backed into the middle of the two garages at a very high speed. This knocked the supporting beam down, and with it, the entire two double wide garage stalls on either side of it. It also pulled at the two garages next to so that they are leaning inwards towards it slightly. Those tenants have been instructed to park in the lot.

Why I'm Voting Republican

2008-06-30T21:32:00.000-07:00

We registered to vote at gay pride! Yay for us! And no, we wont really be voting republican ;-)

How to Hang in There For the Long Haul

2008-06-27T12:03:00.000-07:00

My therapist gave me a sheet with the following on it some months back, for reasons I can't recall. I came across it today, and thanks to findarticles.com I am able to easily share it. Enjoy.

Young people who are committed to peace and justice sometimes ask their elders how they have been able to continue such efforts for so long. We need to gain and retain the talents, energies, and early commitment of these youth. What guidance can be given them? Here are some suggestions:

1. Recognize that those who plant trees may not live to enjoy the fruit. Others have preceded us; we can likewise serve those yet to come. Always take the long look, not expecting quick results.

2. Everybody/everything is connected to everybody/everything. A holistic approach to life is more effective, comprehensible, and satisfying.

3. You can't do everything--but you always can do something. To focus on effectiveness. Do what you can, where you are, with what energies and talents you have, given other significant obligations.

4. Remember that the world does not depend upon you alone for needed changes. That's a burden lifted from your shoulders! Avoid bum-out: find respites from continual, unceasing pressures. Life is to be lived!

5. Redefine success in your endeavors for society change. To prevent a situation from becoming worse is success. To gain a portion of what is attempted, without retreat from one's goal, is success. To be among the first to initiate a movement for peace and justice that brings its achievements decades later is success. To keep hope alive during dark days is also success.

6. Realize that courage is rarely manifested by persons who are alone. You need to find others of like mind so you can provide support for each other, enabling all to withstand the societal pressures that will be brought to bear against nonconformity.

7. Develop a faith that can sustain you. Avoid succumbing to despair or disseminating it, for that will immobilize you and others, making personal and collective action seem useless, hopeless.

8. Adopt a nonviolent philosophy as a thoroughgoing way of live. Try to make it applicable to all your behaviors and attitudes, not just a temporary tactic. Consistency to principle is essential for integrity and persistence.

9. Find joy and satisfaction in small gains, because those are usually what you will get! Appreciate the first words from an autistic child; a smile from a depressed individual; reconciliation with an opponent.

10. Focus your challenges on issues/ problems, not attacks on persons. Avoid demonizing opponents, for hate will not resolve conflicts or reconcile the parties. People are what they are for reasons that need to be understood, though not necessarily excused.

11. Know that a majority is not needed to bring significant changes. A "critical mass," a minority of committed, informed, relentlessly persistent individuals, can accomplish wonders. One stone cannot make an arch. One drop of water cannot turn a mill wheel. But one plus one plus others make a million (or dozen) disciples!

12. Believe that at times, "They also serve who only stand and wait. " We cannot always stop mounting tragedies midstream, especially if we are "outsiders". Ultimately, the parties in contention must be willing to resolve their problems together. Then we can assist.

13. Know that there are many ways and means to bring change nonviolently, often with success. Beware of those who argue either/or alternatives, or who contend that "we have no choice." There are always choices, even if unsatisfactory ones.

14. Remember that means and ends are inextricably linked. The means used predetermine the ends attained. "There is no way to peace. Peace is the way."

15. Respond to those who question the efficacy of nonviolence. Turn the question around: "How effective have violence and war been?" There is growing literature on the successful use of nonviolent means to resolve conflict and injustice.

16. Observe that serious structural problems will not be resolved by "middle of the road" measures. Radical changes may be needed for such conditions--dealing with the root causes, so as to move the action toward more basic solutions. "Extreme" and urgent proposals (if reasoned, civil, and nonviolent) can perform important social functions.

17. Learn from the long experience of others. For instance, indigenous peoples have much to teach and demonstrate to us about the nature of sustainable societies. Our current social system is not sustainable. It exists at the expense of others' welfare, depends on a fatal commitment to unlimited "growth," and is leading to the destruction of our earth and horrendous human problems.

18. Retain a sense of humor. Events often turn out better than you feared, though less well than you hoped. Humor can be a tool in struggles, as well as an antidote to despair. For example, in the South of the 1960s on one campus there were labels: "This tree for white dogs only!" "This tree for colored dogs only!" Or "Out of Order" signs appeared on only the "white" drinking fountains, bathrooms, elevators!

19. Don't expect leadership for major, structural societal changes to come form the top. Political courage is rare and tends to follow growing grassroots sentiment. Laws tend to follow societal changes in attitudes and conditions, not anticipate them. So the grassroots work has to precede, and build pressures for, change.

20. Recognize that there really are no absolute dictators. Even they must keep their ears to the ground, are affected by world opinion and actions, eventually must modify their positions to maintain control. Their legitimacy can be undercut by many nonviolent forms of resistance and non-cooperation, from within and without.

21. Recognize that even when one has done all he or she has felt able to do, the human race many still collectively fail to change its ways sufficiently and in time to avoid its own created catastrophes. Success is not guaranteed, but faithfulness is expected. However, one can still live with integrity, work for justice and peace, and feel secure with whatever reckoning the greater cosmos may render. If you, I, and others persist, we may even find that we have helped bring about a new, more humane, sustainable society!

Don Irish

Professor Emeritus at Hamline University, St. Paul, Minnesota, is a long time peace activist. A CO in WWII, he participated in the civil rights movement in the 1960s, as well as taking part in Witness for Peace and Peace Brigades International actions in Central America. He has been arrested and jailed for his peace witness.

Copyright The Human Quest Mar/Apr 2001
Provided by ProQuest Information and Learning Company. All rights Reserved

The Convention

2008-06-26T09:04:00.000-07:00

Lately I've felt so sentimental for a Jehovah's Witness District Convention. I want to drive down to Rochester, stay in the Holiday Inn Downtown, walk the streets with "the friends" and run into people I haven't seen since last year (or two years ago in my case). I want to pack a stupid boxed lunch, and sit on the banks of the carp infested river to eat it as I sweat in my blouse and skirt. I want to walk up the cement stairs, and smell the smells, and hear the hypnotic dull sounds of the "brothers" as they reiterate the same exact things as they've said every year. I want to imagine that I'm walking the beams on the ceiling, and I want to draw over the pictures in the Watchtower to give the brothers cooler hair and sun glasses, or I want to imagine myself standing up and screaming, just to break the monotony, as I've done every year since I was a kid. I want to sing praises and get full of that feeling that I used to think was holy spirit, and I now recognize as energy from thousands of people who are all carrying each other in a desperate situation. I want to walk back to my hotel room through skyways like cattle being led back to their pens, to change into normal clothes and meet up with friends to go eat. I want to eat at Red Lobster, or that italian place, or that greek place, or that indian place, and feel the odd familiarity of eating somewhere that I only visit once a year. I want to walk around downtown afterward and go the Barnes and Noble with stars on the ceiling, and to the store in the mall that sells modern furniture and housewares. I want to be there at the convention, in the city, and with the people that I've been with every year since I was born.

But, I can't go back. If I did, perhaps a scene like the following would ensue. I wonder if that man felt any closure after this. Seems like a very dramatic way to get closure, but perhaps that is the only way to get it with the Witnesses?

Tired

2008-06-24T14:17:00.000-07:00

There is so much to do, and no motivation to do it. I'm drowning in photos; to edit, to get printed, to organize, to put into albums, and to frame. I have The Birth Survey stuff to work on, I helped start a discussion board for women with birth trauma and now I'm working with that organization as well (http://www.solaceformothers.org/), I have a claim form to work on to ask for money for being mistreated at Owen's birth which will pay past and future therapy bills, which is likely just a big waste of time since it will probably be denied. (I've gotta try though, since health insurance in this country sucks, which leaves me paying lots of money out of pocket to therapy each year. I wish I could say I was almost done, but there is really no end in sight as far as I can tell. I only get 26 visits a year, which are almost up, and now I go to paying whatever we negotiate for the rest of the year.) Then I have small things to work on, that should be fun, but just seem to be hanging over my head. Like updating James web site, and updating Owen's blog, and redesigning my blog, and creating a baby book for Owen, and reorganizing my bedroom, and the hall closet. I try to work on stuff, but it takes forever to get anything done, and I feel I like I barely scratched the surface when I'm through.

I think Owen has OCD, or something, and I don't really want to deal with it. It drives me crazy, and I just want him to be a normal kid and I hate hurling these labels on him every few months and then researching and trying to come up with strategies to deal with them. I feel done with that, like, he is who he is and this is just our life now. I just kind of want to put him into preschool and get a job lately (which would probably just pay for preschool, that's how desperate I am), but, he wont potty train. He wont even sit on the toilette at all. I know he is more than ready, but he just refuses to do it. I'm very tired of the whole thing. The potty training, his anxiety, having a child who hangs on me all day and wont go to sleep at a reasonable time at night. Having to unlock the damn sliding glass door and opening two glass doors every time I want to go out on the patio because he keeps closing them all day, or, having to talk him into wearing a short sleeve shirt and shorts every single morning, and every single night. Ugh, I'm sick of it. I hope he grows out of it. There is a chance he'll grow out of it, so I shouldn't cement his personality in OCD right now I guess.

I have bad dreams. Last night I dreamt that this guy was going to kill himself, and was climbing up the side of a building to jump off of it. Then his son, about 8 years old, saw him and climbed up after him. He grabbed his son and helped him climb up to a window, and then he opened it, and then he gently deposited his son inside. Then he looks down and sees his younger daughter, about 4, climbing up behind him. He reaches down and grabs her, and accidently knocks her off the side of the building and she falls to the ground and dies. Then, seeing what he did, he returns to his original plan and jumps to his own death. I don't always remember them, but I wake up to dreams like this all the time lately. The other day I dreamt that my brother and his wife adopted a new baby, and they kept her in a cardboard box where she looked almost dead when they opened it to show me. Maybe I dream weird things because I sleep too long in the morning, but if I don't, I am tired and cranky all day long.

It's really hot today. It's the first day this summer where I feel like we need the air conditioning on. But, we can't afford to run the air. It seems that money just slips through our fingers lately and I'm starting to try to crack down a bit again. James used to be so cheap, but lately he keeps wanting to spend money (not just for himself, but for the family), and it's really throwing me off with our budget. I need a job I guess. But that brings me back to what do I do with the kid? And if he would just potty train, then maybe I could put him in preschool...

And the Democratic party's healing process begins...

2008-06-07T12:30:00.000-07:00

Electronic Wonder

2008-05-28T07:54:00.000-07:00

Guess who installed a bran new hard drive into a macbook last night? Yep, that would be me. I have to say it was much, much, much easier than I thought it would be. It was a piece of cake really. Only the directions were somewhat incomplete, especially the part at the end were it tells you how to get the computer to recognize your drive. It said to go to the Disk Utility > Partitions and rename the hard drive. It neglected to say that I had to select "1 Partition" before I would even be given this option. So that took awhile to figure out. There was also the small glitch of the directions saying to grab the tab on the hard drive and pull it out, then put the new drive in and tuck the tab under the drive. Well, there was no tab on the new drive, just a bunch of circuits. After talking to Ryan, I realized that there was a metal top screwed onto the old drive with the tab on that. Why the directions don't address this, yet talk about there being a tab on the new drive is confusing. I decided to unscrew the metal top with tab from the old drive and screw it onto the new drive. This was not absolutely essential, but it will make replacing the drive in the future much easier if it ever comes to that. When it was all said and done, James had his macbook functioning again with a bran new 120 GB hard drive, which is much larger than his old 60 GB one. I installed the Mac OS on it and Final Cut Express HD so that James could edit a video. Everything else, such as iLife and Office, is going to have to wait. I just can't believe I installed a hard drive! Does this raise me to a new level of nerdiness?

My Amazingly Exciting Life

2008-05-22T22:02:00.000-07:00

• Today I found the coolest store ever. It is an art supply store, but get this, everything there is donated. The store is about living green and reusing, and so it is filled with overstock from other stores, or just things people have donated. Everything is stuff you could use for an art project. For example, they have sample tiles and sample fabric squares. They have wood thread spools and plaques. They have paper and scrap booking supplies and dozens of used stamps. They have old frames without glass, and mattes and foam board. I bought 7 marble tile squares that are mismatched but on the same color scheme. I meant to buy 6, but I accidentally grabbed an extra. I am going to glue felt to the bottom of them and make coasters. I got two wooden plaques, and two small angels made out of wood. I am de-winging the angels and turning them into gnomes. They are just plain wood with no features, just a head and body. Then I'm going to take the plaques and the tree blocks I cut from our christmas tree and build Owen a little gnome tree house. I'll make some little furniture too with the tree blocks. It will be kind of like this stuff here, but not quite as nice. I also bought bright yellow card stock paper and red envelopes, and two sea shells to add to Owen's collection. The best thing is, everything is super cheap. I spent like $7.00 there and I came away with a whole bag full of stuff. Their stock changes all the time too, so I will be visiting there very frequently.

• Weaning is going very well, but I didn't cut him off on his birthday like I said I would. I just couldn't do it. I don't offer at night anymore, and he skips sometimes two nights in a row. When he does nurse it's for a very short time and then he will announce that he is done. Even though I nudged him in this direction, I really feel now like it is his choice to quite. He really doesn't seem to want it that much anymore. I feel better about it now because of this. I feel like if he asks, fine, but if not then we'll skip it, and for the most part we've been skipping it. I can't see this lasting more an another week or two, but I'm glad I gave him this extra time to adjust. He's had a lot of changes lately, and he is still a big ol' crabby pants from having his birthday party. He is just not the kind of kid that likes all those people, and all that attention on him.

• Owen has been sleeping in his own room. We started this about a week before his birthday and he is doing great with it. I am thrilled with this! I love that we have our room back, but he still comes in and snuggles with me in the morning, sometimes very bright and early.

• We found the coolest place to go for walks right near out house. We walk to the path, and then we walk on a path for 15 minutes, then turn around and go home which gives us a full half hour work out. This path goes into this nature park with a lake and a pond and tons of trees and birds. It is weird when you are in there to even think that you are still in the city, it's like your in the middle of the country when you go walking in there. We've been trying to exercise every day, and we don't, but we're coming close. I really need to start doing yoga too.

Breastfeeding Hero!

2008-05-22T10:54:00.001-07:00

From China's earthquake disaster comes a breastfeeding hero!

"you just have to move on"

2008-05-09T08:23:00.000-07:00

We started at our new Chiropractor, which was recommended by the old one. He focuses on health and wellness, and not physical therapy like the old one did. We had to fill out tons of papers about our health, and what stresses us out in our life and if we are seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist. I filled out the papers, noting that I've been seeing a psychologist for 2 and half years, and I have PTSD after childbirth.

Then I go back into a room, and the receptionist tells me to lay down on a table and relax for a bit. Then she comes back and hooks wires up to my hands and feet and takes some readings on some machine. For most people, this isn't a big deal, but for me, I tend to panic a bit when I have to lay on a table in a "doctor's office" and weird things with wires are being attached to me. Then the chiropractor comes in and talks to me about what I filled out in his tons of paperwork. He asks me about the birth, which sucks to try to explain. When you put something like 'PTSD after childbirth', people tend to gear up for the most horrific story of birth they have ever heard, and to the general public, horrific equals physical trauma, not emotional trauma or abuse. So a birth lacking a large amount of physical trauma leaves them scratching their heads. Then he asks me how I have been lately since going off the medication. I explained that I always have a hard time right before Owen's birthday (the anniversary effect), but otherwise, things are going okay. He then says, "yeah, and you know, I can understand why your mad, I would be mad too, (referring to trying to have a natural birth and not being allowed use of the birthing suite or tub) but, you know, sometimes you just have to let this stuff go, and eventually you might just want to decide to let it go." Then he proceeded to do more odd tests, one involving making me change into a gown and running a machine up my spine. He also did kinesiology, which I'm not sure I really think works. Then he finally adjusted me after an hour of this other stuff.

I don't know what to say when people say stuff like that. I was just thinking, "oh really, you mean I can just decide to move on and this will all be better? Well why didn't my therapist just tell me that at my first appointment and save me all this time and money and suffering? Why haven't the other women I've met who suffer from birth trauma just tell me this little secret, that I can just decide to 'move on'? And on what planet does a heavy duty diagnosis of PTSD mean that I am just 'mad' about what happen? Oh, and I have a 'right to be mad' too. Wow, thanks. You mean all this trauma and depression and crap that I've dealt with for almost three years is just me being 'mad'? And if I just tap my ruby slippers together three times, then I'll discover I always had the power inside myself the whole time to just 'let it go'?" You know, if your not a mental health professional, then why would you decide to give me mental health advice? And, if I was a man who just got back from a war who told you I had PTSD, would you look me in the eye and tell me that I just need to decide to let it go and move on? No, you wouldn't.

I am starting to think that I wont ever tell anyone again that I have, or had, PTSD or PPD. What is the point? I should have never put it on those papers, and I should have just lied and said I wasn't in therapy. It doesn't cause them to treat me with any more compassion or respect, it doesn't make them explain what medical procedures they are doing and why, and ask me if it's okay. They don't even put two and two together, that if I have PTSD from a traumatic medical situation, that leading me into a room and putting me up on a table and attaching wires to me with no explanation isn't exactly going to help the situation. I have a problem in these situations, I just panic. And by panic, I mean freeze and become hyper alert, but lose the ability to say 'no' or ask any questions about what is happening. It didn't used to be this way, but I lost the battle against the medical community at Owen's birth, and now every time I walk into a situation that is anything like it I just go along and do whatever they want me to do. It's actually easier to panic and in some cases disassociate, then to advocate for my rights as a patient.

Atheism or Agnosticism?

2008-05-07T08:43:00.000-07:00

I have the hardest time understanding the difference between atheism and agnosticism. The way atheism was explained to me was that you don't see any proof that god exists, and, whether he does or does not it doesn't matter to you or how you live your life. This is a definition that I can really get behind. However, then there is agnosticism, which was explained to me as believing that it is impossible to ever know whether god exists or not, and just living your life regardless of whether there is a god. Now, this is a definition I wholeheartedly agree with as well. The confusing thing is that these definitions seem like the same exact thing. Furthermore, I definitely don't believe in the god of the bible, or of any holy book out there, and therefore the only god I think could possibly exist is not one that would require me to change my life at all if he suddenly made him/herself known. Therefore saying that "I live my life as if god doesn't exist" doesn't exactly say anything.

However, these are not the definitions that popular culture promotes. People think that atheists think they know beyond any shadow of a doubt that god does not exist and that they vocally promote this idea. They think agnostics don't know what the hell they believe in and dismiss them with humor and ridicule. I don't want to be perceived as someone who is close minded to the possibilities of the universe, and I also don't want to be perceived as an idiot who doesn't know if I'm coming or going. I have a problem with the popular definitions of these words, and frankly, I don't see much consensus on the what the meanings of these words are even within groups of atheists and agnostics.

I don't know where I fit in, or if I fit in, to one of these groups. James is editing for an atheist magazine in our area now, and I am trying to read The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins. When I read the magazine I am struck by the boldness and pushiness of the writers. They seem to want everyone in the world to be a die hard atheist, and they constantly write about how we atheists need to accomplish the task of making this happen. One recent article even talked about how we must convince people that there is no afterlife, and when we are successful you will see people tearing up as they shed their life long beliefs before your eyes. When I read this I thought that this sounded cruel and pointless. Why is it so wrong to believe in an afterlife to the point that we must go out and convince people otherwise? I am not even sure if there is an afterlife or not, so why would I try convincing others as if I somehow know exactly what happens after we die? I don't presume to be this 'all knowing'. I can't imagine telling someone like my Catholic Grandma that there really is no afterlife or god, despite what she may have thought her whole life, and then watch her weep.

The Richard Dawkins book is no different. I have only read a small amount of it, but so far he has just talked on and on about why we need to be very outspoken atheists, and why people like Albert Einstein and Stephen Hawking were wrong in the way they spoke about god and the universe because they left a small window open for people to interpret a belief in god by them. I wonder why Dawkins thinks his way of being an atheist is the correct way, and two other extremely intelligent individuals had it all wrong. I am sure they had good reason for how they spoke about god and the universe, and perhaps they simply didn't have some agenda to change the world over to their way of thinking, and therefore didn't care if they were understood as being atheists or not. Dawkins also gleefully quotes people on their thoughts of how wishy washy agnostics are and how they don't know what they believe, and the implication seems to be that Dawkins feels the same about agnostics.

I asked James why there weren't any articles in the atheist magazine he is editing for about spirituality, buddhism, meditation, energy work, yoga, or rituals. He told me that atheism means that the person has no belief in the supernatural, and even though I pointed out that the things I mentioned I did not equate with the supernatural, he pointed out that the things I spoke of where not supported by scientific fact. I realized then that calling myself an atheist will simply pigeon hole me into another stringent set of beliefs. For the first time in my life I am free to explore all of these different avenues, but apparently, I wouldn't really be an atheist if I did. According to James, I have to believe in things that are completely grounded in science and are backed up by ample scientific evidence to be considered an atheist. I can't be a person who is simply searching and open to the myriad of possibilities. I have to look at everything in the world that is subjective and without explanation as "supernatural" and eschew it as if it is no different than a belief in fairy's and gnomes. I don't think that James is any expert on atheism, and he later told me that perhaps he misspoke on the issue, and in reality an atheist can embrace these things and still be an atheist. However, when I read the magazine and the book I mentioned, I don't get that feeling. I really get the vibe that his first statement was truer of atheism.

For these reasons, I have realized that atheism and I don't always get along. Furthermore, I am not looking for another belief system that I am required to try to persuade others to believe in. I spent too much of my life preaching about god, and I have no intention to preach about the absence of god. I also don't feel that atheism is a path that should be "preached". Aside from mind controlling cults, I don't see how the belief in god, or an afterlife, or reiki, or yoga or even fairies and gnomes harm anybody, and in some cases, these things are very helpful to people.

This brings me to the issue of not knowing how to classify myself. As a Witness I felt like I didn't fit in to the general population. Being an atheist, in some ways, means the same thing. Most people I encounter in life are not atheists, and saying that I am one, I imagine, will bring the same uncomfortable silence that saying that I was a Witness brought. When I sit at the park reading The God Delusion and watching the other mothers interact, I have the sad feeling that I am once again setting myself apart from the popular culture by what I believe in, or rather, by what I don't believe in. I don't want to label myself and have people make assumptions about me based on their limited understanding of that label. There isn't a category that I neatly fit into anymore, and I don't know if I will ever feel comfortable using these terms to describe myself. Of course, if you don't use the terms, and try conform to what they mean to people, then you don't always fit into the groups that embrace them. Everyone wants to fit in somewhere, and get to know like minded people, and so this is the hardest part about not knowing how to classify myself.

James says that they say that trying to unite atheists is like trying to heard cats because atheists are such free thinkers that they reject labels and conformity. Perhaps I am simply a freethinker rejecting yet another label, or perhaps I will never embrace atheism the way that James seems to be doing. I have tossed around these two terms since leaving the Witnesses in 2006, and I am no closer to embracing either one then I was then. I know people who resist using labels of any kind and I am beginning to understand the wisdom of that.

Our Day in Pictures

2008-04-30T22:22:00.000-07:00

Click on it to see it in full screen and to see the captions;

Weaning

2008-04-28T21:11:00.000-07:00

A few months ago I was nursing Owen during the day, at night, and all morning from his first waking at about 3:00 - 5:00 am on until we got out of bed. It was making me feel emotionally and physically drained and I realized that not doing it would be much better for us both. After all, a two and half year old needs his sleep and so does his mother. He also needs his mother to not be burned out before she even gets out of bed in the morning.

Once I made the decision to wean, the first nursings to leave were the daytime nursings as these were totally unnecessary and I was just allowing them because it was easier than redirecting. He got used to this quick with a minimum of tears, and I kept us busy and avoided sitting in his nursing spot in order to keep his mind off of it. The next to go was the early morning nursings. I eliminated those, after a few weeks, with a few tears shed. I still allowed morning nursing, but I wouldn't do it until it was light outside, and I kept it to only once. I got rid of the 3:00 - 5:00 am variety that kept us both from sinking into a deep sleep.

So, we were down to one morning and one night nursing. I even had Owen in his own bed for most of the night! Then we moved. For the first two weeks he was in bed with us again and I gave into a few more morning nursings than I should have. Suddenly, I realized how far we had slipped back and I very quickly put him back into his own bed at night, which was not very appreciated by him. Before he would sleep in his own bed he demanded a new pink bed. So, we bought him a new pink fitted sheet for over his mattress and I removed the side rail on his bed to change it up a bit. He fell for this and with a little protesting took to sleeping in his own bed again. It is in our bedroom right next to our bed, but he spends most of the night in it.

I then got more strict with those morning nursings. I decided to par it back down to one nursing, and there were some tears, but it was okay. He would sometimes crawl into bed with us and then cry for "boobops", and we would offer water, and he would drink and then cry, and we would offer hugs, and he would say no and cry for "boobops", and finally I would say, "you know what, if your just going to cry in Mama's bed then why don't you go back in Owen's bed". Somehow that felt kind of mean, but it also worked, and at 5:00 am you just do what works so you can go back to sleep. The crying was always just that protesting kind of annoying crying where he is trying to get his way, not the painful or heartbroken variety. We started holding hands a lot too. I had read that some kind of physical skin to skin contact is really comforting, so I always offered him my hand and he usually would take it. He would often squish it up against his face and fall fast asleep that way. Sometimes we would just fall right back to sleep holding hands with no tears at all. He would just crawl into bed and say, "hold Owen's hand" and then the next thing I new he was sleeping again.

One day recently I was observing how big he had grown, and how old he was getting and I started to realize he was now ready for the next step with some things. I thought about weaning and how when I was pregnant I had never intended to nurse past age two, because that would just be weird. Then once my child was born I decided he could nurse until he weaned himself, as long as he weaned himself before age three. I no longer thought it would be weird to nurse a three year old, but, I just felt that age three was the right time. It is the right time for weaning, for potty training, for moving into his own room, for accepting a sibling. Age three to me is the age that babies turns into children, an age of reasoning and understanding, an age where the world becomes bigger than yourself and you begin to learn empathy. Age three was also the age that I had read that most kids wean themselves. Age three, to me, was the perfect age to stop nursing, and Owen will be three on May 14th.

I have since read that most kids wont wean themselves at age three. They will go to four, five, or six if given the opportunity. I know that in the natural family living community child led weaning is the ultimate ideal with nursing. However, I personally don't think it is the most "natural" way of weaning. If you look at nature, animals don't just let their young nurse until they get sick of it. You can see mama cats who give their kittens a little sip, then walk away, then allow another sip, then cut them off again. It is a gradual process, and one that is not done until the kittens are between 6 and 8 weeks old, but it is done. Kittens are weaned by their mothers, not by themselves. I'm not sure if any species allows their young to wean in it's own time, and therefore, mother led weaning, in my opinion, is totally natural. Not that I am trying to live up some ideal of what natural is, but, we do believe in The Continuum Concept and I try to be respectful of what our species evolutionary expectations are. For example, six month olds don't expect to be weaned, so this is not natural. This is why you have to wean them to a bottle as a substitute for the breast. A child who needs a bottle is a child who was too young to be weaned in my opinion.

Even though I am confident in my choice to wean him and I believe it is for the best and that we are both ready for this, it is still sad for us both. There is little to no milk left and it hurts now to nurse him. He gets no milk, so he barely nurses at all, but he gets sad if I hold him close and don't nurse him. He's asked me to get the milk out of my "boobops" with a machine, and some nights he wants a glass of milk too before he goes to bed. He doesn't always ask for boobops, but I keep offering because it makes me sad to think the last time will have passed without me taking note of it and without recognizing that this was the last time I will ever nurse my little baby boy. Tonight, I nursed him, and then I laid him down in my arms and sang him two songs as he requested. His eyes started to tear up and his lips started to pout and he started to sniffle a bit. I asked him what was wrong and he said, "nufin". I tried getting him to tell me what was the matter, but he gets really embarrassed by emotions and it was a lost cause. I think it was because I had pointed out that there was no milk left during our nursing session, and I had cut it short because it hurt. I had reminded him that we would soon be stopping, and he asked me to get the milk out with a machine. Then I put him into the nursing position by laying him across my arm to sing him a song and I think it made him sad that he wasn't nursing right then and that our nursing days would soon be completely over. I felt so sad for him. He's such a sweet little guy and he's really been through a tough couple years with me since being born. I really wanted to give him an extra year of nursing to make up for that, but now I feel guilty, like I should be giving him even more. I feel sad knowing that it's already too late to turn back, and also, that I don't really want to. I want to wean him, even though it's sad for me and sad for him, it also feels like it's time, and I feel we're both ready for this. We've done it very gradually and I really don't think it will be that hard on him. It is going to be a year of milestones for him and this will be the first one.

If we haven't done it sooner, I plan for his last day of nursing to be the day before his birthday. The day of his birthday will be a special day with lots of fun and excitement and he is getting one of his gifts that day too. James will have to put him to bed that night, and I will have to avoid holding him in the nursing position for quite awhile after that. I am not sure if we will make it until then though. I feel like I shouldn't offer anymore, and his not asking sometimes is probably his way of avoiding the disappointment that there is no milk left. Even when he nurses, he spends most of the short time breaking away to talk to me, and he seems very disinterested in what he is doing. I think he may be weaning before his birthday, and that makes me a bit sad too for some reason. It's all so complicated. I didn't realize there would be so many emotions involved in the whole process.

Aliens: a Mathmatical Improbability

2008-04-21T07:19:00.000-07:00

I hate to break it to you, but there are probably no aliens, and, we only have about 1 billion years left to live on earth before the sun toasts it beyond recognition.

Just Some Unrelated Stuff

2008-04-15T09:09:00.000-07:00

• Recently I created an account on MySpace and LiveJournal, just so I could comment on peoples blogs who use that site. Then I joined Twitter because James told me to. I don't understand the point of it, but, it seems to be the thing to do, so look to the side bar on the left under my profile and you'll see my twitter updates. Your supposed to answer the question "what are you doing?" so that is why there are just vague snippets of uninteresting things.

• I wish that Google, or someone, would create a utility that you go to and fill out user info, upload an avatar, and fill out all the info about your favorites, etc. and then you could just plug this into everything you do. I mean you could create one profile, instead of one on each discussion board or blog site or whatever that you go to and you could either plug it into your new accounts with these things so you don't have to fill out the same kinds of things over and over again, or you could just use it to make comments with on any site so you aren't annonymous. You could even upload a variety of avatars so you wouldn't have to use the same one everywhere, and you could have a list of all the sites you belong to if you wanted to show them, it would be like your Yellow Pages entry on the world wide web. Of course, you'd have to get all the sites to agree to use it, but, it would catch on. I gave this idea to Google a few months ago, but I never heard back from them, so I probably wont. I think a big company like Google would have to create it, because if it caught on, it would just be huge, and they would have more credibility to get other sites to plug into it, otherwise I'd try to create it myself.

• Suddenly our internet thinks we live in Germany. I thought it was my new version of Firefox that was doing this, but Safari does it too, and even Safari on James computer. We get free wireless internet at our apartment, so we have nothing to do with the setup. I wish I knew how to fix it, it is so weird that there are German words across the top of google, and yahoo, and even blogger's toolbar.

• So, we love our new apartment. Apartment living is very underated. We have less house to clean, no yard to keep up, no garage to keep tidy, and no yucky damp basement to have to go into. The floor plan is the perfect size for us, and everything is all on the same floor, so it's very efficient. Thanks to Ikea, we are organizing our mountains of stuff and things are really starting to shape up around here. And the area is just great. We love it here. We pretty much want to live here for the rest of our lives. We look at the houses all the time and dream about buying one, but, in reality we'll probably never be able to afford one as they are pretty spendy around here. We may try for a condo or a townhome, which are actually brick row houses around here. But, that wont be for quite sometime, and I'm really fine with that. I feel very contented here, much more contented then I've felt in probably any dwelling I've ever lived in.

• We got back $2500.00 from taxes, and we put it right into our credit card debt. We are going to put our stimulus check into debt as well. So far I've gotten 2 cards totally payed off, but one of them has our lowest interest rate so we now use it to pay for online purchases or anything large. It will help our credit to make periodic charges like this and then pay them off completely. So that card retains a small balance. The other card remains empty, and then we have the two cards with higher balances on them. However, the tax money made a significant dent into one of them, and the stimulus check will have it almost paid off. I am throwing all of our extra money in the one that we put the taxes into and just paying the minimum on the other. Once I get the first one payed off, then I'll throw all the extra money into the other one. I don't know how long this will take, but the payments are much more manageable now that we have paid a significant portion of one of them, and totally paid off the other two. It sucks, because we were charging groceries and gas and clothes because we couldn't make ends meet, and that just added up so much and now we have all this debt. It's not like we have anything to show for what we owe on these cards. Big Lake was such a Big Mistake on so many levels. I just can't believe we thought we could make that work. It makes me feel like we are really pretty dumb.

• I have such a huge undertaking with our photos. First, when I bought the digital camera, I started taking probably 5 times the amount of pictures, and stopped getting them printed out. So, I have about two years of photos that haven't been printed out. My system is; I upload them to iphoto, fix anything that needs fixing in photoshop but save the file to iphoto, then burn them to DVD, and then transfer them to our external hard drive. Then from the external drive, I am going to upload them onto Proex's site so that I can slowly start getting them printed out. I had a huge pack of old photo CD's that needed to be put onto the hard drive, which I am almost done with. I categorize them by year and month and then dump all photos into it's corresponding months folder. Each photo has the date it was taken embedded into it, which can be seen in iphoto if imported. For Owen's first year, I had an analog camera, so I had scanned in those photos, and some I had the photo developer scan in. Ritz did a very crappy job at scanning so I have to rescan those. I need to start putting them into albums, and getting some printed out to hang on the walls, and creating Owen's baby book. All this represents a whole lot of time and money, and it is a huge undertaking. But in the end it will be very worth it. And, once I have all the photos uploaded, I need to completely revamp our families websites and blogs. I'd like to create month by month photo pages instead of photo pages by event for Owen's site, and I need to update this blog's design and links really bad. I've always wanted to learn how to create a blogger template so I can create something really unique. It is nice to have a digital camera, but it really complicates things in a lot of ways.

Stumble Upon

2008-04-09T13:07:00.000-07:00

The latest greatest thing in internet use, is Stumble Upon! Stumble Upon is awesome. I used to use Safari, but recently I decided to give Firefox 3 Beta 5 a try. The reason is that one day Ryan showed me that he was using it, and he seemed very excited about this fact for some reason. Also, with the work that I've been doing on The Birth Survey, I've been having to toggle back and forth between Safari and Firefox because as it turns out, many programs don't work on Safari. So I decided to give this new Firefox a shot. I totally love this new Firefox! And, the very best thing about it is Stumble Upon.

The way Stumble Upon works is that you fill out a list of your interests, and based on this list it finds web sites you would like. You then click on the Stumble Upon button every time you feel bored, and a whole bunch of really cool sites will pop up that you are totally interested in. Here is one that popped up for me, and here is another. Several others have come up that I am very interested in, but don't have the time to really dig into. It has a bunch of other features that I haven't bothered to care about, I just like pushing the Stumble Upon button over and over again.

Heard About Hulu?

2008-04-03T22:42:00.000-07:00

Hulu

Now you can watch old episodes of TV shows (and a few movies) in good quality, for free, right on your computer. They have things like; The Addams Family, Alfred Hitchcock Presents, Battlestar Galactica (classic and new), Firefly, and St. Elsewhere. So basically, a wide mix of shows. They have some newer shows too, like The Office and 30 Rock. Some shows just have clips, which you can share on your blogs.

Enjoy!

Verbal Apraxia and Fish Oil

2008-03-30T10:40:00.001-07:00

According to Google Analytics, the most frequent phrases that bring people to this blog all include the word "Apraxia" in them. Therefore, I decided to create a webpage on our family website about Owen's experience with Verbal Apraxia. It includes a video that shows off his current language abilities, as well as links to videos that show how he used to talk before we introduced the fish oil supplement.

Here is our Verbal Apraxia page.

It's A Great Day For The Irish

2008-03-17T12:25:00.000-07:00

Penis Enlargement

2008-03-13T13:11:00.000-07:00

I get so many "penis enlargement" adds in my email junk folder it's ridiculous. Why are so many men unsatisfied with the length of their penis? Oh yeah, maybe because most of the American ones had half of it chopped off as newborns. There is a huge difference between intact versus circumcised children, the intact ones looking twice as large or larger. Some of the circumcised ones actually have a buried, concealed, or hidden penis which looks like a tiny button in appearance, which I saw plenty of in my babysitting days. It is amazing to me how different, but in a good way, that my intact boy looks compared to those boys that I saw back then. It was also nice to not get sprayed with pee every time I changed his diaper :-) I have no idea how different intact versus circumcised adults look from each other, but I have read that intact adults do have more length, though not quite as much as an intact child appears to have.

Every single mammal has a prepuce, why does our species feel the need to cut it off? Oh yeah, god. Whatever, if god exists and he "created" a prepuce, then he obviously wanted it there to serve a function. Also, biblical circumcision was not the amputation that it has become today, it was simply the removal of any overhang, not the removal of the entire foreskin! People would have died back then if they had undergone the surgery that circumcision is today.

Intact men are more sexually satisfied and so are their partners. If Americans would simply leave their boys intact, then our men would not be trying to enlarge their penes. Men should not put their energies into "enlarging" their penes, they should instead consider foreskin restoration, though it wont restore everything they've lost, it will restore enough to increase sexual satisfaction (something some men obviously must be lacking if they are focusing so much energy on enlarging their penis that I get a new email about it 5 times a day!).

If you really want to sexually mutilate your child's genitals, then you must 1) watch a video of the procedure before you make your decision, and 2) accompany your infant to the procedure and stay with him throughout it and 3) insist on anaglesia as some doctors are still doing circumcisions without any pain medicine at all (it used to be a common belief that newborns did not feel any pain). If you get past the first two requirements, then you must have some extremely strong reasons for circumcising. So much so that you would forgo the natural instinct to protect your child from harm.

All of this widespread penis enlargement talk, and sexual disfunction in men, and sexual dissatisfaction in heterosexual women, is simply a product of circumcision. Taking a functional reproductive organ and amputating a very important part of it could potentially leave that organ with a loss of function. What other body part do we do this to? The penis has evolved over hundreds of thousands of years to function in the way that it does, and humans are just dumb enough to cut a piece off of it and call it better. Men need to stop subjecting their sons to this type of genital mutilation, and then I wont get so many of these annoying emails every single freaking day.

*Note: I don't mean to offend people who chose to circumcise their child without being fully informed of the risks of the procedure, and that there is no medical benefit to the procedure. In the last few years, the AAP has stated that they do not encourage routine circumcision as there are no compelling potential medical benefits. Before this statement was issued, it was widely believed and told to parents by pediatricians, family practice doctors, and OB-GYN's that circumcision had medical benefits and they would strongly encourage the procedure. Sadly, many doctors still do encourage the procedure. Many men are so deeply traumatized by the procedure that they can't even discuss it or admit that there is no benefit, thus inflicting the same trauma on their own sons. If you've already circumcised your son, tell him that you are sorry, and it was the wrong thing do, and you hope that he doesn't circumcise any children that he may have.

Adventures in Moving Part I: The Cat In the Hat Comes Back

2008-03-10T23:51:00.000-07:00

On March 1st, we had roughly an hour to sign our lease, empty our car full of a fraction of our possessions, and be on our way to meet family at Chuck-E-Cheese for lunch. We met our new apartment manager, signed the lease, gave her the check for the first months rent, and received our keys to the building, the apartment, and our mail box. We said our goodbyes to the manager, and rushed to our car to start toting boxes up the stairs to our new third floor apartment. We made one trip without incident. On the second trip James yelled at me to remove the box he had stacked on top of the one he was holding, as it was seemingly too heavy. I had to first set down my box, but I wasn't fast enough for his liking, so he just bent down and somehow got rid of the top box, and in the process may have shifted the box he was carrying a bit. As we headed up the stairs James set the heavy box down on the top of the first flight of stairs. When he picked it up, he said, "what is coming out of this box?" I looked to see a thick white substance leaking from the corner of the box. I said, "I don't know, what is it? We have to clean it up!" James said, "I just have to get it to the apartment", and I responded as he picked the box up and started running it up the stairs, "try not to let it spill!"

Once in the apartment, he set the box on the kitchen counter and discovered what the thick white substance was. It was paint. We had put 6 cans of paint tightly in a box, and we have no idea how one of them managed to open up and spill it's contents all over our new apartment building. James, who absolutely hates moving, began to become a nervous bundle of energy. He walked to and fro, walking out of the kitchen several times and back in, all the while spreading the paint more and more. It would have been funny to watch, if it wasn't such a huge hassle. James began to spread paint to everything he stepped on and everything he touched. The paint was on his clothes, on his feet, on his hands, and in his hair. The more he attempted to rid himself of the paint the more it seemed to spread. It was just like in "The Cat In the Hat Comes Back" when the Cat takes a bath and creates a pink ring around the tub, which he then spreads to various places around the house and then outside in attempts to clean it up.

Since I knew that James would not be pulling "Thing One" and "Thing Two", or "Things A-Z" out of his hat to take away the mess, I decided to take control of the situation. I yelled at James to stop moving and forbid him to leave his spot in the kitchen. I then started cleaning paint out of the apartment carpet, and after that moved outside into the hallway and started on those stains. The paint was still wet and came out easily, but I had no bucket or container of any kind, so I had to keep walking all the way back into the apartment to rinse out the rag I was using. All the while I had to yell at James to stay put and stop moving. At one point he yelled back, "I can't stay still, I have paint all over me!" To which I yelled back, "that is why you have to stay still!" I eventually made my way into the kitchen and cleaned from the outer perimeter of paint inward towards James and the source of the mess, which by then James had contained to a different box. We cleaned up the best we could under the circumstances, and James ruined a shirt while using it to stop paint from spilling out of the saturated box as he carried to the garbage. We made it to Chuck-E-Cheese only 20 minutes late. The experience was quite surreal. One minute the manager of the building is telling us all the rules, the next we are spilling paint all over her nicely cleaned hallways.

Later that night we had dinner with friends, and when we explained to Owen that we were going back to the old house and not to the new one, Owen said, "At the new house, Daddy said 'FUCK! I have paint on my hands' and Mama said 'Don't be mad'"

Adventures in Moving Part II: Moving On

2008-03-10T23:50:00.000-07:00

After a busy week of Owen and I commuting back and forth and cleaning and painting the bedrooms of the new apartment, moving day finally came. Or moving days I should say. On Friday March 7th, we went to closing for our old house. We met the old and crabby new owners and signed hundreds of papers. James was feeling pretty sick, so he wasn't Mister Cheerful either. We were cut two checks for around $800.00 each, one from the bank as incentive not to trash the place, and one from the new owners to pay for our very expensive energy efficient washer and dryer. Ikea, here we come!

We rented a truck, from a town very close to the one we lived in, from 4:00 on Friday to 4:00 on Saturday. We packed, and then James went to pick up the truck. When James got back, my sister had already showed up to help out. James couldn't back the truck up because he couldn't see behind him, so I had to stand there on my cell phone and tell him where to go. Then he gets out and starts pulling the ramp out. There were things in his path that he just rammed into not caring if they broke or not, which is how he gets when we move. Too bad for my stuff :( He pulled the ramp so hard it came right out of the of the truck and he fell over and it fell on top of him. He just laid their exhausted wondering how he was going to fill up the truck, drive it an hour away, unload it, and then drive it an hour back. I ordered him to go in and rest, and I got Berta to help me put the ramp back on the truck. We then started loading it with boxes, and James soon perked up and helped as well. We got the truck loaded quickly and easily as there were several boxes and small pieces of furniture right in our entry way.

When Berta said she may not be able to help unload because Lyric was getting crabby and tired, we came to the realization that we needed more help. Why we didn't realize this sooner I don't know. I think if James had been feeling better me and him could have done it ourselves no problem, but him having a flu like illness kind of complicated matters. James called his Mom, who didn't answer. I called my parents and my Dad answered. I told him the situation and asked for help moving, but he didn't want to as he was already relaxing in his Lazy-Boy. I hung up with him and Berta said she would come and hopefully Lyric would be okay. Then my Mom called back and said that they would come help too, which was a big relief.

We drove to the city, and I watched James drive up and over all the curbs, swerve all over the road, and then call me before he changed lanes as he couldn't see. This wasn't his fault, he was very sick and should have been in bed, but their was no choice, we had to have the truck back by 4:00 the next day, and we knew there would be two loads, so we struggled on. We all arrived and met at the new house and my Dad and James unloaded the truck, then my Mom and Berta wheeled the boxes from the elevator to the apartment using a four wheeler thingy and a wagon. One of them would pull either the wagon or four wheeler thing to me at the apartment door where I would unload it and then send Owen (with Lyric following along) back with the wagon or four wheeler thingy, reminding him not to hit the walls as he ran it back. He got the knack of it right away and the kids were actually a help to us for part of the time. So we managed to unload efficiently, we ordered a pizza, ate, and called it a night. Well, we called it a night there, but we still had an hour drive back home and more adventure ahead...

After we got home I went to work with finishing up packing. James went to plug the truck in because they told him it wouldn't start in the morning unless he did. Did I mention it was really cold out? And James had used my gloves to dig up Owen's sandbox the day before. My 100% alpaca wool gloves that can't be washed in the machine were now soaking wet and full of sand. Me and Berta actually had socks on our hands for part of the time. And James had left his gloves at the apartment after the paint adventure, so he had none either. And it was down near zero, and really frigid. So, James comes in slamming doors on the way and yelling at me that I needed to come out there and look for the plug. Of course I have no idea where plugs are on trucks, or on cars for that matter, and I wasn't the one who picked up the truck and was shown where the plug was, but I guess he thought I might be able to find it. I looked and it was nowhere near the area he indicated it would be in. I asked him if the guy had shown him where the plug was, and he said "yeah, I saw it, I was holding it my hand!" I said, "well where did you see that it came from?" To which he said, "I don't know, I was looking at the plug, and I saw it was on a black wire, and then the guy dropped it, and it was over on this side of the truck that it happened." "But, where did the wire ORIGINATE from?" He didn't know. He didn't think to look at where it originated from. His mind sometimes doesn't work in obvious patterns, and then when we add being nervous to drive a huge truck and being sick to that mix, well, it was pretty much hopeless. We searched out there in the frigid cold with our gloveless hands and we found nothing. I was sure we were in the wrong spot entirely, but James insisted that this is where he was when the guy showed him. James ultimately decided to stop looking for it and to instead wake up at 1:00 am, 3:00 am, 5:00 am, and 7:00 am to go out and start the truck. So, while I stayed up until about 1:30 am packing, James woke himself every two hours to start the truck and let it run for a bit.

The next day went much smoother. The new owners wanted us out by 2:00 pm, and even drove by the house at around 10:00 am to see if we were still there. We bought a dozen doughnuts and some OJ and had three guys come over at 9:00 am to help us. James' Mom also showed up to pick up Owen. Poor Owen had awoken in the morning just burning up. I have no idea how high his tempt was as I had packed away the thermometer, but I know it was high. I had packed away the Tylenol as well, so I picked some up when I got the doughnuts. Of course, all they had there was Tylenol mixed with cold medicine, which you aren't supposed to give a kid under 6 anymore, but I bought it anyway because I was afraid his fever was too high and he had to be away from us all day, and he's never reacted to cold medicine in the past. So poor little Owen slept on the love seat as people disassembled his world around him. My Mother-in-law helped me do some last minute stuff, including taking our bed apart, and then when Owen woke up I sent them off with "Tylenol Cold Plus", his blanket, and wearing his jammies still.

We loaded up by 11:00 am, and I stayed back to vacuum, sweep, and mop the very soiled floor. It was odd leaving a totally empty house all by myself for the last time. I felt like I should be sentimental or something, but I was mostly happy to be leaving and be done with the biggest mistake we ever made. One of the guys left after he loaded, which was totally fine, because we had Ryan and Esther meeting us at the apartment to help out. It all ran smoothly, except when I ordered a pizza afterward, they said it would take an hour! And James had to return the truck so he left with Ryan, and our friend David had to get back to his family, so I guess I should have ordered the pizza earlier. I was just so focused on moving in, and I was up in the apartment and was never really sure where they were in the unloading process. Anyway, after an hour passed, I called to ask where the pizza was. They informed me that they had ran out of yeast and had not even started it cooking yet. I told them to forget it, and with that the last (likely disappointed) helper left and it was just Esther and I.

The two of us abandoned the disaster that was our apartment and went to eat at a very nice little cafe with very good food. Did I mention, there are many great places to eat and to shop right in our area? This was one of those great little places.

After that, we came back to the apartment, met up with the guys, and then called James' Mom to get Owen back. Owen was very sick that day, and the next, but was much better on Monday. Being delirious with a fever, and in a new apartment, was probably pretty unsettling for him. At one point I took off his jeans to put on his pajama pants, but he wouldn't let me put them on so I just covered him with a blanket. Suddenly he left the room and started crying and told James he needed Mama because he didn't have any pants on. He had just left the room that I was in. It was like he suddenly got confused and thought, "Where am I? Where's Mama? And where are my PANTS!?!?!" Then he asked us to go back to the old house and we explained that we would be staying here now. He didn't like that too much until we told him that the kitties where here too, and we then let them out of the closet that they had spent the day in. This seemed to delight Owen and he hasn't mentioned going back to the old house since.

Adventures in Moving Part III: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

2008-03-10T23:48:00.000-07:00

So, now that we are getting settled in, here is what I think of the new place; I like the bran new kitchen cabinets. I like the largeness, the floorplan, and the location of this place. We are so close to everyone, even closer than we thought we would be. We live in a great area with cute little shops, restaurants, bars, and parks. There is great architecture all around, and we have already decided that if we ever move to a house that we own again, it will be in this area.

I don't like the freeway right out my back door, but I can deal with that. I don't like that the walls are paper thin and I can hear people talking, even making out words they are saying. I've heard people laughing, fighting, coughing and burping, so clear, as if they are in the next room of my own apartment. I can hear their TV and even make out what show they are watching. I can hear them flushing their toilet! Our old apartment was way more sound proof than this and this is going to take some getting used too. And why does our bedroom wall always share with neighbors? Why don't they design these things to have internal bedrooms? Also, the obvious TV wall, doesn't have a cable outlet. It is so obvious that it is the TV wall that it even has an old antenna hookup. The cable outlet is instead next to the balcony door, because, you know, setting your TV up in front of a sliding glass door is just a great plan. We're thinking of just going with the antenna, if it works, that would save us a bundle on cable.

And the ugly: I don't like the old outlets and outlet covers. They are dirty and gross and the plugs wont stay pugged in. We are actually thinking of changing them ourselves. I don't like the closet doors, as they are faux wood, and faux wood is a real pet peeve of mine. It's not like real wood is that hard to come by that we have to make things that are not wood look like wood. I hate the old bathroom cabinets as well. I am thinking about asking if I can paint all these ugly thing white, but not sure if I want to put that much time and money into it. I did however decide to replace the knobs on all the old cabinetry and closet doors as they were just nasty. I haven't found any handles that fit for the bathroom stuff yet, but the closets have new knobs.

Other than those minor details, things are going great here. We are much happier than we were after we moved to "Big Mistake".

ETA: I totally forgot, we have an electric stove. I HATE electric stoves! They are so hard to cook on, and when you are used to gas it is so hard to switch over to electric.

Taking a Break

2008-03-09T14:09:00.001-07:00

Freaking hilarious.

This too...

By The Way, We Did Find An Apartment

2008-03-05T06:57:00.000-08:00

I don't often write two posts in one day, so don't miss the short one below this!

So, we found an apartment. It's not what I wanted, as in it's not a grand ol' duplex or apartment building with hardwood floors and old built in buffets. But, I learned that those types of places are either a) falling apart b) way too small or c) very much out of our price range. It does however feel nice and homey as it is a smaller apartment building from the 1970's and the apartment we lived in when we first got married was a smaller apartment building from the 1970's. The hallways and the doors and door knockers are very reminiscent of our old apartment days. The apartment itself is very large for an apartment. Here is the floor plan;

As you can see, the bedrooms are large, the living room is large and there are basically two dining rooms, one of which we will use for an office/library! There are two bathrooms and the second one even has a shower in it! Our rent is cheap too. This apartment had a lot going for it, it is clean, cheap, large, and updated. They even painted the living room, kitchen and bathrooms actual colors, and we are allowed to paint if we wish we just have to prime when we leave. I've already painted Owen's room, and I plan to paint just an accent wall in our room. The reason the rent is cheap for such a big place is that the apartment building sits right on a major freeway. We didn't like this, but our apartment is in the back of the building, so the freeway can only faintly be heard if the windows are open, and even then it's not that loud. Also, the apartment is not exactly in the area I wanted, but is only about a mile from it. It is in a good area, but not a great neighborhood because everything around it is industrial. However, the surrounding neighborhoods are very nice and there are several great things to do in all directions! It is situated right near a river, which I am told there are walking trails by. The apartment also has a mini exercise room with a three machines including a treadmill.

So, we are quite happy with it. We had no problems being approved for it despite our questionable credit at the moment, and I like the floor plan much better than where we are living now. We rented the apartment from the 1st, but don't move out of here until the 8th, so we have some time to move and get things organized.

In other news, perhaps it wasn't the best idea to go off my medication while we were in the middle of moving. Wow, I am so irritable. I think I am done taking it though, aside from being constantly dizzy, the sick to my stomach feeling has passed, and I haven't taken any in about 5 or 6 days now.

Get That Monkey Off Your Back

2008-03-05T06:48:00.000-08:00

I guess I need to check StuffOnMyCat.com more often... Yes, this is our cat. No, I don't know who "Mario" is. I think I sent them this picture? I know I sent one with him wearing a Harley Davidson hat. Off to do more searching...

Major Religious Survey Reveals Large Turnover Rates

2008-02-29T07:54:00.001-08:00

Check out the article from Time here.

Check out the survey here.

And if your a former JW like myself, you will be interested in this quote from the article; "An even more extreme example of what might be called "masked churn" is the relatively tiny Jehovah's Witnesses, with a turnover rate of about two-thirds. That means that two-thirds of the people who told Pew they were raised Jehovah's Witnesses no longer are — yet the group attracts roughly the same number of converts. Notes Lugo, "No wonder they have to keep on knocking on doors."

Also, on the survey check out the "comparisons" tab and compare the divorce rate, the education level, and the income level to other religions. The ratio of JW men to JW women is 40 to 60. And 63% of JW's do not have any children at home. Very, very fascinating.

A Black Squirrel

2008-02-25T22:16:00.000-08:00

The other day James noticed a pitch black squirrel running about in our neighborhood with all of his little grey friends. The city that I grew up in hosted quite a few albino squirrels, but I had never seen a black one. It looked odd, like a small skunk without the white stripe, and it stuck out much more than the grey ones did. I wonder what would make a squirrel all black like that? I took some photos to show you all. I tried using my zoom lens, but for some reason every time I clicked the shutter my camera would throw up an error. I could have gotten much better pictures with the zoom lens, but I guess I have to try to find time to learn about that camera I bought two years ago before I can do that.

Scrambling

2008-02-20T21:08:00.000-08:00

Looks like the bank finally got on the ball. They are likely going to accept the first offer that came in on our house. We signed the papers today. The people wanted to close March 1st, but we are going to try to push it to the 14th. I knew it would be fast once the offer got approved, but I didn't realize we wouldn't get a full 30 days. They kept saying we would get 30 days, but March 1st is like 10 days away! I really hope we close on the 14th.

I've been calling and emailing apartments all day long. So far I've got two lined up for Saturday, and a third likely one, and a duplex lined up for Monday. It's our desire to live in a sort of trendy area of the cities, where old brownstones dot the shop lined streets and mansions peek over the rooftops from the next street over. It's a historic neighborhood complete with several colleges in the area, parks, natural living stores, and just culture. We are looking at two brownstones on Saturday, maybe three. One used to be a hotel, the other is a really small garden level, just one bedroom and a den, but nice and cheap, and the possible third has a very unique floor plan. The duplex we are looking at on Monday is outside of the realm of our desired neighborhood, but still in the general area and in what I am pretty sure is a great location in it's own right. It is actually the one we are hoping for as it seems that it has two bedrooms and a den, and we could really use that den for all our litter box, scratching post, bird and fish. Not to mention our office stuff and books. Also, it's a duplex so there is a back yard and a washer and dryer in the basement, and only one neighbor to deal with and it's very reasonably priced and available right now. The other three are available March 1st, April 1st, and June 1st.

I'm not stressing out too much because we have the option of staying with either one of our parents for a short time if we can't find a place, or if we find a place that isn't available in March, or if our credit is so messed up by this point that we can't get approved to live in a place, in which case it would only take a month or two for the quick sale to show up on our credit (which would look better than just not paying your mortgage for months) and we would be able to rent then. So it's not like we'll be homeless or anything, but it's all a bit rushed for our liking.

By the way, if anyone wants a decent looking dining room table and chairs, a small entertainment center, or storage shelves (the kind that are made to go inside closets) let us know, because we're listing everything on craigslist very soon.

Obama Mama

2008-02-13T07:58:00.000-08:00

As a J-Dub we were supposed to remain neutral in the matter of politics. Of course James and I have never been neutral about anything in our lives, but we played the part and stayed away from voting at least. Now that we are "allowed" to vote, it is proving to be a bit of a challenge.

In the matter of politics, here are the things that I want for our country in the order of importance; 1) stop global warming 2) end the war in Iraq 3) socialized health care (including maternity leave, daycare costs, and vacation time that match European countries) 4) free collage for all 5) legalize gay marriage 6) no guns 7) boost the economy (stop foreclosures, keep companies in the US). I'm probably forgetting something, but those are the things that I really wish were different so that I could personally enjoy my life more, and so that I could be confident that my kid/s will enjoy theirs too.

I've found that a lot of people vote based on their feelings about abortion. I don't really know if I am pro-choice or pro-life. I know that I do not agree with partial birth abortions, or late term abortions. I also know that I don't care too much if another woman gets an abortion, I'm not gonna vote based on that. I mean, in a perfect world every pregnancy would be planned and wanted, but we don't live in that world and I don't think the answer to that problem is forcing women to give birth to their babies. I don't know how anyone really can vote based on abortion, because there are people who are already here who are dying in the war every day, and the entire human race is going to get wiped out from global warming if we don't act now, so why would I vote to save fetuses over all those other people who are already here? I care a whole lot more about my own son, whom I don't want to be drafted into a never ending war when he turns 18, or die of some effect of global warming. I have trouble understanding why anyone would feel differently, I mean don't we naturally want to protect our own children? Why should I care so much about someone else's fetus that I disregard my own son's enjoyment of life? And it seems like that is what you have to do if you vote based on abortion, because it seems like nobody is ever pro-life and wants to save the environment and end the war. Anyway, Obama did vote against a partial birth abortion bill, but it was worded so that it gave the fetus equal rights to that of anyone else, which is a horrible thing to do for so many reasons. Mainly because then no pregnant woman would have any rights over her own body, as the fetus has equal rights to her, which would mean that anything that is perceived as unsafe by the general population (even though it may not truly be unsafe) would become illegal. So homebirthing, VBAC'ing, or delivering a breech baby could become illegal based on the idea that your fetus has equal rights. Why do these bills always come with crazy attachments on them?

I am disregarding all republicans for the upcoming election because our country is screwed up enough from the last one. I wouldn't consider myself a democrat, but since we are forced into this two party system, democrats are the lesser of two evils when we are talking about the presidential election. I will likely vote for a third party for any other election, and since we live in Minnesota, third parties sometimes win. When voting for president though, we all need to vote one of the two parties or the republicans will just steel the election anyway like what happened last time. So then the question becomes, Obama or Hilary? And though I love the idea of having a female president, after listening to them speak, and reading what others have to say about them, I have come to the conclusion that Obama is the better choice. He is more radical than Hilary, he seems to really want major change. Hilary seems to want to get elected, and she seems much more likely to conform to Washington than Obama does. Therefore, I think I'm an Obama Mama, and I'm gonna vote for him. He seems like a mix between JFK and Martin Luther King. He seems like someone that I actually want to vote for, and don't just feel like I have to vote for in order to vote out the other guy.

Now that I know who I want to vote for, now I just have to figure out how and where to register to vote, and how to actually vote. James and I are going to start voting for the local elections too. The biggest problem I have with politics is finding out what the candidates stand for. I don't watch too many TV commercials and I don't ever know when the debates are on, so I have trouble figuring out what the candidates will do if they are elected. Especially the local candidates, it seems like the commercials are all about how bad the other guy is and I'm left thinking, "but what are YOU gonna do for me"? Those commercials make me not want to vote and lower myself to their mudslinging standards. But so far I haven't seen much of that in this upcoming election, and hopefully they wont start stooping to that level.

Spiritual Exploration

2008-02-03T15:09:00.000-08:00

James and I are entered into this program at our local library where we have to read five books before March 1st. If we read five books, we get a small prize and then we get entered into a contest to win a larger prize. We already got a cowboy dinner and a goody bag just for signing up. James has read four books already. I just completed my first book today. I'm not sure if I'll make it, but I guess I wont give up just yet.

Before I finished my first book I had to finish reading a book I was almost done with that I started more than a year ago called Crisis of Conscious by Ray Franz. That book was interesting in that it gave an inside look into the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society and it's leaders. And why this was interesting to me is that I stopped being a Jehovah's Witness in August of 2006, and the Watchtower Society is the Jehovah's Witness headquarters, and the Governing Body are the old guys who sit around and make up the rules. Anyway, though this book was fascinating to a former J-Dub like myself, it was also extremely dry and boring. It was filled with multiple examples of proof as to why what he was saying was correct, which of course is necessary in that type of book, but was totally boring to any reader who already knows it ain't true. It wasn't completely a waste of time, I'm glad I read it, and I wanted to read it, it just wasn't a book that I couldn't put down. I could put it down, and I did so frequently that I had to reread some of the paragraphs every time I picked it up again in order to reorient myself to the book.

After I finished Crisis of Consious, I started reading inner magic - a guide to witchcraft by Ann-Marie Gallagher. Not because I wanted to be a witch, or practice witchcraft, but just because I think I'm finally into a stage of exploration where I want to know more about other religions and what they believe. The paths to spirituality that I am the most interested in are Paganism, Buddhism, and any New Age type stuff. So when I saw the book about witchcraft sitting on the shelf of my local library on the day we signed up for this reading program, I figured I would check it out and see what it's all about.

I found out that the "magic" that witches practice is not really magic at all, it is simply different types of meditation exercises. Some of the meditations could be construed as magic if you actually believe in god/desses, but if you think that they are simply a symbol of certain qualities as some witches do, then you likely believe that your meditations are simply diving into your own subconscious, and you are not actually making contact with any deity. Most of the meditations are pretty intense and since I have little experience with meditating I didn't even try them. Some of them are very complex, like you have to picture yourself in a certain setting doing a certain thing and then you see someone or open something and you have to take note of what or who you see and what they say to you. As I was reading these descriptions I imagined the scene and I don't think it would be hard to "imagine" the part that is supposed to be magic while your in a state of meditation. I saw no evidence to believe that witches are actually making any contact with anyone. This was kind of a disappointing realization for me, as I would like to find some kind of something beyond our little lives. Oh well.

When I realized that witches don't really practice "magic" as we all think of it, then I realized that witches throughout history have been persecuted for no reason whatsoever by christians. All the christians had to do was ask what they believe and they would have found out that they really aren't communing with Satan, in fact, they don't even believe in the existence of Satan or demons, therefore they don't worship them or commune with them. It surprised me that witches don't even believe in the devil because as a JW I thought that witches or pagans were so bad and that they were demonized and wicked people who wanted to do evil. But now I see that isn't true at all. I'm sure a strict christian would say that they really are communing with the devil, they just don't know it, because of course the devil exists and if you aren't worshiping our god or our Jesus then you obviously are worshiping the devil. That of course is what I would have thought, but after reading this book I saw no evidence to believe that witches do anything that an evil devil would be interested in. They try to do good and their basic motto is "An it harm none, do thy will", which basically means don't harm anyone. And anyone doesn't just mean people, it means anything alive, so animals and plants and trees too.

I don't think I would ever like to become a witch or a Wiccan (witches are usually Wiccan's, but not all Wiccan's are witches). This book focused on the Wiccan religion and specifically the spiritual path of witchcraft. I enjoyed the whole concept of the religion up to a certain point. I like all the pagan holidays. There are eight, and some correspond with certain "christian" holidays, like Samhain (pron: Sah-wayne) which corresponds to Halloween, and Yule which is on the 21st of December which corresponds with Christmas, and Eostre (pron: eestah) which corresponds with Easter. Each of the holidays are pretty evenly spread out over the year and nature is a large part of them. The seasons are brought into the celebrations and most often they are celebrated outside. Some of the holidays that take place in darker times of year are for reflection and saving your energy for the more energetic times of year, and some holidays in the lighter times of year are for focusing your energy in a more productive and creative way, which I thought made lots of sense. I also found the cycles of the moon and sun interesting, and the stories of the Gods and Goddesses are fascinating. I also liked that you sort of make up your own path within the framework of witchcraft or the Wiccan religion. You don't even have to believe in literal God/desses, as they can be symbols of qualities to you, or they can be actual deities, it's not a crucial point in their religion. So basically it seems like you could be an atheistic pagan.

What I didn't think was so cool was all the crazy rituals, like to become a witch you have to enter a circle naked and you have to have these cords tied around you, and you have to do all kinds of other little pointless rituals that are supposedly important to witchcraft, though I'm not really sure why. I felt these things were just silly, or weird, and though I don't like to ridicule other's beliefs, it certainly was not the belief for me. I truly like the idea of paganism, of celebrating nature and feeling a part it's cycles. It is definitely something I want to bring into my life and teach to Owen. It's something I feel like most people have lost touch with and it's damaging our society. It's just that the Wiccan version of this wasn't the version for me. I wonder if there is a version of paganism that is closer to the new age type stuff, with more emphasis on the pagan holidays, on meditations, on living close with nature, and not so much on the running around naked and simulating sex with a dagger and some witch tool, cause that's just not me :-)

I plan to continue my explorations into spirituality. I've already reserved a book about Buddhism from the library and I plan to look further into paganism, aside from the witchcraft aspect of it.

Moving Out of the Country

2008-01-30T16:47:00.000-08:00

Last night James and I watched Sicko, the Michael Moore movie about health care in America. It was one of the best Michael Moore films I've seen. It could really appeal to all people, no matter what race, religion, or political party they associate themselves with.

The film made me consider something that I had never before even given a second thought to, and that was, moving out of this country. Health care here in Minnesota is actually pretty good, but holy crap, when you compare the health care that we have here in America to other countries, it isn't even comparable. In European countries they only work 35 hours a week, get 5 weeks of vacation and unlimited sick days, full and part time employees get FREE health insurance, and when you have a baby you get 6 MONTHS off work, payed, and you can take 6 months more leave, that I think was either payed or partially payed, for a grand total of ONE YEAR!!! Our poor US mothers only get 6 mere weeks. In France every new mother gets a free nanny that will come to her house, help with the kids, and the do her laundry. These people had no debt, got payed more, and had way more vacation time and time off of work. And if they did get sick they just mosey on into a doctors office, get what they need, and that's that. No bills. No co-pays. Nothing. Even in Canada, they have free health care. In the entire western world there is free health care, and here in the US we have comparatively worse health care that we have to pay a lot of money for. For example, our infant mortality rate is the second worst in the entire modern world.

It was a much bigger issue than health care, I saw a different way of life on that movie. James and I could live in Europe somewhere and both just have a part time job, be able to afford a great place to live, attend college for free, put Owen in day care for free or for like $1.00 an hour, and have plenty of vacation time to kick back and relax and travel the world. But here, in the wonderful USA, we work hard, and we go into debt, and we acquire student loans if we get to go to college, and we get a handful of vacation time every year but never enough money to go anywhere on vacation.

I don't think I would ever be able to move out of the country, or even out of the state, unless I could convince everyone I know to go too, but it was the first time I really ever considered it. It's a pretty depressing feeling, knowing that other countries have it way better than you and that a change in this country probably wont happen for years, if at all.

Perhaps we should move to Canada. It's really close, we could drive back and visit often, on one of our many weeks of vacation.

Back Problems

2008-01-22T13:11:00.000-08:00

My back went out so bad that I couldn't stand up straight for over a week. Last night, on top of of my back hurting, I also started to get a cold. My nose started running and my throat started hurting. I got so tired and feverish that I just laid down on the couch and slept. I drank some Airborne and went to bed at about 8:30. Around 1:00 am I woke up with a sore throat and back pain. I got up, took 2 advils and some throat spray, and tried going back to sleep. A few times in the night I woke up with horrendous pain in my back. It was like the muscles were involuntarily tightening and I had to concentrate to get them to release. I woke up for the day at 8:00 am and my back was feeling much much better. My throat was barely soar anymore. The feverishness and runny nose was gone as well. I was actually able to do some housework today and walk around in an upright position! I guess I just needed 12 hours of sleep or something, I don't know. But I thought I would be looking forward to another day of miserableness with my back, plus a cold, but I seem to have gotten over both.

This Week So Far

2008-01-15T12:44:00.000-08:00

• Our house is currently being marketed for the quick/short sale. We got an offer, and we've been having several showings. Now the bank has to approve the offer, which will take a few weeks. The people want to close on March 1st or sooner. I am getting a little nervous about where we will move to. I hope we can find an affordable place that wont hold our current bad credit against us.

• My back went out yesterday. The day before it was hurting, and when I bent over to zip up Owen's coat I felt it go out. In the morning I couldn't even barely move. It took about ten minutes just to get out of bed and into a standing position. I had to have Owen bring me the broom and I unscrewed the stick and used it to get up and down. I had to cancel my therapists appointment, because two hours in the car would not have been good for me and besides I could barely even walk. I called my Mom and she came over and took care of Owen and brought me to the chiropractor. I was so glad because I couldn't even change a diaper or get him into his car seat. Today is better, but still pretty bad. We are sitting around today watching videos because I can't move. We have two showings today. One was this morning and Owen and I went to Caribou. Owen's speech therapist put him into his car seat before she left, and then he climbed in and out on his own the rest of the time so all I had to do was reach in and buckle him. He is getting the seats really dirty with his shoes, but what else can I do? We have another showing this evening so we are just going to meet James at Perkins since I can't cook with this back problem and kids eat free on Tuesdays.

• We have watched the worst string of movies ever. First was "Pan's Labyrinth" followed with "Little Children" and finally "Sweeney Todd". And I don't mean they were bad stories really, they were just gruesome and disgusting and made you feel icky afterward. In the case of Sweeney Todd and Pan's Labyrinth, they just showed the grossest things. When other movies would take the camera off of what was happening and show something else, these movies showed what was happening in disgusting detail. Little Children was just an unsettling story that also had some gruesome moments, but not as bad as the other two. Sweeney Todd was just a bad, bad movie. Not bad as in poorly made, but bad as in morally corrupt. I would not have watched it had I known what the plot was. I think I want to see Enchanted next. I just want a good fun movie, nothing I have to walk away and feel disturbed about.

• I picked out a dresser at Ikea that I want to buy for Owen. I have a armoire picked out for us, and an additional dresser if needed. I want to move first though, because I want to see what our new place will need and what will fit. The dresser for Owen is very large, but I like how masculine it looks and that I wont have to buy him another ever. I wanted it in red, but that size doesn't come in red, which is a bummer. His room is going to be denim colored walls with red curtains, so a red dresser would look pretty cool. I'm thinking I'll go with the black/brown if red doesn't become available, but I don't know if that's gonna coordinate well. I could just go with black brown shelving and everything too for him I guess. Now he has white, so that is quite a difference. The dresser comes in white too, but it is a shiny finish white, and I like the look of the wood work showing through in the other finishes. For us it's easier. We have a Malm bed, so we'll go with one of the Malm dresser options. Anyway, there are not enough dressers in this house and something needs to be done about it.

Birth Trauma and all that Jazz

2008-01-13T18:49:00.000-08:00

Here is a pretty good article about birth trauma that I stumbled across today. It hits on all the points we've been talking about in my last post.

Response to Rebekah's Comment from the Post: "Last Years Resolutions and This Years Resolutions"

2008-01-03T18:42:00.001-08:00

Rebekah wrote:

What happened during Owen's birth was horrific. You also might be feeling guilt. But don't. That sounds simple, huh. Let's pretend. Pretend that while you were in labor you went to the hospital. Everything went horribly wrong, and Owen died. If that were the case, right now you would be saying "If he had lived, I wouldn't care that I had to go to the hospital and be mistreated. Just so long as I had my son."

You are so lucky to have Owen. Yes, they were wrong. Yes, your labor and Owen's delivery was not how you invisioned. You set very high standards and were significantly let down. It's good to have high standards. But most people don't, and then they can't relate.

I feel so much worse when I let myself be victimized. See, the hospital people did victimize you. But now you need to stop victimizing yourself. Ever time you think about how wrong they were, or about all the things they did and didn't do, it would be healthy for you to say "They were very wrong. It wasn't how I wanted it. But I have my child."

Again, it seems simple. I'm sure it's not It's not a matter of sit down and shut up. It's more that you can't let it eat you alive. I think women should be able to have the labor and delivery they want. They shouldn't be stifled. But people are imperfect, or just plain don't care. And even when we tell them what we want, all they were concerned with was getting a child delivered. It was like you were just another pregnant woman. And you weren't. You were you. And you wanted things to be perfect. And now you are blessed with Owen.

If you can make peace with this, you will feel free. Pursuing it could take years. Years of being enslaved to it.

My response:

Note: I'm not exactly responding to Rebekah specifically, but she hit on many points that I have heard from others, so I will use her comment to answer these points. It isn't my intent to argue with Rebekah, or anyone else who thinks these same things, I simply want to provide more of an explanation so that maybe I can clear up some misconceptions.

What you said here reflects what a lot of people think, so I will respond to it here on the main page.

Thank you for acknowledging that what happened was horrific, because it was. And thank you for taking the time to write this to try to help me. I do have some things to say though in response;

First, just because an additional horrible thing didn't happen (Owen dying), doesn't mean I'm not upset about the horrible things that did happen (mistreatment during labor, birth, and postpartum). Let me put it this way, if your house burned down, would you want people telling you, "be grateful that your whole family didn't get killed in the fire". If you were robbed at gunpoint, would you want people saying, "you could have died you know, so you really should just be thankful that you didn't." If you get in a car accident and break your leg, do you want people to come visit you in the hospital and say, "you could have lost your leg, so you should just focus on that and be happy." Yes, things can always be worse, but that doesn't take away the pain of what did happen. Yes, I'm extremely grateful that Owen is alive. However, if Owen had died during his birth, I would then have two issues to deal with, an infant loss and a birth trauma. Babies do die at birth sometimes, that doesn't mean that the birth was horrible or traumatic, it just means that the baby didn't make it. My point is that these are two very separate issues, birth trauma and infant loss, and they can both have profound effects on the parents. Also, I never expected Owen to die. Like most pregnant women, I expected to leave the hospital with a healthy baby. I also expected to be treated like a human being with rights and feelings during the entire birth experience. I expected Owen to be treated like a human being as well, and handled as such.

Second, I've heard two sides of this, "I had really high standards" thing, and both sides annoy me. Some people say that I "planned too much" or had "too many expectations" and "you have to just go with what happens" and "you can't expect everything to go your way". These people usually punctuate their expressions with, "well, you should have just gotten the epidural". Others imply that I didn't plan enough. If I tell them what happened I immediately hear things like, "well, did you take hypnobabies/birthing from within/bradley/lamaze/or -insert latest trendy class here- childbirth classes?" "Did you have a birth plan and print out a copy for everyone in vicinity of you in the hospital?" "Did you put your husband through rigorous training to protect you from the hospital staff?" How come in some circles I planned too much, and in others I dropped the ball and, therefore, how I was treated was all my fault? You know what I planned for that I didn't get? Do you know what my "high standards" were? I wanted to be treated like a human being and not an animal. I don't even think animals should be treated that way actually. And I wanted my baby to be treated like a sentient person with feelings. I didn't want to be abused, or manipulated, or chastised, or coerced, or yelled at, or scolded, or demeaned. I expected people to stop what they were doing if I screamed "no, stop". Were those standards too high? Do most women truly not expect to be treated with any respect or decency while giving birth? Or do they just not complain about it afterward and allow the trauma of it to manifest itself into Postpartum Depression?

I agree with you that the hospital did victimize me, that is obvious. However, I don't agree that I am now victimizing myself by thinking about it or trying to do something about it. I don't want other women to be hurt the way that I was hurt. I don't want my midwife to do this to someone again. I don't want those nurses to treat people the way they treated me. It's like being raped and not pressing charges against the rapist. Would you tell me I was victimizing myself in that case as well? No, people would say how great it is that I'm standing up to this person and protecting other women. And telling myself "but I have my child" is irrelevant to the issue. I never expected to not have my child, and having him, or having James, or having my cats, or friends and family in my life don't take away what happened. Good things can't blot out bad things, I can't erase my bad birth experience with my perfect child.

You said, "It's more that you can't let it eat you alive. I think women should be able to have the labor and delivery they want. They shouldn't be stifled. But people are imperfect, or just plain don't care. And even when we tell them what we want, all they were concerned with was getting a child delivered. It was like you were just another pregnant woman. And you weren't. You were you. And you wanted things to be perfect. And now you are blessed with Owen." I don't think the issue is that I wanted to be treated special, or that I wanted things to be perfect, I think the issue is that I wanted to be treated like a person. A person with feelings and the right to have control over her own body. Women should be able to have the labor and birth that they want, but that isn't always the issue. For example a woman may want a vaginal birth, but end up with a c-section. She may be traumatized by this and feel she had no choice and a c-section wasn't really warranted, or she may feel that she made the decision based on the advice of her care providers and that everything was done to help her and her baby during this unfortunate circumstance. My point is that you don't have to get the birth you wanted to walk away feeling good about what happened. You just have to be treated with compassion and respect. Your care providers need to care about you as a person and not feel you are simply a vessel that they need to deliver a child out of as quickly as possible, at any cost. And yes, I am blessed with Owen, but I would have Owen right now whether I went to the hospital or not. The hospital didn't deliver Owen to me and protect him from certain death, I birthed him, and I would have done that even better without any interference from them.

And finally, I am trying to make peace with it. I've been in therapy for forever now, and on medication, and working for The Birth Survey project, and trying to do everything I know how to do to move on from it, but it isn't easy. It's just a really slow process. Trauma doesn't go away on it's own and so it has to be dealt with or it will likely pop up as soon as I give birth again, or go to the hospital for whatever reason. I'm trying to deal with it, and at the same time not dwell on it, and at the same time try to figure out what the next move I make legally or against the midwife should be, if I make any move at all. It isn't really a matter of pursing it will enslave me to it, at this point it seems like pursuing it might free me from it.

Last Years Resolutions and This Years Resolutions

2008-01-02T12:18:00.000-08:00

Here is my list of resolutions that I made last year with my comments about whether or not I achieved them or not;

1. Get Healthy

have a physical (but not a pap)

I didn't do this, I'm still afraid of doctors.

meditate more

Nope, didn't do this either, I still rarely meditate.

find something more filling than food

Food is still the most filling thing known to me.

exercise

I was force to exercise when my back went out and I had to go to physical therapy. Now I still do it, but not as often as I am supposed to. I did start yoga, and I love it, but I don't do it enough.

eat more fiber, vegetables, fruit, and whole grains

I now make fiber muffins with oat bran, wheat bran and ground flax seed. The whole family eats one each morning. We do eat more vegetables, but still not enough.

gently (no CIO) night wean Owen (so that I can get a full nights sleep again)

Nope, didn't do this. The kid still nurses at night! I did make great strides in the right direction and he usually doesn't wake to nurse or to climb into bed with us until after 5:00 a.m., but there is room for improvement here.

2. Go Greener

shop second hand as much as possible

Yep, we did this. We bought mostly second hand this year. I spent a great deal of time at thrift stores and it really payed off.

make food and beverages homemade as much as possible

We still have a bad habit of going out to eat, so I'd say we didn't quite achieve this goal.

start making shampoo, soap, laundry detergent, cleaning products, beauty products, etc. homemade

Shampoo, check. Soap, not yet. Laundry detergent, not yet. Cleaning products, nope. Beauty products, nope.

compost

Not yet, but we do have plans for kitchen set up that we will implement once we move that includes an under the cupboard composter complete with worms and all!

try to acquire a car that can be modified to run on vegetable oil

We didn't have the finances to make this happen, but it is still something we hope to do one day.

cloth diaper, or potty train Owen

Ugh, this is what I feel the most guilty about. He is physically ready to potty train and has been for over a year I think, but emotionally not able to handle the concept yet. I wish I could cloth diaper but the start up is a couple hundred dollars and I don't have that money.

recycle more

I think we accomplished this. We have the most recycling on our entire block every other week when they collect it. We have more recycling then garbage. We also try to find uses for things so we don't have to throw so many things away.

reduce more

Yes, we accomplished this too. No more plastic water jugs because we use a water filter jug. Way less paper towels, no paper plates, etc.

stop using plastic bags, or limit their use

Umm, we sort of did this, but there is room for improvement. We do bring our own bags to stores now, so that has helped a lot.

use wheat kitty litter, or keep using recycled newspaper kitty litter

We don't do this one. We regressed on this point, see my post about the cats for details.

buy a solar charger for laptops, and other electronics

Nope, lack of funds prohibited this one.

buy recycled products

We do this when available.

3. Figure Out What I Want to do When I Grow Up

and then go to school, or take classes, or just do it

I still haven't the slightest idea.

4. Finish Projects

Owen’s baby book

Nope.

organize, print, and frame photos

No again, though some progress was made.

ensure that old VHS video’s get transferred to DVD

This has been handed over to James to accomplish this year.

edit and burn onto DVD all of Owen’s videos

We got the first three months done, and then stalled again.

draw or paint a picture of Owen

Yep, I did this when I painted his kitchen painting. I'd like to do another one now in a more realistic style.

learn to knit well, and then knit Owen a sweater and some soakers and longies if we go cloth

I did learn to knit better, but not well. I knit Owen some bean bags for Christmas. I got a book from my Mom called "Stitchin' Bitch" that teaches you how to knit, so maybe I will be better by next year. And we aren't going to go cloth so forget the whole longies and soakers thing.

learn how to quilt and make one for Owen and one for us, the one for us can made with old shirts or material
purchased from thrift stores

Wow, cool idea, but I never did it. My aunt made Owen a quilt for his bed and I realized it was much harder than I thought and changed my mind on the whole quilting idea.

5. Resolve the Birth Trauma

No, I still have birth trauma galore.

write a letter to the midwife, or

Nope, I didn't do this yet.

press charges against the midwife and hospital, or

I'm in the process of seeing if anything can be done.

meet with the midwife in person

I don't think this will be allowed.

and meet with the doula

I'm not ready quite yet, but this may be the year.

work on ideas to help other women not to be traumatized while giving birth

I totally accomplished this when I worked on The Birth Survey this year.

6. Keep My House Cleaner

dishes

Hmm, I think I did better then the year before, but there is room for improvement.

laundry

I'm doing okay on laundry I think.

and everything else

Yeah, lets move on, shall we...

7. Keep Getting Rid of Things We Don’t Use or Need

sell things on ebay

We sold a record number of things this year on ebay.

sell things on craigslist

We sold a record number of things this year on craigslist as well.

donate

Yep, we brought loads and loads to thrift stores all year long.

8. Figure Out What to Do About the House

move or refinance

We chose move.

figure out where to move to

We chose a spot, but don't have a place yet.

finish projects to get house ready for the market

Yep, we did this two months after the market took a nose dive. Just a little too later for it to make any difference.

get the house on the market ASAP

It took until September.

9. Spend Less Time Online

Ha.

10. Finish Reading All the Books That I Have Started

Um, I think I just gave up on most of them.

11. Continue to Socialize Owen With His Peers

Yeah, he could use a little more socializing.

12. Maintain a Better Routine for Owen

nap-time

We don't do naps anymore.

bedtime

We have a good routine going for bedtime.

meal and snack time

We all eat dinner together, and he and I eat lunch and breakfast together, but snacks are sporadic.

13. Discipline More Gently, Learn to Stay Calmer

read up on gentle discipline

Nope, didn't do this.

calm down

Didn't do this either.

be less irritable

Ha, moving on...

don’t nag or yell or act frustrated

I do better at this with Owen.

get Owen all of his naps every single day

We just gave them up, which relieved a lot of frustration for us both around nap and bedtime.

get a babysitter more often

We hope to do this once we move.

14. Establish Family Traditions

mealtimes

We do eat together.

bedtimes

Yep, we talk about the day, watch view masters, etc.

special days

Oh yeah, we really established some serious holiday traditions this year.

New Years Resolution for This Year:

Lose Weight